They say relationships always have “ups and downs”. That should have been a warning.

They say looking at the world through rose colored glasses isn’t healthy. That should have been a warning.

They say love isn’t always lovely. That, too, should have been a warning.

--

The white walls of the living room only added to the stacking silence. Chang Yewon sat down on the polished floor, her back against the sturdy foothold of the sofa, as she gazed into her half empty jug of green tea. The tea was bitter and cold, bland at the least. The television stood in front of her, durably built into the wall. She stared at the blank screen as she drained the last of her tea. She ran her fingers through her long, straightened dark golden brown hair as she sighed briefly. Her brown eyes narrowed and her brows furrowed in distress as she checked her phone for what seemed to be the 50^th time that evening. Of course, there was no call, no text- no nothing. She tossed her phone onto the sofa, stood up and plopped down onto the sofa, her long, slender legs extending over the other side. Yewon was taller than most girls, but nevertheless, she was the owner to a small, delicate frame. Her skin was a creamy shade of peach.

She suppressed a sigh and outstretched her hand, allowing her to fully see the beautiful promise ring that was a perfect fit around her ring finger. The ring was a gray miniature steel band with the flawless engraving of multiple sound waves. She remembered what Chanyeol had said to her when he had presented her with the ring on their 2^nd anniversary. He had pointed to each distinct sound wave and told her what each had represented: the sweet sound of her voice, the sound his heart made when he was around her, and what forever would sound like if it had a sound.

Before she knew it, her eyes had drawn shut, like curtains.

And that night, she dreamed for the first time in forever.

--

♪ Goodbyes after our frequent meet-ups
Repetition of broken hearts
I can’t find a purpose in these foolish feelings
A mistake with the mask of love
All the feelings are the same now
But in this moment, I want you to stay♪

She bobbed her head up and down nonchalantly as she cherished the music. She had never actually been in love- first grade didn’t count. Yet the song seemed so relatable, as if she had at least earned a bachelors in affection. Her ear buds hung loosely from both ears as she outstretched her hand, grabbing onto the slippery handle of the glass door. She stepped out, the straps of her backpack dangling unevenly on both shoulders. It was pouring hard, the rain beating down upon the weathered cement mercilessly. The center’s roof provided indecent shelter, but it was still something.

Yewon sighed quietly, her lips jutting into a pout- she wasn’t a big fan of the rain. The humid air seemed to make her lengthy pigtails weigh her down. Slightly irritated by the sudden downpour, she set her backpack down and dug around for the umbrella she had tossed in the bag that morning. Of course, it was nowhere to be found. She growled and cursed mentally. She would miss the bus home if she didn’t leave now. She had no intention of sleeping at the college prep center.

Then she heard a shy chuckle arise from behind her. She turned around and bumped into a sturdy chest instead. The male gazed down at her, a playful smirk pasted across his lips. He was- no doubt- a giant compared to Yewon. His hair was styled so his bangs covered most of his forehead. Yet, his light orange strands greatly complemented his handsome, rectangular face. She stared at him for a brief moment, her jaw slack with surprise. She didn’t recognize him, but his black and red uniform told her that they attended the same high school together. He outstretched a hand, as if offering her a handshake. She reached out hesitantly, still dazed to a degree. He laughed and reached into his bag, producing a large transparent umbrella. He opened the umbrella and raised it above both of their heads. Yewon, finally coming to her senses, murmured a soft ‘thank you’.

“Heading to the bus?” His voice was warm and gentle.

“Yeah.”

“Wouldn’t want you getting soaked.”

“Why not?” she prompted obnoxiously, gazing up at him with a devilish smile.

“Because I’m taking the same bus.”

“What?”

“And I’d rather not have it smell like fish,” he said the last part with a light hearted laugh.

