I really don't know what to say anymore.

Now, I know I tend to complain a lot. To you guys...not out loud. At home I usually keep my mouth tightly shut until the only thing that I open are my tear gates in the bathroom. I never protest anything openly, I never show emotion...only around my friends to I let my barriers down.

But I'm so tired of these neverending tears and bouts of sadness.

All I hear from my parents is talk about the other (and although they love each other), it's really hard to be put in the middle of all their bickers. What am I supposed to do? Yeah, my mom annoys my dad, but my dad takes things to far and breaks her heart.

Take for example the fact that he started smoking after losing his job. Now, I admit, at first I was a bit upset by this, because I lost my grandma to an illness related to smoking for 40 years. He's promised time and time again that he'd quit on ____ day, and whatnot. Hell, he ing swore he'd stop on the anniversary of my grandma's death.

And he goes back on his word. Once again, this goes against everything he says and does what he wants to do.

I totally understand the addiction aspect. But my father is one of the weakest people I've ever known. I don't mean physically. I mean he's mentally inept of doing anything for anyone else and keeping his word.

So my mom's all upset about him doing this...I'm honestly not upset that he does what he does. Quite frankly, as cruel as it sounds for a daughter to say, I gave up caring. As the macros say, he does what he wants. Whatever. He wants to kill himself, be my guest. But I'm tired of seeing my mother upset and her ing to me because my dad's an ignorant prick.

And the ignorance! All of his derogatory names for different ethnicities...as a kid I always jokingly yelled at him for it. Now it's to the point where I verbalize how wrong it is even though I'm blatantly ignored. Occassionally my mom will hop in and join my dad or help me...but you're either with me or against me. Don't be a hypocrite and call people derogatory names and then them.

He had the nerve to ask me what my fascination with Asians was. Uhm, what do you want me to say? When I answer him honestly, all he can ask is "But can't you be attracted to white people?"

Uhm...dumb, I am. Asians are white. I find white people attractive just as much as Asians. And blacks. And any other ethnicity. I'm not about to define my standards of love to meet your approval. You don't like it, tough . You just won't get to be around to see your grandkids grow up. Especially if you continue to smoke in the fashion you do and keep neglecting your health.

And health and body! You have the gaul to insult my body and how its built...excuse me, you're morbidly obese. Don't tell me to lay off of the starch at dinner. I understand you want something better for me, but you can't continue in pursuing your own ed up morals and dictate how I live my life. If you haven't noticed, I've lost 15 pounds in a matter of a few months and I'm now in a much healthier weight range. Everyday my body gets stronger as your deteriorates. Don't disrespect and disregard all the hard work I've done in my life so far to please you.

That's another thing...why the do I have to justify anything that I do? Don't tell me that it's hard to make it in the art industry...NO ING . I never thought for one second the life I'm choosing would be easy. The life you chose wasn't easy either, Ignoramus, and yet somehow you were one of the best at what you did. There were 2500 of you, and you were in the top 300. That takes skill. Don't doubt my skill...I know your precious mommy had faith in you and didn't say two words to you about what choices you made (both good and bad), so don't up my confidence any more than you already have.

Okay, you do have one redeeming quality...We were talking the other day about how ed up the people in my family are...On BOTH sides, almost every immediate biological family member I have has cheated on their spouse...except you two. So I have to admit, I have some respect left for you. But it's really hard to respect someone who constantly breaks my heart the way you do.

Obviously that Grease quote "The only guy a girl can depend on is her daddy" was proven wrong with my mom's dad. I used to always believe this statement. But over the past few years it kills me to say that I find it so incredibly hard to talk to you like I used to. I can't be myself anymore because I'm afraid of how you'll perceive me. You constantly judge and bash me, even if you don't mean to. You need to really start thinking about what you want to say, because you're really doing more damage than good.

Just today I had a teacher tell me how optimistic I was. Yeah, well, if you saw me at home, you'd see me crying as I'm typing this. I'm not really the happy-go-lucky kid I pretend to be. I might have a handle on my emotions where you are, but within the confines of my own home I can't hold back anymore.

But you know what? No matter what you say, I'm beautiful. At least I aspire to be. I just really hope something will reach you and turn you back into that beautiful image I once had of you. It's not fair that the world ruins every good person that walks across it. And I'd rather not think that every man is the same nowadays. I have so much more hope for my brother and cousin, and if you ruin that hope, what do I have to look forward to in the future?

Oh that's right...I get to look forward to the wonderful things I'm going to have one day. I'm going to have Ge2TT for the rest of my life. I'm going to have my intelligence, my talent, my beauty. Whether or not you'll ever see it is another story, but I pray that you will.

And I'm sure you're all expecting it by now...YA! Woo Jiho!! Don't do that!!! (ahahaha, subtle reference to the interview they did in Singapore. Look it up!) I have hopes of getting to meet you someday...fall in love with you all over again...but I digress. Even if the girl you're destined for isn't me, be good to her. Be good to your daughters. Your sons. Be supportive, be strong...be a man. Don't break their hearts...because all they know how to do is give you theirs. The least you can do is reciprocate somehow. And because I love you, I have so much faith that you will be. Just please don't destroy that faith like everyone else has? If you betray my trust (even though we don't know each other), I don't know what I'll do.

Thanks everyone for listening. DragonG just really needs to let off some steam every once in a while. I'm already feeling better, so that's a good thing ^^ Aish...this is what happens when your ovaries burst after watching the Block B teaser 20000+ times in one day ._. Haha, I might just go watch it again to make myself feel 100% again. ♥