...Because I'm much too sad and I want to vent...

Why am I the one to have her heart broken? 
Why am I always the one to be blamed for others problems?
Why can’t I ever have the chance to blame others for the pain my heart feels everyday?
Why do others have the luxury of making me feel selfish for feeling the way I do? 
You called me words that cut me deep. Of course you didn’t notice how painful that was. You never do.
You don’t remember what I told you. It was important. If you had then we wouldn’t have these arguments that we do. If you would just remember my reason for being like this, you would know that this is hard. It’s difficult to cope with something like this.
Why did it have to be you? Why did it have to pick you? 
It worked for a while but then things got serious. I didn’t expect for this love to form. Of course my heart knows no boundaries.
Now it’s in pain everyday. Now I cry more than I used to for reasons unlike before. Now I know that if you remembered, if you knew the real reason why this is hard for me, what we have- what I charish most in my entire life- will be gone.
You won’t except me. No matter how much our friendship means to you you won’t look past this. 
And yet, after you have watched my heart break into its pieces with me. I will still pick them back up, one by one, with cuts growing on my finger tips. I will struggle to piece it back together and put it in your hands once again.
This reality is like no other. It’s a nightmare. But reality is supposed to be better than fantasy. No matter how much joy and pleasure fantasy brings, it’s still supposed to be inferior to the awful reality we live in. My reality is twisted and full of heartbreak and confusion. I have to face this reality no matter how much I pray for that fantasy that everything is okay, that these feelings don’t exist, that I’m not blamed, that I don’t cry, that I don’t know what it’s like to feel alone.
Our bond, can it handle something like this? I know I will try move on, to get better. But I know you, I know your mind, your morals and values. They’re twisted and cruel. So will you accept me? Probably not. You will slowly back away from what we have to save what you really want. God knows I don’t want to make you choose. If I resort to such selfishness then that’s when I deserve to lose you.
I will keep lying. I will keep telling you things are find and cry once you turn your back. I love you. More than you could ever know. And I wish I hadnt. I wish it hadn’t chosen you. To save what little we have left, I will stay silent and fake happiness. 
I hope you don’t see what I’m hiding. If you do. Things will change. I can’t handle life without you. You’re my best friend. My favorite person in existence. I want to live with you. I have to lie to you. Our relationship may be a mess of one-sided horror but our bond is true. And to keep that I must lie to you.

Chan's Girl