♪ But in this moment, I want you to stay. ♪

The bus ride was drenched in silence. Although overcrowded with people who were also heading home after a long day, there wasn’t much chatter. Everyone was staring out the windows, appreciating the peacefulness of the rain. Yewon, too, was silent. She looked out the window stolidly, one hand supporting her by grabbing onto the hanging handle. Her expression was unreadable. It wasn’t quite sadness, nor was it happiness. It wasn’t anger either. Chanyeol stood next to her, his figure towering over hers as he simply held onto the back of an empty seat. He gazed at her warmly, his lips curled up into a small smile.    

Then his smile faded as his gaze landed on the man standing a few paces away from her. The man had his phone held in front of his face, directed towards Yewon; he was taking a picture of her. Extremely irritated, he shifted his position and placed an arm around Yewon, who broke her gaze away from the window and looked at him, clearly startled by the sudden contact. The man’s face fell as he slowly pocketed his phone, averted his gaze, and turned away, his head bowed low.

“What are you doing?” she questioned as she threw a pointed look at his arm, which was still wrapped snug around her small framed shoulders.

He withdrew from her immediately, his face flushed and mouth slightly agape as he struggled for an excuse.

“You were about to fall,” he replied, giving her a cheesy grin.

“Right,” she responded sarcastically, turning around to face the front of the bus.

It was her stop. The doors creaked open slowly, drenched in rain. She nodded at him and raised her hand in awkward wave.

“See you around,” she paused, “Chanyeol.” She smiled briefly.

She was halfway down the slippery steps when she felt a force pull her back. Chanyeol stood at the top of the steps, his long arm outstretched, grabbing her by the backpack.

“I’ll walk you home. It’s late.”

--

♪ Repetition of broken hearts
I can’t find a purpose in these foolish feelings
A mistake with the mask of love♪

She rubbed her eyes and murmured gibberish as she rolled over on the sofa, her arm numbly falling on top of her stomach. It had been a good dream. A dream that seemed to have been so long ago.

She awoke with a start at the sound of the keys turning in the lock. She furiously searched for her phone. She seized it and groaned to herself as she skimmed through the messages that Chanyeol had sent her while she was asleep. 20 messages, 5 missed calls. She placed the phone in the pocket of her baggy sweatpants and raced into her room, turning off the lights as she entered.

--

Finally managing to unlock the door, he stepped into Yewon’s apartment. He was greeted by an empty darkness. He checked the time on his phone and gave a troubled sigh as he cursed himself mentally. Placing the box on the kitchen countertop, he called her name out faintly. There was no response. He flipped on the lights and stood for a moment, letting his eyes readjust to the bright light. He headed towards her door and knocked three times. Knock knock knock; I’m sorry baby.

He opened the door slowly, a wave of guilt washing over him as he turned the knob. She was fast asleep, her chest heaving up and down rhythmically with each airy breath.

He spoke. “Yewon.” His tone was apologetic and heavy.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t celebrate today with you. I know I promised you. Something at work came up and they wouldn’t let me go see you.” He chuckled awkwardly, scratching the back of his head. “I’m terrible with apologies. But I’ll make it up to you. Yewon, I’m sorry. You know I love you. And happy birthday.”

He leaned over the sleeping figure and placed a small kiss upon her forehead. He picked up the blanket and placed it tenderly over her before leaving quietly.

Yewon’s favorite cake sat on the counter.

--

The next morning was dull and ordinary. She woke up, alone. Heading to the kitchen for a glass of water, she was unsurprised to see the box of cake lie atop the counter. It was the same procedure every year; he had always missed out on her birthday. She sighed in frustration and unwrapped the box, pulling out the vanilla custard cake. She stabbed the middle of the cake with a fork and proceeded to stuff , more out of grumpiness than hunger. What had it been this time? Was he out shooting another music video? Or was it another pictorial? Perhaps he was walking the runway now? She rolled her eyes and drowned a water bottle before heading back to her room to change into her work clothes.

