So I know this is completely my own fault, but there's this Chinese co-worker of mine named Alex. He's so cute and nice and he's 18 and a half years old. He consoled me, in his own way by asking me my name, when I started crying cause I messed up on my first day. I told him he could call me Chachi and he started saying it super cutely when I passed him. I thought, maybe work wouldn't be too bad if I got to see him everyday. Then I hear he is moving to Texas soon to start his own restaurant with his brother Chong, so I think that's okay it was just a stupid little crush anyway. Then I hear he's married? I'm still a little hazy on that detail. He jokes saying he's taken in China, but here in America he's single. Now I'm just like, well, okay then, I already accepted the fact that he wouldn't even like me that way anyway, doesn't mean I can't admire from afar. Then he compliments my little doodles of eyes and my chest starts to hurt, because he engaged me in conversation and his smile is beautiful and he's so nice and his English isn't good but yet it's perfect. So I decide to add him on Facebook and we start talking -- and he calls me cute and I can't stop smiling and he begins to worry about whether I've eaten or not and he seems so happy and surprised when I say I want to hang out with him. He asks me my favorite things and he jokes when I say I like sweet and sour chicken "eww..... you like Chinese food?" Because he's Chinese, and we joke about his age, and I tell him I don't have many friends, and he said I have him now and says it's his pleasure to make me feel happy. Then I tell him he's one of the coolest people I've ever met and he calls me a liar, but then says I'm one of the smartest cute people he's ever met.

And I joke asking if he could sneak me out a couple egg roles and he tells me to go to the restaurant and he'll give me money. Of course I argue, but he wins, ending the conversation with a "we're friend..." and what does the dots mean?,  and when I arrive is really too late to get anything but we hug. . . Three times and he's just so warm and nice and I feel my chest hurt again.

And I get so embarrassed and I can't stop crying I even have a panic attack and when I get to my friends house, I feel terrible and we bust out the wine. He's worried about me saying I need to eat and relax, and I tell him how I almost got in a car accident that morning, and he really worries saying I'm more important than the car and that I should stay safe. I tell him about the wine and he jokes about beer, instead of judging me for underage drinking, tells me not to get drunk, calls me a good girl when I promise I won't and then says I'd be adorable tipsy. Proceeding to say I'm adorable no matter what I do. He says he likes talking to me, said he wants to join our girl night. When I'm going to bed he tells me sweety dream.

The next morning, this morning, he didn't work, but he needs to pack and I say I was hoping I'd see him and he says he wants to see me too, probably more than I want to see him. He wants to help me with my version of self harm (digging my nail into the skin of my arm). We joke about guys dirty, girls clean, my eating habits, my height (and for once I'm not offended by it). He worries when my steering wheel burnt my hand.......... and it's been two hours since we last talked....... and I've cried because I don't want him to go, but I'm not about to make a fool of myself by spilling my stupid little crush and telling him something embarrassing like that. And it hurts my heart..... a lot......................

Is none of that flirting? Am I just clinically insane? Or maybe I ready need to get laid.

~very-sad-heartbroken Topsy