Dear Diary

I feel like I'm walking with anchors attached to my feet and their not just mine. It's like I'm carrying everybody's cross plus my own. I can't change where I'm at. This isn't my fault and it's not a choice. I can't sit here and say poor me, I can't sit here and ask why. I HAVE to sit here and be okay with all of it. I HAVE to sit here and go along with it. I'm the one that's in the middle of everything and I have to be okay with it. I'm the one that has to hear it and nobody else does. I'm the one that has to watch this horror movie without covering my eyes. If I go left, I'm wrong. If I go right, I'm wrong.

I'm the one that doesn't understand but is forced to understand. I'm the one that has to pray, I'm the one that has to smile, I'm the one that has to listen, I'm the one that has to be strong, I'm the one that has to be wise, I'm the one that says everything will be okay, I'm the one that has to be the Saving Grace. I'm the one that has to be everything for everybody and fight this war alone. It's okay though, this is life, right? This is what I'm supposed to do, right? This is why I'm here, right? This is God's plan for Me. It's a gift if I remain positive but it's a curse if I let it control Me.

You can't see Me if you don't open your eyes. You can't hear Me if you don't listen. You can't feel Me if you keep pretending I don't exist. You can't feel Me if your refusing to reach out. You can't find Me in the shadows if your afraid of the dark.

"So I drop to my knees and I scream with my might
I’m know that these walls can’t hear Me
I say, Lord, please won’t you hear my cry?
I know that these walls can’t hear Me
Maybe if I plead and I sing out loud
I know that these walls can’t hear Me
Jesus come walk, come walk with me now
Cause I know that these walls can’t hear Me"

I shouldn't be complaining though, right? Even though people keep leaving me and this world keeps deceiving Me, I know I'm gonna be alright. I WILL keep smiling, I WILL keep praying, I WILL be stronger, I WILL get wiser. Why? Because He's got Me, I got Me. I WILL be okay. I'm Blessed. Everything seems to be falling all around Me but He's put his arms around Me.

"See I need some healing
Cause I’m losing feeling
Lord won’t you please hear my cry
Let your love rain from the sky "

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ARMYforever #1 Mar 10, 2015 20:53:24

Gosh, I know what you mean. By the way this post was really inspiring because I've been up and down lately, felt stuff similar to what you're saying. It brought to mind something a friend of mine said once- "Even when your building falls down, it's in His hand and He'll catch all the pieces."
I know words are cheap and everyone says "Oh I get it! I know what you mean!" and they don't, but I feel like I do and I truly do mean this- that I get what you're saying and if you ever want to talk anything out with me, I want to do that.