So I figured it was a day before I receive my promotional examination results, I should probably kind of re-cap what 2015 have been like. It's something I wanted to do for a long time throughout this entire year. Since the year is about to end, at least the academic year, here it goes then. Oh boy, it was an interesting ride.

2015 is hell of a rollercoaster ride. There were so many ups and downs, more down than ups at least for now. January was rather uneventful. Well strictly speaking it was mundane. Being stuck in an office (kinda) job from 8am to 5.30pm was a bore. But I was actually happy. I enjoyed myself. The work, although mundane, it was still interesting to me. I got to meet a new friend, (for real after working there for almost 1.5 months) It was generally nice, the money was a bonus (now that I can kind of buy whatever I want). It kept me busy for my entire O's break and kept me off the thoughts and fears for the upcoming O'level results.

Well, the results were rather unexpected. I didn't expect to get a lower point than I expected and my subjects were all over the place. The subjects I was good at (Chem. HCL) got the lowest scores, B3, and the subjects I normally fail and fail and fail again, (Amath, Physics, Biotech) got me a distinction, A2, but a distinction nonetheless. I did not know what to feel, honestly. So I settled to crying in my friend's (or rather multiple) arms. The bummer was that almost all of my friends scored better than me, so yeah self esteem hit a new low. Sometimes, random thoughts of not belonging with my friends and not being good enough flash back and haunt me again and again, but generally it was all good. I thought I got control of my life. It's a start to a new life, and I was excited.

Nevermind, scratch that. I was so wrong. Starting from the day I stepped into JC, I hated everything. I hated my Orientation Group. I hated that the people here were nothing like the ones I love and cherished as friends. They were loud, a different kind of loud. They were annoying, extremely annoying. They were dramatic, useless drama everywhere. Prancing ballerinas, laughable jocks and best part, they were muggers, closet muggers, in your face muggers, muggers everywhere. Annoying af.

For the five? six? months I was in there, I was miserable. I can't wait to get home or meet my SST friends after school. I hated the curriculum, and everything was way harder. I felt stupid to be here. I questioned myself why am I here? Why didn't I choose a school with more of my kind of friends? Why am I so inadequete compared to the people here?

It was hard, it was torturous. It was nothing but a nightmare. I stayed quiet most of the time, I was friendless. The only thing kept me sane was the prospect of meeting my friends outside school, to rant about life. Or to just go home and sleep. My grades was a slippery slope. I could not pass anything to save my life. It was dark. I questioned myself, 'Am I actually depressed now?' Come to think of it, I was, to a degree. Definitely not enough to cut or harm myself because I always thought it was stupid, but I did take a lot of Panadol to dull the constant headaches I have. Not sure if it is actually healthy or okay to do that but yeah I am still alive so I will be fine. Everything and everyone got on my nerves. I felt like trash and I cursed a lot more. I became a very bitter person. I could not wait to see everyone fail, crash and burn. 

The only activity I enjoy doing was my CCA. SMC was my heaven compared to the hell called school. It kept me coming to school. Sometimes I just hoped that I could just come to school for SMC and nothing else. The people there were generally nice. I was rather okay (okay ya la good) at whatever I was doing. With that, me and my damned passion dived right into SMC work. I neglected my school work because I was way too busy and tired from doing SMC work. June came along and yup so did Terms. Now cue the scary music as I enter one of the blackholes in my academic life.

You see, I failed Terms. As in, I failed the report card. I failed the promotional criteria. I didn't pass. I just simply could not promote based on my then results. It never happened. Sure I did fail some subjects, but never the promotional criteria.  My parents were embarrassed, a joke that I always say became a reality. It was a nightmare all over again. Haha, cruel world. A little sunshine in my life was soon covered by a great thunderstorm.

My mother did say very mean things, and my father was just simply disappointed. I fell into a new low. The thoughts came back. I cried myself to sleep every single night, hoping that by some force I won't wake up tomorrow morning. I was expecting I would not do well, but not to an extent that I failed the bare minimum. They say in life there is always a first in everything. Well, this is such a cruel first.

Then after, BMO came along and I was so thankful that I did get coaxed to sign up for that. My SMC friends that were there became my best friends in JC. We got a common goal, to serve the community and do all the VIAs. We helped in Batam and oh boy it was fun talking in Chinese so that certain people could not decipher what we were talking about. We ranted, ed and laughed all day long. Serving was fun and but the friends I made through this was even better.

That was also about the time that we realise that the CCA we love and cared was a little flawed. We became poisons to the CCA. But we stood for our own principles so I guess that was worth it. I also started studying really hard. Not sure if I made any improvements but I still did try my absolute best. My seniors were kind enough to tutor me after knowing I was flatass broke due to my family circumstances. We also had a lot of fun together as a gang. It was really enjoyable and probably the happiest time of my JC life up till now.

Sure, I did not fit in with my class and yeah was ostracised for a good period of time. I guess things are getting a little better but it does not particularly bother me. I realised that really a few close friends can get you a long way. 

So technically this is up till now. A day before the result release of my promotional examinations. I may end up crying because I didn't make a mark, oh well I certainly hope not. My friends now give me a reason to not retain. I want to graduate with them. I want to promote for myself and not to please my parents. I want to do this for my future. So Lord, please really help me and give me strength to achieve my aim. 

I realised that life is not about being the most popular or appeal to the masses, it is just doing justice to yourself and the people you do care about. 

Honestly, I am really nervous now. I really want to make the mark. Actually way above the mark. Please bless me.