Holy crow it been ages!!!

I wrote this while listening to Big Bang's If You, but it doesn't really follow the song. Just the sadness, and maybe the first message kind of plays into the lyrics. I wrote this with hunhan in mind, but really it can apply to any member and a member who left, or even other groups. It's up to you. I hope you guys like this! It's been a long time since I've been able to write properly. It feels good to get back into it!

 

Jay-Hun

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Tuesday 2:33 a.m.

Hi.

Are you still there? Do you hear my voice at night? When its quiet, and all you can think of is how to shut it up. How to sleep. How to function. I do. I wish I could take it all back, you know? Like if I hadn’t been such a jackass, you wouldn't have left. But then, you would have left anyways. My being a coward or a loser really had nothing to do with it.  Um. I guess that’s it. I still love you though. And if you come back, I wouldn't hold anything against you. I’d take you back. If you’d have me. I have to go now. I need to practice. Take care. Bye.

 

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Tuesday 4:57 p.m.

Hey.

I walked into a store today and saw something that reminded me of you. I bought it. Except I can’t look at it anymore, so it’s just sitting in the bag. We had a free day today. I went home. My mom asked about you. If we still talk. I didn’t know how to say that you stopped answering. That we don't talk anymore. That I still search for you on Instagram, just to make sure you look healthy. Or that I have to constantly clear my search history because I keep looking you up. So I lied and told her that we’re still close. She said to pass on her love. Someone just came in, so I’m going to talk to them. I hope you’re listening. Bye.

 

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Friday 1:28 p.m.

We won. It’s been hard without you, but we’ve been pulling through. I guess the fans haven’t really stopped loving us. I hope you’re doing well. Bye.

 

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Sunday 11:17 a.m.

I hate you.

 

 

I don’t. Not really. But I wish I did. So it would be easier. Easier to forget you and whatever we had. I wish I didn’t care. I wish I were more like you. But then, I don’t want to be like you. You are the most selfish, cold-hearted person I’ve ever met. Sometimes I wonder if you ever loved me at all. If whatever I thought we had was just that. Just my imagination. Something I made up. But what was I to you? A distraction? A good time? I want you to burn in hell. But I really just want to hold you again. For a little longer. So you won’t leave.

 

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Monday 1:56 a.m.

Hi.

I can’t sleep. I know I’m making things worse by calling you, but this has become really therapeutic for me. Kind of like a journal. I wanted to say sorry for the last message I left. I wasn’t in a very good place. My dad, he- he had a heart attack. He’s ok now. I was just- never mind. You’re not really listening anyway. I went to our favorite restaurant; you know the small one on the corner where the ajhumma who owns it liked to pinch your cheeks.  She said she wants you to come so that you can try a new dish she made. Something about it being just for you. I don’t think I’ll be going back anymore. I can’t keep lying to everyone about you. Hope you’re doing ok. Talk to you soon.

 

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Tuesday 4:19 a.m.

I loooooove you. Haha. Do you miss me? I miss you loads. I want to hug you. I want you to make everything better. Make it stop spinning. Why is the room moving so fast? I only drank a li-hic-a little bit. You make my heart...my hear- I don't feel so good.

Someone get him in the car. i don't want any pictures of this getting around.

Message deleted. 233 messages remaining.

 

Wednesday 8:47 p.m.

Hello.

 Wow. It’s been a long time. Almost eight months. I guess we’ve been pretty busy lately. And I…I’ve been getting better. At dealing with this. I wanted to let you know, that I’m moving on. I know that you’re still not listening but it feels good to vent. Anyway. I met someone. We’ve only been dating for a few weeks, but he’s, he’s amazing. He really cares about me. You know he didn't even know I was an idol? We just ran into each other at a club. I wasn't having a good day, and he was there. We talked and danced the whole night. It was kind of like a movie. And then he kept sending me things. Flowers, stuffed animals, chocolate, jewelry. He makes me feel really special. Hope you’re doing well.

 

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Friday 2:49 a.m.

He proposed. I can’t believe it. I’m so happy right now. Of course, I said yes. How could I have not? He’s the man of my dreams. Everything I could ever want. I always thought I’d be the one to pop the question, but I don’t think I could have imagined a better proposal. He came to the building, and I thought he was just dropping by for lunch. But then he came into the practice room and all the girls followed him in, singing. It was so cheesy, and my God, I was so red. I wish you could have seen it! I mean…is that insensitive? I don’t know. I heard about your relationships. The girls and guys, so I guess you must be fine. I hope you’re healthy. You know, I’m planning on surpri-

Message deleted. 12 messages remaining.

 

Thursday 5:23 p.m.

How do you know if someone is the “one”? I mean, Jay is perfect, sometimes he seems too perfect, but how do you know? Our relationship has been amazing. No fights. Great . We always find time for each other. But, it doesn't feel right. I love him, but I don't know. There’s something missing. We’re getting married in two weeks, and I haven’t been able to be alone with him without feeling uncomfortable. It’s just a pre-wedding jitters thing, right? You know, sometimes I wish you were there, just so I could get some advice. , sometime. Sometimes I just wish you were here. With me. In my arms. And that I’d never met him, so I wouldn't ever hurt him. I just… never mind. I hope you’re happy. Bye.

 

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Tuesday 3:45 p.m. Incoming call.

 

“Hello?” He whispers on the other end. I can do this, I convince myself. “Is it really you?”

 

“Don’t.” My voice comes out raw. A harsh whisper. “I heard them all. Please.” I can’t finish my sentence.

 

“Why didn’t you ever answer?”  His voice is strangled, like he’s holding back a sob.

 

“I was so, so scared. Don’t marry him. Oh god. Please.” I can’t say anymore. We both just stop, listening to the other cry. Cry tears we’d been denying ourselves for three years. All the things I couldn’t say to him pour through every wave of tears and his own painful cries assure me that he understands. “I love you,” I say after a while, and hang up, tears clouding my vision again.

 

My phone chimes.

 

One new message.

I’m coming.

 

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