/ticked this story as M again because selfharm and the languages and some scenes/

He locked himself in the toilet. He knew he shouldn’t do this. He knew he shouldn’t be bothered of what others are talking about him. He knew he shouldn’t torture himself. He knew someone is there for him – he knew Jackson is there for him. But this is too much. He doesn’t mind with others talking bad about him but dragging Jackson in his case is not funny. He doesn’t want Jackson to get involve with this – with him.

“I don’t get it why Jackson would waste his time on a like you,” a girl threw him a disgusted look. “Or I wonder that Jackson is a too?”

“Don’t call Jackson as a , !” another girl argued. “Jackson is too nice and innocent to be a like him.”

“But I wonder why,” the girl in front of him looks at him from up until down then her eyes goes up again. “Do you pay him?”

“I paid him?” Mark chuckled, bitterly. “What a ing joke.”

A ring from his phone startled him. He stared at the phone screen before answered the call.

“Hello, Mark?” Jackson’s voice rings in his ear. “Where are you? I just went down and saw your class is already empty.”

“I—“ Mark cleared his throat, his voice was hoarse. “I’m sorry. I already went back. I don’t feel really well.”

“You need me there?” Jackson asked, sounds really worried and that made Mark tears up. “I’ll be there in seconds.”

“No, no,” Mark shakes his head even though he knows the latter won’t see it. “I’m okay. I just need time to be alone.”

There were minutes of silence and Mark knew he was already ed things up. The truth is, he still doesn’t want to rely on Jackson even though Jackson already told him to rely on him whenever he’s having problems but he doesn’t want – he doesn’t want to get too attached and in fact, he’s already fallen for the latter and he knows there won’t be any way back to get from the start and how he wished he shouldn’t accept the latter’s help.

And sometimes he wonders why Jackson offered to help him on the first place. He wonders what Jackson sees in him when all he seen in himself is that he’s such a failure, and he shouldn’t live like this, or maybe he shouldn’t exist at all. He almost sobbed when he remembers that Jackson is still there, on the other line.

“Are things going hard on you?”

Jackson sounded so concern about him made he wanted to cry, so badly. He wiped his tears that were b in his eyes and coughed, clearing his throat before he replied Jackson by telling the latter that he is okay – he was just having a headache.

“Then,” there was a second of silence before Jackson continued, “You should get some sleep. Don’t think too much. I’ll come to drop by your house in the night and we can talk.”

“Sure,” Mark replied and he hung up after Jackson told him to take care of himself.

And he admitted that he loved it when Jackson takes a good care of him, and the way Jackson would massaged the back of his neck when they’re sitting together – and how Jackson’s hand felt so warm when they were hand in hand. He loved it – he loves the attentions that Jackson gave him.

But he knew he shouldn’t get too comfortable with Jackson’s attentions and he knew Jackson won’t always be there for him when things get hard. Yes, of course, things are still new to him and he still need some time to get comfortable with it but Jackson is making it became easier for him even though sometimes he still feels like wants to cut himself when things went really hard on him.

Like now.

He doesn’t know how or when he took out the scissors from his bag and he doesn’t know how and when the bloods started dripping out from his wrist. Looking at the plasters that he put it on his scars made he feels like he’s a ing pathetic. He pulls off the plasters from his arms, tears that were b in his eyes already rolling down on his cheeks.

“Just wanted to let you know, a guy like Jackson, he will leaves you, oh no I mean, Jackson will leaves a like you when he’s already bored with you,” the girl laughs evilly and that made him put his hand beside his ear in reflex. “Jackson was trying something new.”

But Jackson told him that he’s attached to him.

And Jackson told him that he’ll be there whenever he needs him.

And also, Jackson told him that he loves him when they were in his room, on the day where he came to meet his parents.

And they’ve kissed.

Does that didn’t mean anything?

