A/n: Well, I am back after a long and stressful break from writing. Work and University have kept me busy and stressed me out to no end! Had no time to write at all :(. So anyway, I apologise if this isn’t my best work but I was feeling free and creative since I have some days off now :).

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How many more times do I need to explain myself to you? Shouldn’t you have learnt by now that what I say and what I really mean are completely different things?

As I sit opposite him in the small café; I watch as he twists his thumbs on the table in front of him as he gazes – almost stares – out of the window to his left. I can feel how anxious we both are and how we are both trying so hard to simply ignore it.

‘Kibum’

I speak gently, almost so quietly that I wonder if the word even reached his ears – it did. He turns away from the window to face me, his eyes glazed over and still slightly puffy from tears. He doesn’t react right away but simply looks at me; stares at me so intently, just like he had at the world outside the window. I suddenly feel vulnerable and look away towards the small counter where people are working and laughing – feeling nothing but a carefree vibe and how much it contrasts to the atmosphere merely 6 metres away where I am currently sitting. As I chance a glance back at Kibum he finally speaks.

‘Jinki… I know I hurt you and I know that our relationship isn’t perfect, but I need you in my life; by my side and in my heart. Jinki, I couldn’t live without you … I am so sorry for everything and as I said before … I don’t mean the things that I say and do to you… I love you.’

After his speech he has a pleading and slightly glum look on his face, one that mirrors a person with deep regret and understanding.
As much as I feel like I should yell and shout at him, I can’t. I had done enough of that earlier today and all that is left is a calm sense of finally understanding something.

‘Kibum-ah’ I venture to speak; ‘I want you to know that I will always love you and I will never leave you … but I can’t be your lover … I can’t be your everything.’

I watch as his expression turns from one of hope to one of devastation. His eyes are shining with tears that he so desperately tries to hold back – I know he couldn’t speak if he tried, his heart feeling like it was in his throat and constricting his ability to speak or breathe properly; so I continue:

‘You told me that when you say one thing, you mean another. When you say hurtful things it’s only because you love me so much. You asked me to understand this – and I do Kibum. Recently though I have realised something that maybe I should have not ignored w