If life was different. 

What could have happened to me? 

If my life was better, way better than this crap I call my life. 

Will I regret everything and turn back time to come back and live this useless life once again? 

I guess not. 

Many of us wish to be something that we aren't. 

Something that we may never attain and achieve but we still hope.. 

Hope that maybe one day we'll reach our goals and be truly happy. 

As for me, I want to be different.. 

Totally different from who I am right now. 

I hate myself.. no doubt about that. 

I want to be Rich, pretty but most especially to be loved. 

Loved thoroughly. 

I don't care about the precious jewels and awe-stricking beauty. 

I only care to be loved, wanted and seen as someone useful and not just a pest in this goddamed world. 

But who am I to blame if they don't want me, much more love me? 

I'm useless to the pits of Hell. 

I have a foul attitude. 

I'm not some Einstein who aces tests in a abnornmal manner. 

I'm ugly. 

I'm lazy- much more Juan of the story, Juan Tamad. ( The Lazy Juan ) 

No one would probably take the time to bother. 

Do you know how much it hurts to hear those words much more say them but.. 

they are the truth and as they say. 

Reality hurts and bites. Hard. 

So I do the best thing I could think of and that's to keep myself  away from other people. 

Keep  myself reserved and be contented to be alone. 

But everytime I see my classmates, chatting with their bestfriends and eating lunch with them, I feel a painful tung in my chest. 

When can I meet someone who I can fully trust? Someone that who understands me and accepts me for who I am and not of what they want me to be? 

I'm sick of pretending and acting like I care. 

When can I meet someone who can fully understand me and can break the wall I unconsciously built to protect myself? 

Ive been hurt and betrayed before... my trust torn and stepped as if it was merely just trash that they ould just throw when they like and toy when they want to. 

Sorry if you find this pretty much useless but I just feel a bit more better when I write away my problems. 

It's merely up to you if you wanted to read my ramblings or not. 

I find writing as another way of reflecting and showing the sides of me that I hide from other people. 

Well.. 

that's all for now. 

- bewilderedM