14 years old.

 

Needless to say, my eating disorder got worse. But then it got better. And then it got worse again. It was up to the point where I had to sit out of dance because I was growing so weak. I couldn’t do the one thing I loved. 

 

“Youngji, you used to be my star student. Now you’re far behind, what happened? Do you want to share it with me? I may be of help.” My dance instructor asked. She looked at me worriedly. I stared into the mirror behind her and looked at myself. My hair was thin and dishevelled, my eyes were sunken in, my under eyes popped with a little blue and purple. My cheeks were sunken in, my lips were no longer the healthy red colour and I looked like I could be broken with just a kick or a squeeze. 

 

I was ugly.

 

Shocked, I shook my head and my instructor left with a sigh. Why hadn’t I noticed it until now? Is this why Sehun doesn’t like hanging out with me? I took my bags and brisk walked back home, my heart thumping erratically and perspiration trailing down my neck.

 

Without so much of a greeting, I left sprinting for my room and locked the door. I dumped my bags on the floor and locked myself in the bathroom.

 

I cried.

 

Tears streamed down my face in streams. My skin was so pale and translucent. My body was so skinny and frail. Why? I don’t remember how long I had cried for in the bathroom but I remembered what I did after I calmed down. I searched for sharps, anything sharp that could end my suffering.

 

Why did I allow everyone to change me into something like that?

 

I pulled out the blade from my pencil sharpener and with shaking hands, I dragged it across my wrist. The skin tore and red flowed out. I flinched.

 

What was I doing?

 

I threw my blade onto the ground and scrambled away from it. I held onto my head and tugged on my hair roots. I flailed around, trying to grab onto something. Part of that something was probably my sanity.

 

- - -

 

It continued on after that day. It continued for a month. And another month. And another month. And my thighs and wrists were littered with scars. Every time I looked at them, I would feel guilt, regret, sorrow, pain. Every single time. But I continued with it anyway. I didn’t know why.

 

“Youngji!” My heart missed a beat as I turned around and was enveloped in a warm, tight hug. His laughter rang in my ears and his scent was so strong, I almost collapsed. He smelled so good; a mix of apples and wood. While I on the other hand looked and probably smelled disgusting. Why did he want to hug me?

 

I pulled out of his hug and he looked at me in surprise. Hurt laced his eyes and he pursed hi