Work was the same old. She had turned 21 yesterday, yet there was no change in her life, not even a subtle one. Yewon worked in a small pharmacy, beneficially serving the community with medicine and the sorts. She was not an official pharmacist, but she was on the road to be one. For now, she was the pharmacist’s assistant, or better known, a pharmacist technician. The day crawled by anciently, the clock’s hands seeming to never inch at all. Then, close to closing time, she got a call from Chanyeol.

His voice sounded tired, stressed. He had called to apologize to her about missing her birthday.

“Hey, babe.”

“Hey.”

“I’m sorry about yesterday.”

She gritted her teeth. She was fed up with his empty apologies.

“It’s okay.”

“I can make it up to you.”

“Can you make it up to me right now?”

“What?”

“I’m saying I want to see you.”

“Oh.”

There was a pause. Her face fell.

“Oh?” she asked, without emotion.

“Yeah, I can see you. Let me just ask my manager real quick.”

“Okay.”

Another pause.

“Where are you?”

“I’m getting off of work right now.”

“Okay, I’ll come pick you up.”

She smiled to herself, although the smile didn’t reach her eyes.

--

He was dressed spiffy. He sported a large, dark overcoat that reminded her of fall and black skinny jeans. His hair was gelled back neatly, this time a perfect ash grey color. He grinned at her as he led her out of the pharmacy and into his car. He sat in the driver’s seat, while she sat shotgun. He reached over and fastened her seatbelt for her. It was one of his many quirks.

“Well don’t you look absolutely stunning today, Chang Yewon,” he mused grandly, quickly pecking her on the cheek before starting the car.

“Look at you,” she returned the compliment with a light laugh.

“I missed you.”

She felt her breath catch in . The sudden confession made her feel nauseous. It was a strange feeling, for the phrase was common among lovers. Yet she was so defenseless when it came to it.

“I missed you too,” she replied lamely.

“It feels like I haven’t seen you in forever.”

A part of her ached. She wanted to hug him, kiss him, touch him. But he was so far away from her.

“Chanyeol, focus on driving.” She grimaced.

“Right. Haha, sorry.” He threw her a glance before looking back at the road.

The drive was spent in an awkward silence. Yewon had wanted to start a conversation, but she felt so out of place doing so. She hadn’t seen Chanyeol in nearly a week, but it felt more like a year.

He stopped in the parking lot of his apartment. He got out quickly and opened the car door for Yewon, placing a protective hand over her head to prevent her from hitting her head on the car ceiling as she got out.

--

“This is nice.”

Chanyeol murmured in agreement, his eyes focused on the enormous television screen in front of him. They were watching A Moment to Remember, a movie that they had both watched over and over together. It never got old. Her hand lay numbly in his.

“Chanyeol.”

He tore his eyes away from the screen and faced Yewon, worry etching his face immediately.

“Yewon.” Her name sounded more like a question.

“Let me see your face.” She giggled and cupped his face in her hands, bumping his nose with her own.

“Did you get more handsome or is it just me?”

“I actually did,” he retorted seriously before breaking out into a childish grin.

“And you- How do you get more beautiful each time I see you?” He asked sincerely, gazing directly into her amber brown eyes. His dark cafe eyes sparkled lovingly, and his lips were pulled into a heartwarming smile that made Yewon’s heart flutter.

“It’s been so long.” Yewon frowned for a moment before bursting into tears.

Chanyeol grimaced and braced himself. He knew what was going to come. Even after all these years, he was surprised she still had it in her.

“You idiot! You’re so dumb! Dumb, dumb, dumb!”

She wanted to scream loudly and punch him square in the face. She wanted to wipe that smile that seemed to mock her heart straight off of his face. She had actually missed this kind giant, the man whom she lovingly called hers. Yet she didn’t know seeing him up close would hurt so much. She felt as if she was suffocating and then she realized she was, pressed into a tight embrace. He patted her head gently as she cried into his chest, her tears soaking up his turtleneck.

“I’m sorry I’ve been gone so long.”

