I'm confused :'(

I have been wondering this part of me for a long time.. Sometimes I kinda have a different 'personality'. On one condition I will act like child and chatting happily with childish tone (I dont know whats the trigger, it happens when I'm happy and some happened when I was stressed), sometimes I will act mature and calm. I often imagine hurting myself, such as when I hold a strapler I start imagine how hurt it is to get the strapler piercing on my fingers and I usually ALMOST do it but realized what I do and put it back. when I look at a knife or scicssor I just want to.. hurt myself. But fortunately I always avoid to see at it. I often Imagine a tragic or sadist death (like final destination) and I have to keep chanting to myself 'no' everytime. But I know other people see me as a normal ppl. And I never harm myself luckily. Oh, and I once put my finger between the scicssor and almost cut my hand but I holdd back, like something was snapped at me but I urges to keep doing . but I dont do it in the end. I honestly want o be my childish self, I think its the real me.. But Idk why I always covering it with my calm personality. I dont even know which is the real me bcs both of them feels like the real me, for this 14-soon to be-15 years I have been confused abt this. And I'm sure I dont want to talk abt this to anyone. Once my mood dropped drastically from happy to mad in a short time, I just.. dont know. And what ALWAYS happen to me is, when someone is flirting (ok is this even-) and i just felt happy, and when he confessed, at that moment I'm happy but the next day.. That happiness is completely vanished like- why am i accepting this person, it's too much burden. and it ALWAYS happen. The last relationship I had was at my birthday 1 year ago and it last for in' 2 days, just bcs of me. I feel bad for him, really. But I just cant say the truth. I'm afraid. That's why I swear to myself that I dont want to be in a relationship till I'm ready.. I found it difficult when Im in a room alone with door closed, when i sleep, there shouod be someone in the room, idk if she or he play laptop or smth as long as theres someone there. (Im embarassed to saythis) I take a bath with door slightly opened, or maybe not too slight but not too wide for ppl to see. When Im in a bathroom with door closed It will be hard for me to breather and I keep glancing around... anyway, pls pray for me so I stop thinking abt harming myself, I'm afraid when i grow up I will self harming..

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jellyace02 #1 May 30, 2015 02:54:32

Ooooh, it's good that you haven't done it, even once. But what I think of you is that... I think you're just CURIOUS. you know, you want to know how it feels, but then you know you'll be hurt when you harm yourself so you don't do it. You wanted to try but you never did it. It's fine, actually, to be curious but then you should if it will make you any good. You're only uhm, 14 soon-to-be-15 years old (yeah hahha) but I hope you won't be thinking about doing it again. A life is precious. Don't do any harm to yourself. You should just watch your idols and spazz with your friends :D That's better. I'll pray for you. And you should trust God, (well if you're a Christian) You know what's right or wrong already.

It's okay to have childish thoughts because even though I'm already 16, I sometimes act like a child, cause it's fun hahaha. But you know, I admire you for being calm and mature. Though I also act mature especially when the other ones around me are younger than me. But you know, we should know how to have fun.

Regarding to the relationships you had, it's fine to have those urges and feelings cause we're a teenager. You know, we're especially attracted to others because of the things we see. It's fine to have those experiences because we'll soon learn from that, and look, you already know what you already want (that you won't be in a relationship till you're ready) Yeah, that's a good start. :D

I know only a few things and I shared it to you but you know in yourself what you want and who you are. Hwaiting! I hope you can figure out what you want!!