They had been so happy. From the moment Yunho saw Jaejoong and mistook him for a very beautiful girl and Jaejoong just giggled at his confusion, Yunho knew Jaejoong was something special. Jaejoong had the most beautiful voice, a talent to match his outer beauty, and Yunho fell more and more in love every time he witnessed Jaejoong’s perfection. Jaejoong seemed as intrigued by Yunho and in a closet in the SM trainee building, they fumbled through their first time kissing a boy. After that followed many firsts, a first date, a first “I love you,” a first couple ring, a first time together. Two teenage boys stumbled through their adolescent years while also dealing with homelessness, hunger, and constant pressure to be better than all the others. Their relationship made perfect sense to themselves although the elders would warn against it. They took care of each other; Jaejoong adored Yunho’s warm embrace that made him feel safe and Yunho loved the way Jaejoong took care of him, even making him food. They created an illusion of domesticity around themselves and forgot to deal with the real world in the shimmer of fantasy. So Jaejoong would spit insults at Yunho that exploited his deepest insecurities and Yunho would get so angry that he’d have to throw a fist into the drywall, but they always apologized afterwards. The picnics and the laughter and the love made up for the bad days.

After so many years training, finally their debut came and Yunho and Jaejoong were ecstatic to find they were put in the same group. They could still be together every day! Only, they hadn’t predicted the sheer insanity of their fans and suddenly Yunho and Jaejoong had to be so much more careful around each other. They thought they had been careful at least, until the fans came up with YunJae and the company decided to promote them as a couple. The line between fantasy and reality became blurred and it became difficult for Yunho and Jaejoong to tell when the other was being sincere and when it was just fanservice. The honeymoon phase had burned off long ago and each had thought they had seen the worst of the other, the selfishness of Jaejoong and the self-disregard of Yunho, but that was only the beginning. In their relationship built of duct tape and hormones, something had to change to make it work because they had been so happy. But both of the boys thought it should be the other to adapt. Yunho didn’t understand why Jaejoong couldn’t just go back to his younger, less guarded self, and Jaejoong couldn’t get why Yunho was so dedicated to something that was twisted from their original dream.

They had been so happy until they weren’t. And everything fell apart. When the pressure from the fans and the injustice from the company and the lack of sleep and food built up to extreme levels, the resulting explosion sent the two lovers reeling in different directions. Jaejoong couldn’t take the YunJae act anymore, despite their underlying relationship, and he wanted more time to live his life with his friends. More time to shop, drink, do drugs, and all the other things Yunho disproved of. Yunho thought then that they were too different to work. If Jaejoong wanted to leave for more money, then let him. There were screaming fights and silent treatments and hearts screaming out to each other because their mouths were too clamped shut by pride to speak any truth. But after weeks and months of raw pain, the decision was made and Yunho let Jaejoong leave him, taking two of his brothers and leaving one behind. Yunho was a loyal person and he would stick to his word even if it hurt him more than anything else.

~

It still hurts sometimes. Not all the time, but sometimes Yunho looks at an old picture or hears a JYJ song in a store and his heart aches all over again. His heart doesn’t ache for the group, or what DB5K used to be, no, that died long ago, but his heart aches for Jaejoong and Junsu and Yoochun. And Changmin. If he and Jaejoong had only held themselves together, or never gotten together in the first place, then Changmin would still have his three bandmates. Sometimes Yunho looks at Changmin and thinks that perhaps the split was good for Changmin because it matured him into the beautiful and confident man he is today. Yunho marvels at how Changmin has changed and can’t help the pride that rises in his chest whenever Changmin is around. But sometimes Yunho regrets. He regrets that they completely lost contact with the other three. He regrets that Changmin was forced to go through that ordeal plus the task of putting his broken soul back together afterwards. He regrets that Jaejoong and Yoochun went back to their bad drinking and smoking habits. But most importantly, he regrets Jaejoong.

The ‘if only’s kill Yunho when these thoughts enter his mind. If only he had never met Jaejoong, if only they had never fallen in love, if only they had been able to understand each other. Yunho doesn’t know which ‘if only’ he regrets the most but he does know that they all hurt. They prick his eyes until he has to close them at night to keep the tears from falling. Not every night, but some nights. Because Yunho has moved on; Jaejoong certainly has. They both have other lovers and friends and jobs to keep themselves busy. They don’t constantly mourn their relationship but they certainly haven’t forgotten. Yunho doesn’t forget when he opens his jewelry case to find their rings still buried at the bottom and Jaejoong doesn’t forget when he unconsciously makes Yunho’s favorite meals on special occasions. But Jaejoong has JYJ now and Yunho has TVXQ and they both have lives. Yunho enjoys his the same way he always has, by working his absolute hardest and not letting anyone down, including Changmin, Hojoon, and his fans. Jaejoong runs his life in an extremely different way then he used to; by doing whatever he wants. They are happy but that doesn’t stop them from dreaming.

~

They will meet at a cafe perhaps after their military service and catch up on everything that had happened in their lives like nothing had ever happened, like unretract-able words hadn’t been said. They will meet up for months, learning each other all over again and all the while, ignoring the real issues. Once everything has been said, all life events caught up on and all current world issues discussed, they will gently approach the topic. Maybe someone will apologize, maybe someone will cry, but they will talk and get everything out in the open. And they will forgive each other. After all the years apart, how could they do anything but forgive each other? They will laugh awkwardly and go to embrace before remembering themselves and then laugh awkwardly again with each hoping the other wants to give their relationship another chance. Because they have dated many people, both girls and guys, and no one has compared to the other. While Yunho tries to avoid eye contact, Jaejoong will deliberately catch his gaze and slowly lean in to kiss him. Yunho won’t stop him and Jaejoong will connect lips that have been apart for far too long. Yunho will pull Jaejoong into his lap so they can make out for long minutes until they decide to take their relationship slow. Slower than they’d like but faster than it seems, Yunho and Jaejoong will create a better life for themselves, learning from their first mistakes. They won’t fall back into their old routines but the same, old, powerful love will tie them together.

~

But these are only the dreams of Yunho and Jaejoong. Two men who can live without each other but don’t want to. Both have the means to make their dreams reality but the same old problems, pride and cowardice, stop them from acting. So, for now, they depend on dreams.

They will meet in the future. Maybe it’ll be in heaven. Maybe it’ll be as old men, or as married men. Or maybe it will be very soon. All that Yunho and Jaejoong are certain of, or at least that they dream of, is that they will be together again.

After all, they had been so happy.