“Hmm, did you have Mihai dumplings for breakfast? I can taste it on you,” said Min Shuo, halting briefly, before diving in to shower me with a whole series of kisses.

My involuntarily extended trip to the land of Cathay had been strange, but this had to be the strangest thing of all: Here I was… being passionately kissed by a man who was the brother of the court lady whose identity I had assumed. And to make matters worse: I was quite able to process what was happening to me, but at the same time momentarily immobilized and unable to pull away.

It wasn’t even my first kiss!

On a grey day back in middle school I had been waiting at the bus stop together with a boy, who had been a Chinese exchange student in my class. And when the bus had come in sight he had simply leaned over and planted an awkward wet kiss on my lips and whispered that he had always liked me. A week later he returned to his home country and despite me… kind of… returning his feelings we didn’t talk at all neither during his last days nor at any point after.

The kisses I was being showered in now where quite different: Min Shuo knew what he was doing and it might have been pleasant had I not been completely stiffened by the shock of it all. I’m not sure for how long he tried to ravish my lips, but he, too, eventually noticed that something wasn’t right and desisted.

This didn’t improve the situation much for me, because he still had his face, which was now hot and red and exhibiting a broad smile, uncomfortably close to mine. I could feel my own face burn from all the unexpected intimacy. And my lips felt… pretty much on fire.

 I cursed the heavens that they had once again send me an arguably handsome young man, but made him… well, ethically untouchable.

“What’s wrong, my love?” asked Min Shuo, taking my right hand and gently rubbing his lips against it.

I had an urge to snatch my hand away from him, but I was still so thrown off guard, that I was unable to translate my decisions into actions.

I wondered if… somehow… this was a weird thing between brothers and sisters in Cathay and that maybe this wasn’t an uous relationship I had fallen right in the middle of… But the way that Min Shuo was now caressing my fingers – one after the other – made it plain obvious that… he and Chu Hua were lovers.

Having come to that scandalous conclusion, I could finally get a grip on myself and pull my hand away from Min Shuo. The smile on his face instantly faded and was replaced with mild anger. He leaned back and we stared at each other for a few seconds, during which I struggled to find words that would keep him at arms-length, while hiding well that I was not in fact Rong Chu Hua. Before I could find any, Min Shuo’s facial expression changed again and he began apologizing:

“I’m sorry, my love. It’s just that I haven’t seen you in such a long time. And you know that Lihwa and I – although we share a bed at night – could not be further removed from one another. She’s the ice that I have to endure for weeks on end and when I can visit you… well, you heal my frostbitten skin.”

He smiled again and reached out with his hand to my throat and chin of all places. This time I didn’t push his hands away, because my resistance had previously evidently irritated him a lot. I wasn’t sure how to proceed, all that I knew was that I could not take any more of his uous kisses – even though, technically, with me they weren’t uous, since him and me weren’t blood related. Also who was Lihwa… was he married? It sounded a lot like it!

I wasn’t sure what excuses would take effect, but I knew that I had to try:

“Brother,” I said, emphasizing the word maybe a little too much, because I could see Min Shuo flinch upon me using it, “I…I have been praying a lot… at the temple of Her Grace, the Great Goddess He Xiangu. And it has made me… evaluate some of my life choices.”

Min Shuo took his hand away from my chin, turned his head and let his gaze wander at the bright blue curtains surrounding us.

“I was worried this day would come,” said Min Shuo, still not looking at me, “I understand that the circumstances are difficult. And I understand you are taking an incredible risk meeting me like this… or like we used to.”

He turned his face towards me again and fixating his eyes on mine, added:

“I’m taking the same risk, you know. But it’s what keeps me going! The thought of you helps me through the day. The thought that I can hold your small hands again… it gives me life!”

No one had ever spoken to me like this. And although I knew I wasn’t the person whom these words were meant for – they still affected me. I felt genuinely sorry for the confused and increasingly sad looking man in front of me, whose life was so twisted that all he had was an uous love affair with his own sister. It reminded me of how I had questioned Chu Hua’s mental health and it alerted my instinct to help. I wanted to fix things and make them right. But how could I? I wasn’t meant to be here anyway. All that affection wasn’t meant to be lavished on me. It was meant for Chu Hua. And even for her it would do no good.

