Aigoo. Why do I feel like I only blog here on AFF when I have problems? Well, let's start of by apologizing to you guys, since I might waste your time whilst reading this blog. I just want to confide with you -- ask for some advice, maybe? I'll cut to the chase since this might take longer. I have misophonia, and I have been suffering from this psychological disorder for years now. I don't know when it started, but because of this one I have blown up by rage for a lot of times that I lost count. Sometimes by random events, I blow up. I'm a freaking misanthrope, it hurts.

For those of you who have no idea what a misophonia is, it's the decreased tolerance to (in many cases, hatred of) certain sounds, is a newly-recognized phenomenon that remains poorly understand. Sufferers are driven to distraction—even rage—by such insignificant sounds as chewing, tapping, breathing, whistling, scratching, humming, and footsteps. And, apparently, nail-clipping. In my case, I loathe the sound of chewing and mouse clicks. Worse yet, "Experts say the condition almost always begins in the early teens and worsens over time, where annoyance of one sound may expand to three or four sounds."

So yeah. That's the basis of this whole drama. I got reprimanded of being so inconsiderate and selfish, that I was always the only being understood, when in fact, they're not even trying. If I could stop it, I would! Really! It hurts because it's like my family hates me or something for it. They don't really give out any concern when I put myself in a corner and cover my ears like a very depressed being. They just get angry. 

It's not like I can stop it either. Hell, I would die just to erase this disorder out of me, but I can't. They don't -- can't understand how hard it is for me as well. I admit that I am being selfish. I would always try a lot of ways just to make those noises stop, mostly resorting to anger in the end, and I understand that they are probably getting tired of it, but I'm tired as well. 

Tonight was the first time I laughed maniacally while crying. I was even surprised myself. After they got angry at me I laughed. You might think that I have gone crazy, but I haven't.. .yet. Deep inside, I was breaking apart. Gosh I feel like making a story out of this one. Haha.

Recently, there was this argument that I heard out the room. I think they thought that I was sleeping. I heard them say how disappointed they were for me with the course that I will be graduating soon. In my point of view, why can't they just be proud of me for even graduating. Moreover, there's nothing wrong with Business Administration. I love my course and they should respect my decision. I didn't speak to them after two days, and they didn't really approach me for it. I only went out to eat, do my business on the bathroom, bath, and brush my teeth. I was really depressed. Really.

After two days, my mother talked to me and asked me what was wrong. It hurt because she didn't even know why I was sulking. I didn't tell her why afterwards. A day after, I realized that I was being selfish so I interacted with them as if nothing happened in the past few days. They didn't argue, and I really was trying hard. That night, I told my mother what the deal was and cried, but she didn't really console me. In fact, she didn't say anything.

In the end, I feel like a disappointment. I graduated in high school as the top four student of the whole school. My professor recommended me to further pursue my desired course which is Engineering, because for him, I had the aspects of one, and that I had a lot of potential. I will be graduating this June 4, our thesis being a candidate for the Best Thesis Award with actual investors lining up to buy our project for a relatively large amount of money, and although I am not in the Dean's list nor a Laude, I have a job that is high-paying, very much higher than what my colleagues are earning at the moment even though I am only working for an online job. I have a lot of achievement and yet they still think I'm a failure? It's not like I'm asking for rewards, acknowledgements, or any amends. I just think that it's unfair. Why can't they be proud of me?

Well, I guess that's about it. I'm pretty messed up, ain't I? I think you'd be surprised that a writer here is "that" depressed. I have a lot more things bottled up inside that I am not ready to share yet though. I'm just messed up.

I was looking for some outlet though, and luckily, you guys and AFF are here. There is a possibility that you might think of me committing suicide or something as well. Don't worry. I'm better than that. Heck, I even published a story here about suicide. It'd be very disappointing if I break the sense out of that story.

I missed blogging. Aigoo. Thank you for reading. :)