POV: Sehun

Screams and flashing lights greet Sehun as he sets foot into the airport. After a harrowing flight, Sehun and his bandmates have finally arrived in Beijing, the first stop of their world tour. Security guards flock him and the rest of the band as they try to make their way through the throng of people without getting d. Thirty minutes later, they finally made it to the van, narrowly avoiding a few grabby fans in the process. Sehun sits next to Chen, who is currently in possession of Kai’s hat, and refuses to give it back. Kai is pouting and Chen just laughs and tosses the hat back to him. Sehun rolls his eyes and settles down for a nap, trying to not get ually harassed at the airport is a harrowing experience, and he has a show tonight.

Once they get to the hotel, they split off with their respective roommates and head to their rooms for some rest before they have to go. Sehun is sharing a room with Kai, who just happens to be the member he is closest with. As soon as the door swings open, the two boys make a beeline straight for the beds, not even bothering to change. After a few hours, to what Sehun seemed like minutes, it was time to leave for their soundcheck. On the way there, Sehun just wishes that his nap was longer. After Luhan left, Sehun was devastated, more than the rest of the members. Everyone eventually had gotten over it and tried to move on, but Sehun was still stuck, and he hasn’t been able to get himself unstuck.He tries to convince himself that it’s because Luhan was a close friend, but he knew that it was something else. Of course he understood and supported Luhan when he confided in Sehun and told him that he was leaving EXO, but it didn’t change the fact that Oh Sehun was madly in love with a man that was 1000 miles away from him.

The fact that Luhan wasn’t where Sehun was frustrated Sehun made him extremely irritable, and with a new comeback just three months after “Call Me Baby”, Sehun is exhausted. And it doesn’t help that Chanyeol and Baekhyun are being especially obnoxious today, yelling and joking around with each other. Even though he’s already getting a headache from the noise, he wishes that he could be making stupid jokes with them, and laughing like he used to. But when Luhan decided to leave, Sehun has been feeling a bit under the weather, but he can’t really explain why.

“Its because of our comeback, I’m just not used to the hectic schedule yet. I’ll get used to it soon” he tells himself.

But a small voice in the back of his head insists that it’s because Sehun still hasn’t gotten over Luhan, but he just chooses to ignore it.

    The concert is a blur of screaming fans and stressful costume changes, and Sehun is on his toes for the entire four hours. The rush doesn’t fade til they’re halfway to the hotel, and Sehun remembers why he loves being in EXO so much, he remembers how much he loved performing next to his best friends. Feeling better than before, Sehun laughs along with the rest of his bandmates, and even cracks a few stupid jokes of his own.

“Well, it can only get better from here..” Sehun thinks happily, but a heavy feeling at the bottom of his stomach tells him otherwise.

After a very, very late dinner, Sehun decides to take a walk. He explores the city and takes in the sights, wandering aimlessly for over half an hour. He’s so absorbed with the hustle and bustle of the city, he forgets that there are other people on the sidewalk and collides into someone, sending them both tumbling to the ground.

“I-I’m so sorry! Are you okay?” Sehun tries to stutter in broken Chinese.

“I’m fine don’t worry about i-”

Sehun hears a sharp gasp, and looks up to see a blonde-haired, doe-eyed boy who Sehun hasn’t seen in eight months.

“L-L-Luhan?!” He exclaims, his heart jumping into his throat.

“Se-Sehunnie! How are you! It’s been awhile since I….” Luhan’s voice trailed off, afraid to address the elephant in the room.

“Since you left. Yeah it has, hasn’t it?” Sehun said, trying to make the atmosphere more comfortable.
“Yeah….yeah since I left. Want to go grab some bubble tea and catch up? I mean you don’t have to, I know that you’re probably super busy with your new comeback, and I love the song by the way, it’s really good, and yeah, but you don’t have to come with me I mean I’ll under-”

Luhan’s awkward ramble is cut off with a chuckle, and Sehun grabs Luhan by the arm and guides him to the nearest bubble tea shop. After getting their drinks, they head off to a small park and sit down at a bench. At first, the conversation seems very forceful, but after a few minutes, the two boys pick up right where they left off, Luhan asking about EXO and the boys, and Sehun asking about Luhan’s new life. While Luhan rambles on and on about who knows what, Sehun stares at him and admires how beautiful he is, and how much happier he looks. His face is full of life, and he doesn’t have those horrible purple bags under his eyes anymore. It warms Sehun’s heart to see his hyung so happy and carefree, and he finds himself smiling more in that one hour than he has in the past few weeks.

