*Sigh*

Okay, so.

Recently I've been under a lot of stress and trying to change myself.

I've always had self esteem issues and minor depression. I've been overweight since I can remember and I've never liked the way I look.

So I decided to do something about it.

I go to the gym either every day or every other day. I replaced my soda/pop with water, lemonade or milk. And I even started this thing that my mom is doing where you take this nutrient shake and it replaces a meal.

I've been burning like 400 calories everytime I workout and I changed the way I ate (replacing chips with apples and carrots and stuff)

but I still see nothing and I feel the same after a couple months. My mom has been doing it with me and she's lost almost 20 pounds.

I get it, all bodies are different. But I still feel like everytime I look in a mirror, even if my friends or my sister tells me I'm pretty. I've just been feeling so low.

That all on top of college, prom, graduation, and school work stuff is really starting to weigh down on me. I have so much to do and I'm freaking out.

I don't wanna put my stories on hold because that would for my subscribers and writing helps me.

I was diagnosed with severe panic disorder around a year or two ago.

I had to find things to do to keep my hormones down (a panic attack is caused by an inbalance of chemicals/hormones in the brain), because if I didn't then I would have these panic attacks that would last as long as two hours.

People literally have to push me into a dark room and place my head between my knees so my heart rate could slow down (panic and anxiety attacks cause heart arythmia, and worse case scenario you can die from your heart bursting)

On top of that I would have nightmares three times a week and constant paranoia and I dropped into a very bad depression. My parents literally thought I was getting bullied in school.

But I found this site and discovered that writing (and music) calms my nerves.

I haven't had a panic attack in 8 months.

Yet I feel myself slowly drifting back into that hole because all of my stress. And its starting to scare me. All I wanted to do is lose weight and be confident.

My social anxiety is so bad that people have to order food for me at restaurants. I don't wanna go back to that. I don't wanna go back to everybody thinking I'm a or I'm rude because I can't talk to people and I like to be by myself.

I just don't know what to do.