Have you ever wonder how bird build their nest and who taught them how and how the wind is called a wind and why the sky is always blue during the sunlight and who hangs the clouds up so high and well we have that one answer that answers all the questions. Scientific terms! Exactly. 

But however, I'm not going to talk about scientific terms or maths or education because I know ever single person of you who reads this lousy blog is wonderful and geniuses. But today, I'm going to talk about my thoughts. The thoughts that I have been keeping for months and months and months and weeks and weeks and days and days and days. And same goes to minutes and seconds. 

First of all, have you ever shook a bottle of coke and when you open them it some kind of explode everywhere? That is what I'm feeling right now, to write a blog about my thoughts. I am so excited to tell you what's inside my mind, even though my mind is not that big as Albert Einstein's or anything else. I just hope that I have the same thought as yours.  So here it goes,

What's in my mind recently that I want to run away from home, not because I hate my parents or I hate my life it's because I want to go beyond my life and discover more, like what's there beyond that pine trees and beyond that clouds and beyond that rainbow or stars and skies and universe and all. I want to go beyond myself and explore with my curiosity. Tell you what, dear readers. There are billions people out there who I have not met and hundreds of countries that I never been to and yet, I am stuck in this insignificant town, been force to plan my future while I barely even know myself. Let's take the last part, shall we? Barely even know myself. Or ourselves, consider that. We're not just talking about me we're talking about our minds and wonder if we have the accurate thinking. But whatever. 

So, our minds, and barely even know ourselves. I agree on that statement because for years I've been living myself as my self and being 'WhiteFlakes' on asianfanfic and being a 'Stalker' for my crush and being a lousy student and a dumb friend for everybody, but yet, I barely even know myself. I ask myself so many times that what will I do with my life when I'm ing old. It just not fair, all these years, spending money and spending time educating ourselves and teaching ourselves about being a person with a good career but in the end you just ended up... confused and numb about which way you wanted to go and do. 

Do, I have heard the 'Do' much in my life. My parents asked me that, my teachers asked me that, my friends asked me that, the strangers from social media asked me that. Do do do do do do. What do you want to DO in your life, dear 'Whiteflakes? If being me is a career then, yes. I choose to be me instead of a doctor or a writer or a chemist, or a biologist or a teacher or a robber. I choose to be the person who writes lousy fanfics on the internet, being knowns as the another person on social media and also the another girl for my crush and all. Being friendzone all over. Well, even though it hurts I still enjoy being me. 

Despite of enjoy, I also have this weird self-esteem that I really ing hate myself but at the same time I feel like I am ing better than anybody else. Life is sometimes amusing but just 9 percent of it. The other 91 percent of Life is HARD. 

I cried so many times for no reason, maybe because I am dumb to choose who I wanted to be. Instead of being me, because there is no 'being yourself' in the list of careers. I also cried so many times because I am a huge disappointment for everybody. Especially the people who I care till it hurts. Want to know something? My best friends don't trust me anymore after what they read on my diary. 50 percent of it was their fault and the other 50 percent was my fault. Because I was talking trash about them. I am bad myself too. But it was a long dead story. I was pissed and all and I wrote things that I don't mean it and they took it personally and they don't trust me anymore even though they said they forgive me and they wanted to be friends again. But I know the way they exchange looks when I talked. And I am completely aware that I am being back-stabbed by my friends. 

I am tired. You're tired. We are all tired with life's . We're so done with the same crap that we deal everyday. You know, have you ever wonder when you wake up and you kind of snapped in to this random thoughts and say "How did I ended up here?" I asked myself often when I was brushing my teeth and having meals and all. I just... I am completely lost and I am struggling to find my way back as the person that I was 2 years ago. To the readers who read my fanfic entitled 'Stockholm Syndrome' and you have experienced the character of Luhan in my story. Well actually, the characteristic of the crazy Luhan is me. But seriously, I don't have schizofrenia. (Spoiler alert.) My minds don't play games with me but my thoughts are killing me. 

I have killed thousand of people inside my mind and if you can read my mind right now, you'll be in tears and gasping because you'll be seeing a lot of dead bodies. Even though, we are happy and satisfied with our life, we're also allowed to be sad whenever we wanted to. You don't need to have a reason to be sad or cry your heart out. When you're feeling low, lower than the floor and you wanted to stay strong but you ended up crying and people calling you names and talk behind because you're crying and they think you are a baby. 

Actually, we don't broke down and cry our heart out because we are bunch of babies it's because we've been strong for so long and it's the time to just let everything go through the drops from your eyes. We deserve to be the happiest person in the world and it's not againts the law. 

And I wish I have the same thoughts as yours.