“I love you,” she sputtered suddenly. Her words were muffled, but Chanyeol heard them nonetheless.

“And I love you, love you, love you,” he sang the words with an affectionate smile.

She pulled away from his embrace, rubbing away furiously at the hot tears that continued to stream down her face.

“Promise?”

She held out her pinky finger and faced him with a pout.

“Promise.”

But instead of locking fingers, he pulled her close and locked lips with her.

The kiss was full of passion and unsaid apologies. It was physically and emotionally exhausting. Yewon had had so many words she wanted to tell him and had so many words she wanted to hear in return, but not anymore. He had stolen all of those words out of and replaced them with nothing but affection. She kissed him back eagerly, silently hoping that time would stop and that they would stay like this forever. Young and foolishly in love. He pulled away briefly, for a bout of air. She realized that his eyes were b with tears.

“Are you crying?” she giggled, unable to suppress her laughter. It seemed so ridiculous- all of the anger she had pent up inside her only moments before.

“Because I’m so lucky to have you,” he replied with a cheesy grin, blinking his tears away.  

“Oh hush.” She pulled him in for another kiss, automatically shutting him up. He didn’t object.

The night flew by.

♪ But in this moment, I want you to stay ♪

--

A month later

Yewon sat at the table, absentmindedly munching on a piece of toast. Her insides felt rotten and she still reeked of alcohol. She had had a dramatic episode last night, throwing up all over the restaurant table after draining her sixth bottle of soju. She had no idea how she had even gotten home in one piece. Her head throbbed with pain. The stale bread tasted like nothing. She took another bite and tossed it in the trash bin. She proceeded to drain her glass of almost expired orange juice and head into her room. She sat down in the middle of her bed, crossing her legs in a yoga position. Her head was absolutely blank, like a clean white chalkboard.

Then she began to cry. It was a sniffle at first. Then the iron wall around her heart shattered into fragile pieces as she leaned over, her entire body quaking as the tear storm ensued. Her tears were strangely reassuring. It was the first time she had cried since Chanyeol had left on his trip to China with EXO for promotional reasons. Her tears reminded her of the blatant fact that she was sadly human. That she had emotions, and that she had the ability to be wounded. She lay down and bore her eyes into the white ceiling, which seemed to pity her.

--

Chanyeol sat in the car, his shades completely masking his eyes, making him unreadable. The other members were chatting in an excited manner, except for Chanyeol, who stared at the dim screen of his phone in absolute silence.

“What are you looking at?” Kyungsoo inquired suddenly, inching closer to get a glance at the screen.

Chanyeol mumbled something and pocketed his phone. Kyungsoo shrugged and resumed talking with the other members. Chanyeol sighed and leaned back in his seat, facing the window. He raised his hand to the glass and grimaced as he came in contact with the abrupt coldness. His promise ring hung loosely around his finger. His heart hurt as he gazed at the ring, completely miserable. The sky was crying.

♪ Let’s not make promises, you never know when tomorrow comes ♪

--

Yewon wanted to end it all, she wanted everything to stop. She no longer wanted to hang onto the memories of him that seemed to be too good to be true; she no longer wanted to believe that he would come back to her. She wanted to, if possible, go back in time and make it so that they had never met. So that they had never shared an umbrella together under a depressed sky. Her eternal tears no longer seemed to relieve her of the suffocating feeling she couldn’t lift off of her chest. It was as if her heart had been torn to pieces and then shabbily glued back together. But the glue wasn’t holding- it was melting away and her heart was more broken than it had ever been.

She had entered this relationship with caution. She had known quite well of his dreams to become a singer; to become an idol that would be loved by thousands, even millions. She had also known quite well that if, his dreams did come true, that he would not be the perfect boyfriend. That he would be away, distant at times.

And when his dream did come true, she was nothing but a bundle of pure joy. And each time he couldn’t see her, couldn’t kiss her, she had reassured herself that it was fine. All that mattered was the fact that the man, whom she loved greatly, was pursuing his dream and that he was happy.

