Insecurities kill me.

After healing from a suffocating pain, I learned to open my heart again.

Once more, I fell in love.

Though at the first, I thought it was just a feeling passing by. That I was sure it will be gone just soon. I thought I will just forget about him as soon as my curiosity gone. I thought it was all just curiosity—the happy and excited feeling when you don’t know about something and try to know about it.

I thought I was just wanting to find out if he also liked me; then this curiosity will be gone—and I wouldn’t even look at him anymore.

But, how wrong was I?

It just came out one hundred eighty degrees.

I don’t know. I feel that feeling, that happy feeling whenever I see him

Whenever I see his smile, whatever he does, it was just… beautiful.

I don’t really know how to put it in words, but he keeps me awake every night.

He keeps me awake crying—of happiness. Yes, I am happy.

As he just showed me how much he loves me back, how much he treasures me, how much he wants me by his side—I’m so happy. It feels like a dream come true to me. It feels like all the things I’ve been craving actually come to me.

Whenever he holds my hand, I am hundred percent sure there is fireworks inside me. I always have this urge to hold his hand. Every time I look at him I just have the urge to touch him.

His hand, his arm, his shoulder, his fingers, anything—I don’t care as long as it’s him.

I also feel that spark of happiness, as he brings my hand into his. Holding my hand so tight, as if he doesn’t want me to go away—as if he wants me to stay by his side. I don’t know, but I always feel happy whenever he does so.

But my insecurities always come along.

As I fell deeper, I get scared more.

How if you leave me? How if you get tired of me?

I know I am not the most perfect girl in this world. I know there will be someone better than me. I know right there will be someone much prettier, fun, and anything else.

Would you still, choose me?

I am sorry.

I am full of jealousy, aren’t I?

I know you don’t like it whenever I’m getting jealous. I know you want me to trust you.

I do trust you. I do trust you whenever you said you only love me.

I’m sorry, I am just scared…

I am just scared. I am scared if you find out someone is much better than me…

I am scared if you choose someone else over me.

I’m sorry for being so scared. I’m sorry for my insecurities. But I can’t help to feel like that. I am so sorry.

Though I do learn to be more open, to not be so selfish, thanks to you.

But the scared feeling is still there. I just can’t erase it. I know it , I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I am scared of losing you. I’m sorry that I am scared if you choose someone over me.

I am sorry that since I feel complete with you, I am scared of being incomplete.

I am scared, without you. I am sorry.

lol what am i doing