Min Shuo gave me a sad smile and when he reached for my hand with his own I let him. To my relief he didn’t start kissing it again, but instead just gave it a gentle squeeze. Meanwhile he continued to stare at me with an intensity I had never experienced before. I wondered what had happened that had bonded Chu Hua and her brother together in this tragic, yet utterly wrong way. I would probably never know. Yet this difficult and dangerous affair could explain why Chu Hua had been routinely escaping from Cathay…

I began wondering whether she truly loved Min Shuo back, but then reminded myself that I still had to deal with the mess of a man in front of me.

“Min Shuo,” I said, using his name for the first time, “I’m not saying we can’t see each other anymore. I…  I just think that you need to… well, give me some time to figure things out. I care about you, I do. But I have other duties to consider and my spiritual contemplations have made me question whether this is how it should be… between you and me.”

I gave Min Shuo an insecure smile, which he didn’t return. Instead his face turned rather cold.

“That is what you want,” he said, his tone a hint of icy.

I nodded and stopped smiling.

“Do you want me to give you some space, too?” he asked, now definitely colder than before.

“Just for today,” I said, “Until… I can make-up my mind,” I said, not sure whether I should be more authoritative or rather submissive, since I had no idea how Chu Hua behaved around Min Shuo.

Wordlessly Min Shuo let go of my hand, got up, pushed aside the blue curtains and sat down on one of the cushions on the other side of the curtain instead. Now I could get a good look at his entire frame for the first time: He was fairly tall, had broad shoulders and was wearing a long shirt-jacket tied with a sash and wide trousers – all in black. On his chest however was a silver embroidery in the shape of a bird, not unlike the one I had seen on the clothes of the head servant. His black hair was bound back in a tight knot on top of his head, like I had seen all men at the court wear so far. Although I could see Min Shuo well through the curtains, I could not read him: He had wiped his face empty of any expression.

“Let’s get to business then, shall we” he said, his tone now distant and formal.

I nodded and then reminded myself that he couldn’t see me so I said “Yes! Let’s begin!” out loud.

“There’s really only one important message that I have been asked to get to you in person,” Min Shuo began, “It concerns the Lady Rong Bo. She doesn’t live within the crown prince’s part of the palace, but the emperor’s and thus you will unlikely have been informed of the misfortune that has befallen her yet.”

I had no idea who Min Shuo was talking about and had half a mind to not listen at all, since I wouldn’t be acting on information he gave me now anyways. I had my escape planned after all, but then an uncomfortable feeling reminded me that I was already stuck in Cathay way longer than I had ever intended and that my escape might not be successfully on third attempt after all, which would force me to continue my life as Chu Hua for some more time.

“I fear the gracious lady is fatally ill. A court physician has been to see her and he reckons that she has a week at most. As a member of the Rong family and one of the few Rong ladies within the Inner Wall, it is your task to visit her during her last days and accompany her on her final journey. Additionally you will be the witness for our family to confirm that all funeral rituals have been carried out satisfactorily – since no one else of our family can be present.”

I wished for something to write everything down that Min Shuo was saying. What had the lady’s name been again? Rong Po? No, Rong Bo… And how the hell would I be able to tell whether the funeral rituals were carried out satisfactorily or not? I hoped they would just burn or bury her. These thoughts of mine were cruel, I realized. There was a woman dying after all. But I could not muster much sympathy for her yet, as I didn’t know her and was myself in quite the difficult and dangerous situation. I remembered vividly how the head servant had warned me that impersonators at the court were executed, if caught.

“I understand,” I said, trying to keep all the information safely in my head and concentrating hard to catch whatever Min Shuo would say next.

But Chu Hua’s brother had fallen silent again. He was also no longer staring at the curtain that I sat behind, but at the smooth stone floor that separated him and me. He looked a picture of misery and again my intuition was to comfort him somehow. Yet I knew that I couldn’t get intimate with him again in anyway. Although I wasn’t Chu Hua, I also couldn’t carry what she and Min Shuo had started here. I simply couldn’t stand for it!

