I can't sleep. 

I've been thinking, a lot. Sometimes too much that I can't handle it. I don't want to bore anyone with my hectic finals, or my stupid heart. But these are the things that made me want to vent everything out. Because it hurts, and it is not the kind of hurt that 'Oh, I'll cry today and forget about it tomorrow' or 'This pain is temporary' or 'Rain before rainbows'. No. It hurts too much. I am physically and emotionally in pain. Not to sound dramatic, because I know people out there is feeling thousand times tier than me. But I let my fingers work wonders and maybe I'll cry this out, or I'll get mad and shut myself again.

They said, 'Time heals the wound.'

For two years (and more), I am scarred. These are accumulated from my several failed, unrequited and selfish relationships. I am not perfect. I've been in and out of love for so many times. Its like a knife puncturing deep into unhealed wounds, and those blade keep twisting and twisting until all my heart strings unattached, until all I could feel is... nothing. I have to say that, my very last relationship affects me so much that I can't think of ever falling in love. Sure, I've had crushes here and there, but it was all fun and games. It was all pain and pain and pain, of what exactly? not being good enough, not pretty or attractive, not capable of love and everything falls apart. I have serious issue about this part so please bare with me. Throughout those two years of healing, I never thought of settling down. Relationship doesn't blend well with me, because I know I can never be happy or make someone happy, not with the baggage I took every now and then. I've dream of love, but I figured I fell for the idea of it. It sounds superficial, that things should be in order and perfectly planned. I am adored with perfect relationships because it consists of happiness and understanding, that I want to be in one. Yet, it is too unrealistic that I don't even know what I want anymore. 

'I can't love and that's okay."

I wrote romance, read romance and fantasize about romance. But the truth is, I can never feel romance. Maybe I have not met the one, or I'll never be. My faith in this is ceasing from one to zero, and I never believe that it'll turn a complete negative. I am not egoistical, or blind or deaf of stupid, but love makes me feel all of it. I am so done with foolishness, giving my heart to those who I think deserves it. I am scared and I still fear the day that I'll cry over people, because people doesn't cry for me. I've cried again, tonight. No matter how much pain I felt, I can never be immune to it. It feels raw and new and fresh and it is too painful to even turn a blind eye, to be deaf, to be ignorant... It makes me.... emotionless. 

I ran out of things to say. I just need... time and isolation.