I never once thought that i'd be touching this part of my profile, but finally yes i did. Now i did.

I don't really know what to write for my first blog post so i picked a topic vèry close to almost everyone.

Isn't it true? All of us had or has our first love. Except for writing or reading, of course. Except for your passion or kpop stars.

Let's just be realistic and face it—there's a time in our lives that we all fell for someone. He could be your boyfriend now, your ex, your best friend, your schoolmate, classmate, seatmate, your teacher or professor, the most coveted boy in school, your husband, or he can be not any of what i had mentioned.

He can just be someone you fell in love with, but was never yours. Someone you knew but you found yourself once attracted to. Your unrequited love whom you thought you'd be so in love with for the rest of your life. Someone you depicted as your future groom. Someone you will never forget. The boy who had the biggest impact for you even after so many years had passed.

Your first love. Your first heartache.

Do you believe that any person could have deeply experienced so many kinds of love, had her first love even without ever having a boyfriend? I guess I do.

Because even before I declared idols as my husbands (lol. Sorry for being not so serious) i was also just a girl who had so many crushes all through out her life, fell in love—deeply with someone, and had her heart broken so much once.

High school would be the usual time almost all of us fell in love with someone. And as cliche as it sound, i did that same time around too. He's the least i expected to ever fall in love with. He's a quiet friend who's bubbly around other people. I didn't talk to him much when i was still just a sophomore. But we're friend. Considered friends since i talk to everyone, including him. He's close to my best friend so talking to him from time to time would be inevitable. He's not the most handsome but i can assure you he's good looking. Kind. He's good at a couple of subjects. He's a talented musician. All in all, he's very likable. In fact, i had quite a number of classmates/schoolmates who had a crush on him.

Frankly, î never thought i would like him because i only considered him a friend. And at that time i was still getting over an unrequited crush over my best friend who i had helped with to be with my other girl bestfriend. But maybe the reason why i fell for him is that along the way, even if i wasn't showing any interest,he was just there consistently showing himself up. He even had the courage to tell some of our classmates that i was his crush—that i didn't believe at first. Because in all honesty, i didn't think someone like him would like a simple, geeky, and weird girl like me. I am an introvert, quiet, i don't talk a lot, and maybe my personàlity îsn't the best. So, why did he like me?

The first time i only probably felt something different for him was when i saw him play the piano in our classroom for the very first time. He just looked very beautiful at that moment. That right after that day, fôr two months, i always looked at him, striked more conversations with him—personally, through phone calls, chats, i complimented him more. Until one day, i just deçided confessing to him. And after that, we started getting closer until i knew we shared something that was already beyond friendship. There was that certain spark between us and i knew that our feelings were very mutual. Despite that, i still drew the line and always told him that for that time we can only be friends because my parents are pretty strict. And being the obedient daughter, i still refused to be courted and to be asked to be someone's girlfriend. He understood that well in the beginning. And i was thankful. We still communicated a lot until probably months away after that he asked me if i can be his... You know? Haha. But i rejected him. And he knew the very obvious reason to that.

After that time, i already had a feeling we were slowly drifting away from each other. Basically, i've foreseen it coming because for a long time, he started giving me the cold shoulder—shorter replies, nonchalance, he don't talk things about his life with me so willingly anymore, ignores my texts at times, doesn't share his secrets anymore, etc etc. He started becoming a mystery to me. Someone i thought i already knew but at the same time made me feel like i didn't know him at all. Yes, there were occasions he would randomly send me messages about his true feelings but that was it. He was not showing it anymore. I know i had faults. I had things i had done to make him act and feel that way towards me. I blamed myself at a point because i certainly did something to slowly affect his feelings for me. And though i had prepared myself for the inevitable—seeing him fall in love for someone else, I still felt the most hurt. Because no matter how we try, let's face it, someone we had invested so much emotions with will always be our greatest weakness.

In my case, my first love was my kryptonite.

I wouldn't write the details how his feelings changed for me, or how he met the girl. I'll just say that i felt betrayed at tyhat time because i saw him hold her hand as if he wasn't guilty he at least didn't put some closure to whatever we had. I felt bitter at a point. But i didn't blame him for it because i know i was also at fault. 

If i had confronted him after that, yes i did. I wasn't a coward anymore at that point. I just let him know how much he meant to me. And even if he saidsomething to comfort me i knew it was just only giving me false hopes on him. So, even after that nothing was never normal between us. I decided we were better off not being friends. So i just watched him almost every day by the side lines. Enduring the heartbreak. As long as he was happy even not because of me.

I guess, even if whatever we had was unlabelèd, i considered it a precious memory that i've kept loving him for four or five years. I didn't force myself to forget him because i wasn't yet ready. Perhaps the only time i slowly started forgetting him was when i started indulging in kpop. I was particularly hooked to this only band of 13, and for those times until now i kept inspiring myself through them because they served as my escape from reality until i had learned to love them.

Honestly, after that guy, i became very afraid to love someone again. Because i gave away a huge part of my heart to him and yet he managed to simply throw it away. I don't want to fall again because i was afraid i wouldn't be able to give back the same amount. I'm afraid of hurting. That even now, i don't mind being single for the rest of my life. Honestly, having a boyfriend became least of my priorities. If it will come it will. If it won't then it's also fine.

I'm just happy i am able to love myself more than anyone else and that i am able to share my heart with a lot more people than just letting my heart tied again to someone. It would be a great waste if i won't be able to find a guy that will not pursue me or won't be better enough to love me more than i can love him that's why.

So, till then i just feel satisfied and happy being me. Being alone. Spending my days like it's the beginning and end. To the fullest.

I understand there are many kinds of first love. And i guess this is just my story. All i'm saying is that you have your own story to tell. Your own heartaches. But don't be like me. Just love. Get hurt. But make sure the one you'll be crying for is worth your tears. Love someone that will make your heart flutter without the agitation. Someone who would accept you as you are. Someone who won't cling over the past. Someone who would make you feel calm and safe without the anxious butterflies.