It all started when their best days ended

Waking up seemed to be hard for Mark nowadays. Not that he’s having a hard time pulling himself off the comfy bed because of his insanely messed up sleeping patterns. What makes it hard for him was the painful truth that he’ll get to feel the pain again. His heart will be pierced again for the entire time that he’s awake. Today is going to be his first day at work as a junior accountant at a small bank located downtown. He should be excited, his heart should feel like it’s about to pop out of his ribcage and out through his tough chest. He should feel the rush, the strong adrenaline zipping within his blood and lingering around his nerves. The joy alongside with a light hint of fear is highly anticipated now. But sadly, Mark felt nothing but emptiness.

If only he could feel once again.

Mark would drink coffee every morning and consume it right away. For the sweltering sensation sipping within his lips and right to his tongue reminds him that he’s still alive, that his body is still responding with uncontrollable forces coming from visible matters. He headed out of his small apartment and was welcomed by a wave of cold air. At least his skin reacted on it. He ignored it at first, not putting much attention and time on irrelevant stuff. It’s a huge waste of seconds after all. Like every normal human would do, Mark locked the door, ensured the keys on his hand and his bag on his back. Bringing all the essentials with him is something that Mark will never forget. He once left a very important valuable behind and if he should describe how it felt, he can say that the pain was unbearable-beyond exaggeration.

His head was blank as he drove towards the place. Driving early in the morning is something that should be done carefully. A focused mind set is needed, the alertness of his senses has to be present. But Mark was just to numb to care right now. His eyes may be coordinating with his brain by now but there’s no guarantee on how this tandem would function smoothly. His mind was completely far from his place; far from the car, far from the traffic avenue, far far away. He was hitting the cranky roads with his lips formed into a straight line, with his eyes emptily laid on the sight before him. Those dry hands loosely hang around the leather covered string wheel. His grip can’t get any tighter cause it will only make him recall how tight he once held his pride.

His car stopped as he parked it on the farthest spot of the lot. Walking away and heading towards the office proper is nothing too extravagant. He can feel the sun light, the sharp smell of the city air buzzed him up and the awful feeling that he gets as his heel meets the hard sole of his shoe. He can see cars and their blinding tint as a small amount of light coming from above strikes their polished outer layer. His eyes would hurt because of the radiance, but there was a certain being that outshines every brilliant matter in this universe. Too bad, there’s no way Mark could see a glimpse of him for now. Not any time soon.

“Mark Tuan!” a voice coming from a certain direction made him stop from his tracks. The sound resonated in his head as he stood right there, still and sturdy. He was blankly looking forward, seeing a dull view of withering tall plants. It took him few more seconds to look at his sides. No one on his left yet he saw a person on his right. He can’t be wrong. It’s his best friend.

“You arrived early, bro!” he added with a cocky tone as he went closer to Mark. He was speechless as always. His face was emotionless and wry. Jackson knew how hard it is for Mark. He was there during his hard times and he tried everything to put back the smile that his friend once wore. But along the tiring, implausible and stressful road, he gave up. He realized that he is not the person who can bring back the happiness in Mark’s lips, the sparkles on his almond shaped eyes. He can never pull out the old Mark Tuan who was now caged in his new cocoon.

Jackson noticed that Mark smiled a little. He’s faking it again. Jackson thought. “I can’t be late. My boss slash best friend might get mad and as a newbie, i don’t want that to happen.” Mark declared as balls of sweat roll down his temple. Jackson chuckled, hoping that Mark will laugh along and luckily, he did yet its few decibels lower. At least he laughed. Jackson said in
his mind.

“Come on, I’ll tour you inside.”

His first day went well. This isn’t his first job anyway. He got a job right away after graduating college which was 3 years ago. He worked on a different bank before. His salary was bigger compared to this one and because of that he decided to leave alone- confident that he can stand all by himself. But as Jackson offered him a spot at the bank owned by the Wangs, Mark didn’t hesitated to accept. It’s a way of appreciating Jackson’s efforts throughout the years. And perhaps he needs someone to lean on during times like this; times when he can’t even handle himself. The could conclude by now that no, he can’t live alone for a long time.

