So it’s supposed to be my birthday weekend. But I’m stuck here on a Sunday morning. I can’t sleep. Even though my body is tarried. My mind won’t let me sleep. 

I don’t know how this started. I was so happy on the 18th, on my real birthday. Than suddenly I felt bad. like I don’t know. I feel like I failed my big brother.

  You see, I used to cut myself before, I got in a really big depression and that was the only way the pain would loosen. I used to inflict on myself. And I almost did it today, or should I say yesterday. Since its already Sunday. 

My big brother told me not to cut myself anymore, He made me promise myself that I will not. But than I almost did. I broke the promise I made to him.

But losing my big brother made me depressed. He left me here in the world, out at sea it feels. 
 

When he died it felt like I lost part of myself. It felt that I wasn’t hole. And people in my family expected me to just move on fast. They didn’t help me at all. All they did was infect me more. I’m in the sea of my tears and all they do is just sit there thinking time would fix it. When it doesn’t always work out that way. 

They are wrong when they still think that it will just pass. His my Gege for heavens sakes. But they still don’t get it. None of them are helping. And I’m to scared to tell my dad. 
 

Like would he be scared, look at me differently if he found out his daughter isn’t exactly happy all the time, would he look at me disgusted. I cut myself time before. But I always cover it. 

I don’t know.. If this is something you would really read since it’s so depressing. But I just needed to get something off my chest. I feel lost though. Like I lost my way.. And that I drowned already. I don’t know what to do. I feel scared though.