You don't have to read this if you don't want to, I was never one to share my personal life on social media, but if you want to then read on. THIS IS A LONG K-DRAMA LIKE POST OKAY?! PREPARE FOR TONS OF STORYTELLING!! I just have no one to talk to and there's so many emotions flowing in my mind right now that all the thoughts are just overflowing. It also makes me feel really dumb because I seriously don't know why I'm wasting my time hurting over this when in all reality has nothing to do with me. 

I'm almost 19. When I was 14, a few months away from 15, I (very stupidly) fell in love with this guy who had just turned 17. He was friends with my best guy friend's older brother, therefore my best guy friend was friends with him too. My high school was having this bonfire thing for a football game coming up the next day, and that's where I met him. I knew the very moment I saw him that I was gonna get to know him and grow closer with him. I just knew.

I became friends with him and I immediately knew I really really liked him. He was tall, really muscular, kind of a "meat head" you know, obsessed with his body and exercising, eating meat, I have no idea why I liked this guy to be honest XD I just thought he was funny and extremely attractive and COMPLETELY out of my league.

i still remember this one time, a month before I turned 15, I slept over my best guy friend's house (yes I did that, we're like brother and sister). We had a movie night with a big group of our friends (Kat included), and let me make this clear because Kat always insists this is my fault (in a best friend comedic way of course XD) I was laying on the floor all comfy and the guy I like was on the couch with the others. Out of no where he comes and lays by me! He kept hitting my knee against mine just to be the goof that he was until he fell asleep an hour later XD the only ones who slept over were me, goofy pants, and our other friend (who was a girl). We basically slept next to each other that night :)) 

I swear, the next morning is a morning I will never ever forget. It's because it was when I realized that I was hopelessly in love with him. I'll try not to go too into detail bc I don't want it to be long but I still might XD the girl left early the next morning, my guy friend was past out on the couch, so it was just me and the guy I liked, basically alone. We talked, watched Spongebob for some reason, we ate breakfast, drank coffee (he put pink nesquik into his coffee and insisted I try it but I said no because that's weird XD). He also asked me some personal questions for some reason like, if I had a boyfriend (nope..), if, as he put it, if I still had my "V-Card"? Okay, TMI, sorry >< when we sat in the living room on the floor, he looked at my legs and said that he thought girls with big calves were y (I have big calves..) so yeah... TMI again.. And I don't remember how but at some point I ended up massaging his back???? (BTW BEST EXPERIENCE EVER OMG I GOT TO TOUCH THE MUSCLES) I think I'll stop there... XD I can't help but think I'm making him come off as creepy.. Hahahaha I swear he's not creepy!! but I will say, for a moment, I actually thought that maybe, he actually liked me..

Anyways, when sophomore year came around, that's when things started to go bad for me with him. I was a sophomore, he was a senior. He was 18 and I was turning 16.

Okay now, here is the worst thing that happened in that year. Me, him, and some other friends, went to the Renaissance fair.  We all had fun and went back to the guy friend's house. I decided to walk home since I lived right down the street, and this guy decided to do the same (he lived on the other end). Everything seemed fine on the way, we laughed and talked (a little girl even thought I was his gf which was funny). My mom texted me that she wasn't home and I didn't have a key, so if I went home I'll be locked out until she got there (she was in a nearby town). When it came time for us to go in opposite directions, I told him that I was going to walk some more with him since I had nothing else to do then he immediately accused me of wanting to follow him home. I didn't think it was a big deal.. What he said to me is honestly something I'll never forget, I still remember it word for word. He looked me dead in the eye and said, "Listen to me. We're FRIENDS. And it's gonna stay that way." That broke my heart. I acted like I didn't care and said bye. As soon as I turned around to go home, I immediately started crying and I felt like I couldn't breathe. We kind of stopped talking often after that.

His knowledge of my existence flew out the window once he started dating this drug addict in my grade (now I know he didn't think I was too young for him bc look at that!). We just didn't talk anymore. Then he graduated, forgot all about me, and eventually broke up with the girl I've hated since middle school (she was always a to me). I saw him one time when I became a senior. I crossed paths with him at the local gym and we didn't say anything to each other. But when I passed him, he smiled. He still recognized my face when he saw it. I wasn't completely dead to him after all.

this post is getting WAY too long (4,000 words in counting...) so I'll just sum this up. He got a new girlfriend last year, and he seems happy with her. I thought I was finally over him. Now I realize I've just been lying to myself bc I'm not over him at all. I can't believe after all this time even though we haven't spoken to each other for about 4 years, my feelings are still torturing me. The reason it's all coming back to me is bc today I found out that his girlfriend is pregnant. He's going to be a dad. Again, it has nothing to do with me yet affects me so much. The worst part is that he doesn't care, doesn't know, and never will know. 

Was I too young for him? Too innocent? Too fat? Too nice? Not pretty enough? Was I too childlike for him? Why do I still care? All I'm doing is wasting my time. 

I thought I was over it. Turns out, I still manage to care..