I also couldn’t help but think how odd it was that Min Shuo hadn’t realized that I wasn’t his sister… and lover… after all! Surely something about me should have raised some suspicion… I knew I didn’t have the exact same facial expressions as Chu Hua. Now that I thought about it – even our voices were slightly different, weren’t they? Hers was just a hint rougher than mine. And surely we had to smell differently. I remembered distinctly that every guy I had ever felt secretly attracted to, had caught my attention initially or eventually by his smell, which had been extremely pleasant to me. Surely, Min Shuo would be able to tell the difference between Chu Hua’s smell and the smell of another woman!? But he hadn’t.

Maybe it was because I was wearing her clothes, her perfume and I had eaten the local food. Or maybe the fact that Chu Hua and Min Shuo only got to see each other on rare occasions, contributed to some momentary estrangement between the two, causing him not to be surprised over a slight change in hair-length or smell.

“Is there something else you came to tell me?” I asked Min Shuo, just to break the silence.

Min Shuo looked up and started staring at a point somewhere left of where my face really was behind the curtain. His eyes large and almost teary, he asked with a dead voice:

“How is Zhenzhen doing?”

Feverishly I tried to recall whether Chu Hua had mentioned a Zhenzhen to me or not. The magic – or whatever it was – that had helped me master the Cathanese language, told me now that Zhenzhen was a female name, but that was all that my memory would spell out for me. From the way Min Shuo was asking I assumed that he himself did not know how Zhenzhen was doing and wasn’t in contact with her. This meant that I could lie and get away with it for the time being. But again an uncomfortable wariness inside of me told me, that it was better to plan for a worst case scenario – one in which my planned escape failed. So I came up with a lie… that technically wasn’t one:

“I haven’t seen her lately,” I said. “I’m not sure how she is doing.”

The man sitting opposite of me slumped down even further. The expression on his face was now of outright pain. Zhenzhen had to be some important, I thought. Was she maybe another sister of him and Chu Hua? No, I distinctively remembered Chu Hua mentioning that she had several sisters, but none of them lived within the Inner Wall. A cousin maybe? Or an aunt? I decided to drive the conversation further – hoping that Min Shuo would give me some sort of hint as to Zhenzhen’s identity.

“I should visit her, shouldn’t I?” I asked out loud.

Min Shuo looked up at me. His expression was still one of pain, but his voice was steady when he spoke:

“Yes! Please do! It pains me that I’m not allowed to visit her,” he paused briefly, while clenching his fists, “It will be another ten years before I’ll be able to see her. Until then I rely on you to make sure that she isn’t neglected.”

It sounded like he was talking about another ill person. Or maybe a child? Someone fragile... Someone who needed to be taken care of...

My mind raced trying to make sense of everything, but before I could come to any further conclusions, Min Shuo had rearranged his facial features all over again and, while giving the bright blue curtains between us a very serious look, said:

“Also… I hate to do this, but I have to ask you once again to invigorate your efforts with the crown prince. I understand that court life hasn’t been easy for you, but your adjustment period has ended and the family is expecting you to make yourself a little more heard. Mother and father were so proud when they heard of your promotion from Yunü to Baolin, but that was at the end of last winter and we haven’t heard about any more advancement on your side since.”

By now Min Shuo wasn’t only clenching his fists, but positively digging his nails into his own hands. Something was making him angry and I still had trouble processing half of what he had said. What was a Yunü? What was a Baolin? They had to be some sort of ranks for court ladies, I deduced from context. Well, what had Chu Hua done to get promoted last time? And hence – what was I expected to do?

I stopped my thought process right there.

What was wrong with me? True, it might take some more time before I managed to return home, but that was my one and ultimate goal. I wasn’t here to fix Chu Hua’s life, end her uous relationship with her brother or advance her social standing! No, I was still Lee Jieun! In charge of Lee Jieun! Fighting and surviving for Lee Jieun! Me! Myself! And no one else!

“I will try,” I promised into the void.

I wouldn’t lift a finger to improve the life of the woman who had stolen my life and pushed me into hers. No way! I would do what I had to – to survive. But that’s where I’d draw the line.