He was trapped inside a labyrinth of sadness and agony. There’s no way of leaving and if ever a door to the outside world awaits somewhere within it, the key is in the hands of someone that he can’t even look at. That one person who means a lot to him yet he can’t even make a single move to make that person feel that special and loved. That one person who taught him the genuine and raw taste of loneliness, the complete meaning for incomplete, the different levels of pain. Mark feels so abandoned in every way. If he could just turn back time maybe he’s holding someone’s hand by now, sitting inside a coffee shop and listening to his lover’s stories. It was nostalgic to imagine scenes that were only plotted and played in your head. Too much use of imagination isn’t a good thing though.

Hours passed by. Mark wasn’t able to notice it. He was so immersed with his job that all his troubles seemed to hang up upon the farthest part of his brain. He assisted everyone with a subtle smile and Jackson can see it from a far. It makes him proud knowing that putting Mark in this position is a good idea.

But those smiles didn’t last for too long.

He was about to go home when Jackson dragged him hard. “Want to celebrate your first day?”

Mark raised his eyebrows. “Huh? It’s not a big accomplishment, Jacks. Nothing special.” he replied, mentally cursing his friend for holding his arm tightly. “Don’t worry, the beers are on me.”

And Mark wasn’t able to decline. A lonely man will never drop this once in a lifetime offer.

They went to their usual midnight whereabout; a beer house near Mark’s apartment. Jackson ordered a bucket, knowing that Mark needs much if it. As Mark gulped on the first bottle, Jackson knew that he’s been craving for release. “What can you say about your job?” he asked as a starter.

Mark took the second bottle and consuming the liquor as if its water. “Good. I had fun.” he commented with a grin as the fuzziness slowly eats his insides. “Fun?!” Jackson asked, refraining Mark from his actions. He shot a glare at his friend. “Yeah. I know it’s hard to believe but I don’t care about your ing opinion, okay?” Mark was almost done with the second and about to get his third. Jackson looked at him, feeling nothing aside from pity. “I’m…happy.”

“Why don’t you just talk to him?” And an awkward silence followed. Mark took a deep inhale and exhaled peacefully. The throbbing of his heart was too loud to set aside. He was close to the edge.

“You’ve been saying that for a thousand times and I’ve been answering the same ‘no’ every time.” Mark spoke, avoiding Jackson’s gaze. It was not a big deal for them if one uses foul language. They’re under the influence of alcohol so it’s considerable. Jackson nodded. It’s true. He’s suggesting the same thing to Mark ever since all the drama started but his friend, being a hard-headed man he is, keeps his words. Consistently saying the same word over the years.

Jackson noticed that Mark took a cigarette from his pocket. He lit it up and tucked it between his lips. Pathetic. “But if you really love someone, you’ll do everything to have them right? or at least make them feel that you cherish their existence.” Mark stayed silent, blowing a cloud of white smoke through his mouth. “Dude, you already wasted 6 years of your life and that’s because you’re not doing a single move to earn him back. Are you up to waste more?” Jackson added, desperate to ignite a small fire in the elder’s freezing heart. He’s hopeless and Jackson can see it. But he believes that somewhere inside Mark’s heart lies a broken chip of hope that only needs to be fixed to work again.

“I don’t know if i can give it a shot. I already gave up along ago.” Mark sadly replied. He was seriously burning down his first stick. He pressed its burning tip on a small porcelain ashtray. “I know you can do it, Mark.” Jackson encouraged. “And no, you didn’t gave up. You stopped hoping.”

“It’s all my fault.” Mark mumbled.
Jackson nodded. “I couldn’t agree more.”

“Mark! Wait for me! Let’s talk about this!”

Mark sighed as he stopped from walking and turned around. “Can you just leave, Jinyoung! Isn’t it clear that were done?!” he shouted with his fists tightly clenched. Jinyoung was standing few inches away, trembling and at the verge of crying.