With those thoughts, he brings up the scissors on his arm again and started to trace the scissors, deeper than usual and blood starts to dripping out from the cut. He doesn’t feel anything – his arm feels numb, he doesn’t cried out of pain, and instead he cries because he found how pathetic he is for cutting himself like this when the thoughts are winning over him.

He ing hates himself – he really does hates himself so much.

And half of his part in this time wanted Jackson’s presence with him – half of his part wanted to hear Jackson says “everything’s going to be okay”, half of his part wanted Jackson to embrace him in his warm hug, half of his part wanted to hear Jackson says “I’m always here for you”.

But he was the one who pushed Jackson away when Jackson wanted to get nearer to him.

He was the one who said he’s fine when he’s ing not fine at all.

#

That night, when Jackson said he would drop by, he meant it and now they’re in Mark’s room – Mark looking away, trying his best to avoid Jackson’s strong gaze on him – on his arms.

“Why did you?” Jackson asked, breaking the awkward and cold atmosphere around them.

No replies.

“Why you didn’t tell me the truth that things went hard on you and instead, you cut yourself?” Jackson asked, his tone sounded serious and the tears are b in Mark’s eyes.

No replies.

Jackson sighs, “I thought you’ve promised me that you won’t cut yourself anymore… but what are these, Mark?” Jackson asked again as he gestured towards the new scars that are still bleeding a bit on Mark’s milky arm.

There’s still no reply from the latter and Jackson sighed loudly.

“You know that I meant it when I said I’ll always be here for you, I’ll always be here when you need someone to talk but why don’t you open up to me? I don’t take you for granted, Mark. I wanted to see you happy. Just like I said before, cutting yourself won’t solve any problems. You need someone to let out what’s bothering you and I’m here, I’m here for you. I’ll always be here,” Jackson spoke softly and after few minutes of silence, he heard Mark sobbed. “I never take you for granted.”

And that made Mark sobbed even loudly, and Jackson knew what was happening.

“What did they said?” Jackson asked, his hand reaching the back of Mark’s neck, bringing his head down on his shoulder, massaging the back of the latter’s neck and the latter cries even more.

“T—they said you were trying something new,” Mark sobbed. “T—they said you will leave me after you get bored of me.”

“Is that actually what’s bothering you?”

Mark bit his lips – restraining himself from crying harder, “T—there were more b—but—“

“What but?”

“I—I don’t want to burden you,” Mark said, tears rolled down on his cheek before he brings up his hand and wiped the tears away and he heard Jackson sighed.

“You’re not burdening me, Mark. You’re not a burden to me and you’ll never be a burden to me. It was me who started all of these and I’ve promised to myself that I won’t leave you so I’m supposed to be with you through your ups and downs, through your recovery of depression and I’ll be with you till the end,” Jackson spoke, more to whispering since Mark is leaning on his shoulder and the latter seems has calmed a bit even though he’s still sobbing. Jackson stared down at the latter as his fingers caressed the latter’s hair before he leaned down and placed a kiss on the back of the latter’s neck – Mark shuddered at the sudden kiss on his neck and he froze.

“Please don’t hurts yourself anymore, Yi En,” Jackson mumbles as his lips stays still on the back of Mark’s neck – his hot breathes hitting the back of Mark’s neck as Mark slowly relax. “It’s hurting me. It’s really hurting me.”

The hand that stayed on the back of Mark’s neck now already found it place on Mark’s waist – Jackson wraps his arms around Mark’s waist, hugging him tightly as he mumbles “I’m sorry” against the back of the latter’s neck. Mark brought up his hands that were placed on his lap and places them on Jackson’s arm – tapping it softly as if he’s reassuring him and as if he’s telling him it’s supposed to be him who should apologize and not the latter.

They were already drowning in comfortable silence as Jackson embracing him into a warm hug before Mark asked, “Do you want to sleep over?”

“Gladly,” Jackson replied as he traced his lips along Mark neck before nuzzles his face in the crook of the latter’s neck. “Let’s call it a night.”