But now she realized that she couldn’t continue on with this relationship, with this one sided love. For it hurt far too much. Loving Chanyeol was like loving the ocean- sometimes it would be full of life, as the waves crashed against the soft, innocent sand, while other times it would be dead still, to the point where one would think the earth had finally stopped running in circles. And, unfortunately, she had finally learned that she couldn’t control the ocean. She couldn’t summon it at her liking, and she couldn’t fill it with love, nor could she expect it to love her back.

It was official. Yewon would move on. She would move on with her life and continue to be happy, no matter how fake that happiness was. Because when one fakes something for far too long, it becomes real. Chanyeol was no longer her fickle ocean; no longer her home.

She picked up her phone and messaged him.

♪ You’re always like that
Selfish bastard ♪

--

He picked up his phone, his heart thumping with anxiety as he realized it was from Yewon. Then his face fell as he read the message. The phone slipped out of his hands and numbly landed on the ground. Chanyeol was at a loss for words. The amount of guilt and loss was overwhelming- in fact, he could feel it strangling him. His eyes burned with tears as the realization hit him. Devastated, his legs gave in with the sudden shock as he tumbled onto his knees, searching blindly for his phone. He read the message over and over again, trying to convince himself that he read it wrong.

All of a sudden everything seemed useless to him. Being famous no longer had meaning. What was the point of being loved by millions when he couldn’t be loved by the one who truly meant everything to him? Everything was pointless- the photoshoots, the music videos, the singing, the rapping, the dancing, the dieting, the exercising. Everything seemed like a child’s play all of a sudden. He didn’t need it. What he needed was Yewon, the only person who was real to him. Without her, he felt like he was going to die. And he only realized it now. When it was too late.

Then he felt a hand on his shoulder. Chanyeol struggled to get up, pushing the hand away.

“Are you okay? Chanyeol, we have a shoot in 5 minutes. You can’t be like this,” Suho’s voice was stern yet laced with worry. He pulled out a handkerchief from his pocket and handed it to him.

Chanyeol mumbled an apology and wiped his tears away with his sleeve. Yet they kept coming, hot and relentless. His soul was crushed.

He excused himself to the bathroom. He gripped the sink to support himself as he vomited a dark substance into the sink. His only meal that day: coffee. His body shook with each tremor as he sat down against the cold marble wall of the bathroom. He buried his face in his hands and tried to regulate his breathing. The sadness was literally killing him.

After a good ten minutes, he managed to struggle to his feet. s had told the staff that he would reschedule his pictorial due to an unforeseen event. He knew what he had to do. He had to go to Yewon. And that was exactly what he did.

--

It was already nightfall. Time seemed almost timeless. The days were melting into one another, making life itself seem like nothing but a sad, repetitive blur. She stared at the phone without any particular expression. He had seen the message but had not replied. She switched the phone off and set it on the table. She flipped to the next page of her pharmaceutical manual and continued studying. Her head ached with a mild pain and was sore from all the crying. While she had been blindly in love, she had been letting far too many things slip away unnoticeably from her grasp. She ran her hand through her wispy strands as she glared at the small text, trying to memorize the new set of medicine. The content was hard to swallow. She flipped the page with a long sigh and skimmed through the page. She gave a bitter laugh. It was a page discussing pain medications. How ironic.

♪ Goodbyes after our frequent meet-ups
Repetition of broken hearts
I can’t find a purpose in these foolish feelings
A mistake with the mask of love
All the feelings are the same now ♪

--

He stood outside her apartment, only steps away from her front door. It was at that moment when he realized that he had no idea how he would make it up to her. How he would apologize, how he would win her back. He felt vulnerable and tiny. Yet alive.

♪ But I really mean it when I say I like you ♪

Still completely lacking a plan, he pressed the doorbell.

Love was full of surprises anyways. 

♪ But tonight, I want you to stay ♪