Jinyoung felt a strong stab deepening in his heart. Those words were enough to make his world fall apart. “But…But Mark I can give you another chance! I’ll let you explain and…Mark please! Let’s fix this before it gets worse.” he begged with his shaky voice.

“The worst is happening now! Is it too difficult for you to understand that I don’t love you anymore?!” Mark was annoyed, no, extremely annoyed by the fact that Jinyoung shows no sign of surrendering. He doesnt want to spit more tormenting words but in this case, maybe he should step up his game.

The tension surrounding them both increases as the silence lasts longer. “No! You love me! You only cheated because…because you’re just tempted, right? Mark, you love me!”

“I loved you.”

That was when Jinyoung lost it. His heart felt like a set of firecrackers exploding from time to time. His entire body got numb and weak. And finally, all this stored tears gushed out of his soulful eyes. The pain was no longer tolerable. “Mark…W-Why… I don’t understand!”

Mark rolled his eyes and looked at Jinyoung as if he was a dreadful and disgusting creature. “Do I have to rub it in your face?! I don’t love you anymore! I’m even thankful that you found out that I’m cheating on you. At least breaking up with you is now easier.” he arrogantly mouthed without stuttering.

“Am I not good enough? I did everything to make you happy! I gave you all of me! I loved you so much that I forgot how loving myself felt like. You promised me that you’ll never leave! Please don’t do this to me, to us.” Tears were falling down continuously as he struggled to keep up his balance. Jinyoung knew that this is just a challenge for the both of them-that Mark would snap back to his senses and give their love another shot.

“You know what, the best thing for you to do now is to stay away from me and start living a life without me. I’m just a human and my feelings usually change. I’m done with you, Nyoung. I can’t love you anymore, okay?! ”

“I love you so much Mark! I can’t live without you. Please stay with me! I’ll do everything! If i have to start from the very beginning, I will! Just give us another chance.”

“Are you that cheap!? You’re forcing yourself to someone who clearly doesn’t want to be with you anymore!” Jinyoung’s heart crushed for the nth time. This is not the Mark that he loved, the Mark that he cherished through the years and the Mark he included in his future. It was painful all over. “You can handle yourself by now. You’re old enough! So be a man and accept the truth, Jinyoung! We’re over and that’s final.” Mark turned around, walking away and leaving Jinyoung like a crumpled tissue. It may seem informal but that’s how they ended.

Mark didn’t realize that he was crying until he felt cool droplets of water rolling down his cheek. It was normal. Remembering the said scene- how Jinyoung begged with his face all wet and flushed, how his words destroyed Jinyoung’s sanity and how high he raised himself during that exact time. For 6 years, he’s been battling out with the same terrible feeling. No matter how frequent he cries and break down, at the end of the day his heart would yearn for a kind of affection that he’ll never win back. They say we start realizing the real worth of a person once they’re gone; well its true. Regrets. He’s filled with regrets. “I can’t forgive myself.”

Jackson patted his back. “You should talk to him.” he advised. Mark wiped his tears with the back of his hand before pressing the cigarette down the ashtray. “You should ask for his forgiveness and maybe then you’ll be able to forgive yourself eventually.”

Mark’s eyes were clouded with much emotions yet his face remained dull. “Is it worth the try?” the muttered.

“Everything is worth it if it’s for a person you love.” Jackson answered.

Mark digested his friend’s words. He took another gulp on his ice cold beer. Now, his heart grew strong. He’ll be braver from now on. “He’s working in a dental clinic in Myeongdong. I saw him last week.” Jackson added. “For the last time, look for him and try to fix everything.”

Timing might falter at some point but there’s no way he would let this opportunity pass by just like what he did for the past years. He needs to step out of his cage and fight his fears. It’s for Jinyoung, the man that he loves.

“Give me the address of the dental clinic and find a person who can replace me in the bank this coming Friday.” Mark said, hopeful yet still terrified.

Jackson smiled. “Sure thing.”

a/n; im so sorry if it started with angst since ive been feeling quite angsty for the past days lol. thats all for now! till next time~ stay safe! love y'all ☺♥