I'm Back!

I've been gone for MONTHS now. --->> Been doing some soul searching (0_o)

The reason why I started writing FICS

I was CURIOUS. That's it. That was all there is to it. My old friends (whom I have a love-hate relationship with right now) were going on about reading FANFICS. I was like: what's that? is it some kind of a genre that I've never heard about? And boy was I wrong. It was a whole dfferent world, almost like an alternate universe. Fanfics itself has its own genres. So like any other new things I encounter, I decided to investigate it to find out more. I read a few fics, some were really good and some were an expression of people's fantsies and desires; and to be honest some really creeped me out. 

In an attempt to understand this new world, I decided to venture further and dabble into it. I actually had a previous account newbie2010 which is now long gone and deleted. I wrote my first fic there with a friend. It wasn't sucessful and it ended prematurely I don't even remember its title OTL). After that, I thought that it could be because I still didn't quite understand this world yet. So I decided to read more fics. 

This was how we met.

 

Lo and behold!

That was when I discovered . It was shocking. Why would people pair up the idols that way - I didn't understand. But as I read on further, some posibilities came to mind: guilty pleasures, rather than admitting to the strkingly close to impossible chance of your actual real self being in a relationship with the idol, you rather fantasize about them being in an relationship with each other. I found this idea to be depressingly amusing. So what did I do with it?

I jumped into the bandwagon! Ironic? Oh no... you have to read on.

I wrote a FIC: Gay Again!  (It's deleted along with my previous account.) ---> anybody want to have a read?! >.<

It was a Fic that has a feel to it but wasn't actually one. The main couple was still a hetero one. But the general theme was there and oh boy it was succesful. It was odd because even I felt that the premise of the plot was cliche and I didn't really put in a lot of effort into it in terms of the literary aspects of it. Due to the fic's nature - borderlining between being a straight/ fic - it was readable to both audiences. Which I found intriguing. That's when I decided to carry on my expedition, further into the world of FFs.

This was when we got to know each other better.

 

And Created pseudonym2011

My debut fic as pseudonym 2011 was Confessions (they can't find out about us) ^{[M] [Complete]}. It was without a doubt, a fic. Complete with it's own set of 'mature-themed' chapters. The funny thing was, as I was writing it, I couldn't really fully comprehend the fact that I was writing . Hell I was deep in the FF world. This fic was the fic that made me hooked into writing, I enjoyed it. And so did some of the readers, which made me feel so much gratification.... which eventually contributed to my fallout with AFF *insert ominous background music*. But I'll get back to that later.

It was during this time when I began to open up to the social side of AFF and started to interact with other users. ---> I began commenting and writing on walls and collaborating with other users. A few of my collaborators:

SHINsUpaKB2isst - bestowed some of her ty talent upon the chapters of Confessions (Under The Moonlit Sky) ^{[M] [Complete]}

ochibi - a fellow Primadonna who writes cute fics. I merely edited one of them.

XxBlowingxBubblesxX - a super bubbly person. co-authored with her for a while but haven't heard from her for 3 years. I hope she's doing fine.

kaitaem & Midnightroses - graphic artists who graciously contributed their talent

This was when we fell in love.

 

The Obssession

Confessions (Under The Moonlit Sky) ^{[M] [Complete]}

This was a fic that I written solely for my own satisfaction. The pairing wasn't a common pairing - there were my bias from two different groups. I just put them together because I liked the idea of writing two of my biases as the main characters. But it still got some attention from readers. This was when it became worse. My obssession with trying to get that sense of gratification. I kept logging in to check whether there were any new subscribers or comments and I got really excited when I did. But the feeling of excitement was fleeting. I became so desperate to appeal to the readers that I started to change the way I wrote. My ideas had depth but readers didn't like waiting for the story to unfold. So I cut them short. I disregarded things such as character development and plot depth. My sidefics (fics that I write while waiting for an inspiration for the main one) were skimpy and superficial. The ones that suffered the most were Love Battles& Hateful Love. After completing Confessions, everything else that I was working on was left to be shrivelled up in abandonment. I felt like my stories and ideas were forced to fit into a mould. Which went against my very nature. My inspirations became constricted and it felt like I had to force myself to get inspired. Writing was supposed to be my retreat from the reality that I live in but having to keep up with updates and expectations, it became too real.

This were when we had our conflicts.                   

 

Then came the boldest story I've ever written: Our Fated Encounter ^{[M] [Complete]}

It was bold to me because it had themes such as and murder. It was unexpectedly well-received and surpassed my debut fic in many aspects. It was hope. Hope that I'm finally getting to enjoy writting again. But that hope was short-lived. Once it gathered, more than I could imagine (cos honestly I'm not a very good writer), I succumbed to the need of wanting to satisfy the readers; to a point that my own satisfaction was compromised.

That's when writing became nothing but a tiring chore. I gradually became more detached from AFF. AFF stopped being the first thing that pops up when I typed 'a' in my browser. And it was just a downwards spiral from there. For over a year, I stayed away from starting new stories.

This was how we had our FALLOUT.

 

Picking up the pieces

Now, I'm back. A lot has changed since then. There's the GOLD system, layout thingy (which I still don't understand), new text editor...etc. 

I kinda miss how it was before, but everything has to go through changes in order to experince growth. So I'll accept them. But the thing that I miss the most was the little updates from NICHIREN (founder of AFF, if you don't know already) that we used to get at the top of the AFF homepage; about things that he had planned for the site, any improvement he had made to the site or anything that happened relating to the site. Anyone remembers the DDOS attack on AFF?!

I want to enjoy writing again and writing in the way that I want to; telling my stories in my own voice. I mean, it's hard to make others happy when you're not happy yourself. It took me a while to get back on AFF cause I was so afraid that I fall back into the spiral. But if you don't do something because you fear that something bad might happen, then nothing good will happen either. 

Right now, I don't have any main fics. I'm going to read from others and revitalise myself before starting a new one that will reflect my resolve to write again. I have a feeling that it would be a fantasy fic... something that involves magic... hmm we'll see.

And this is hopefully how we become friends again.

 

Until then ~