Min Shuo seemed to have detected the insincerity in my voice, because he shook his head and put on a worried expression:

“I wish you didn’t have to. But do you really want to spend the rest of your life as a Baolin? You only have one room to yourself, don’t you? That is no way for a court lady to live for the rest of her life! Also if you manage to attain a higher rank, Chu Hua, you will get more freedom and more privileges. We… we can see each other more often then!”

Now Min Shuo had a small hopeful glimmer on his face. The man was really like a rainbow… I had seen him lewd, disappointed, sad, broken, angry and now hopeful. I did not know what to make of him or my situation in the least…

“No, I assure you, I will try. It’s why I spend so much time in prayer and quiet contemplation, you see. I need to gather myself and plan ahead. Of course I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in those tiny quarters. Surely not,” I lied.

I had found the quarters of Chu Hua to be quite luxurious and spacious. True, there was only one living room, one bedroom and one bathroom. But the space had probably been more than my and my mum’s flat back in Busan, which long ago we had shared with my dad. In South Korea an apartment of the size of Chu Hua’s quarters would have been seriously expensive – in a city like Seoul at least. Yet, apparently, there was a lot of room for improvement of one’s social standing. What I had felt were the rooms of a princess, where apparently not the best the Cathay palace had to offer.

Min Shuo kept the hopeful expression on his face and I found myself smiling at him – although I knew he couldn’t see me.

“You sad, handsome fool,” I thought, “If only I wasn’t – literally – in the shoes of your damn sister.”

Min Shuo must have detected the change in mood, because he got up and advanced towards the curtains, pushed them aside and knelt down in front of me once again.

“I want just one kiss before I go,” he said, his puppy eyes large and hopeful.

“I… Min Shuo…I…hey-!”

Min Shuo hadn’t waited for an answer, but instead just went ahead, wrapped his arms around me and smooched another kiss onto my lips. I struggled to get out of his tight grip, but he wouldn’t let me, once again planting a serious of kisses – not only on my mouth, but on my cheeks and neck, too.

Unfortunately he had my arms tightly trapped by his so that I couldn’t put my hands between myself and his greedy mouth. I wriggled in his arms, hoping he would let go, but he didn’t let up and instead made his grip even tighter, so that it was almost painful.

Then things started getting really uncomfortable and all the sympathy I had felt for him earlier faded away, because he started simultaneously whispering in my ear about how I surely must have missed him, too and letting his hands run down from my neck, over my chest and towards the area between my legs.

It was all too much. I was so desperate to get him off of me that I shouted “Stop!”, which echoed in the large room and quite possible was audible to someone standing outside.

Within a second Min Shuo had one of his hands over my mouth, was glaring at me angrily and then started whispering uncomfortably close to my face, so that his hot breath was constantly blowing against my face:

“Chu Hua, what the hell are you thinking!? There are guards outside! You know what happens if we get caught! What is wrong with you? I got Lihwa at home being cold to me; I can’t have you doing the same to me.”

I looked at him in fear. Yes, I was now actually scared of this man. He had been so sweet and concerned, whilst talking about the dying lady and the child Zhenzhen – or whoever she was. And he had been romantic with his analogy of ice and fire. But this was nothing short of ual assault! I had struggled right? I hadn’t consented? And yet, I had to remind myself that in his eyes I was his lady love, his fire, his Chu Hua. This was apparently something that Chu Hua would have tolerated… or would she have?

I dared not criticize Min Shuo, while he was holding me in his death grip. I felt scared and powerless and any attraction I might have felt towards him earlier had gone alongside my sympathy for him. There was something wrong with this man! Seriously wrong and all I wanted was to get as far away from him as possible!

“It’s my prayer hour,” I whispered with a shaky voice, “No men are allowed at the temple. And…”

“… and you have to be all spiritually pure, when you go there, huh?” said Min Shuo discontented, “No touch of a man in the hours before you enter? That sort of thing…”

He let out a short cold and ugly laugh, but to my immense relief he let go of me and got up.

“Farewell then, sis,” he said and without turning back once marched all the way to the end of the hall and exited through the heavy door, leaving me in a pool of confusion and fear.