“Sehunnie…”

Sehun raises his head to looks at Luhan, who is blushing and biting his lip.

“What is it hyung? Is everything okay?” Sehun asks worriedly.

“Nothing is wrong...it’s just that I missed you a lot. I mean I miss everyone, but I really, really, really missed you…” Luhan trails off and looks out the window, sipping his bubble tea with beet red cheeks.

Sehun smiles, “I really missed you too hyung. EXO isn’t the same without you, but I’m glad that you’re feeling better and that you’re happy now.”

Tears well in Luhan’s eyes and Sehun is taken back by his reaction.

“Hyung, what’s wrong?! Why are you crying?! Did I say something wrong?!” Sehun asks frantically, trying to verbally stem Luhan’s flow of tears.

“No, no that’s not it. I’m just… I’m so touched that you don’t feel resentful. I know leaving EXO hurt a lot of people and I didn’t mean to hurt anyone, but I just had to do it. I know it was hard on you guys, especially since Kris also left, and I’m really sorry. I just assumed you all hated me after I moved out, so I didn’t make any effort to stay in touch, since I thought you were better off without me.”
 

Sehun swallows a lump in his throat and tries to formulate a response to Luhan’s sudden confession, “Hyung, I could never hate you. Even if I tried I could never bring myself to feel that way because … I love you.”

“You…..you love me?” Luhan asked, eyes widening

Realizing his fatal mistake, Sehun tries to save himself from the inevitable embarrassment and rejection that was to come.

“I...uh………….um…….I mean…….like………..” Sehun stuttered, unable to form words.

Luhan smiled, and gently placed his lips on a very flustered Sehuns lips. Sehun was gonna be honest, it took him a while before he realized what was happening. He was still trying to explain to Luhan what he meant when he felt something warm and soft on his mouth. Taken aback, he sat there frozen, when it hit him. Luhan was kissing him. He immediately reciprocated the kiss. This was it. There is no coming back from this. Sehun knows that there isn’t going to be a normal without Luhan in him life in some way, shape or form, and he knows that he should just stop and run while he has the chance, but his body is rooted in his chair, and he can only focus on Luhan. Luhan pulled away smiling sheepishly, and looked at Sehun.

“I love you too, Sehunnie. I’ve always loved you, and it hurt me the most leaving EXO, knowing that I had to leave you too. I almost stayed, I was almost willing to endure everything that the company put my way, just for you...but I couldn’t. I was selfish, and I didn’t think of anyone else but myself Sehun. I love you so so much, but back then, I didn’t love you enough to stay. But distance makes the heart grow fonder right?” Luhan chuckled bitterly, clearly upset.

“Hyung… don’t worry about me. I will be fine, we can make this work. Don’t worry I’m not mad at you for leaving. I understand.”

“You’re too good for me Sehun, I don’t deserve your love. We can’t be together. Do you know how much it hurts me, knowing that you love me maybe just even half as much as I love you, but I can’t be with you?”

Then reality hits Sehun. He realizes that whatever they have, will only last as long as Sehun is in China. He feels his heart clench in his chest, and the tears fighting to escape his eyes. He and Luhan can never be what Sehun had wanted for so long. It was impossible, his schedule hardly gave him any free time, and when he had any spare time, it wasn’t nearly enough to fly to China and spend it with Luhan. Tonight would be the only time that he would get to see Luhan, because Sehun didn’t know when he would ever get to return to China. He chokes, and looks at Luhan, who has streams of tears flowing down his face. He pulls Luhan into his arms, and holds him as silent sobs wrack his body.

“Sehunnie… you’re making this worse. I can’t do this to you.” Luhan says, pushing Sehun away

“Luhan do what? You aren’t doing anything to me!” Sehun exclaims

“Yes I am! I’m hurting you, I’m hurting you more than I did before. I thought when I left, these feelings would eventually go away, but they haven’t. They haven’t gone away, and I don’t know what to do with them, but I can’t just dump them onto you. I can’t be that selfish and drag you into my pain can I? I hurt everyday, knowing that you’re so far from me, but you, you didn’t have to. I thought...maybe eventually you would forget, and move on with your life, and then, maybe then I could too. But I guess the world just wants to with me, by throwing you into my path today.” Luhan sobs, with tears streaming freely from his face.

“Please don’t cry Luhan, it’s ok. I want to share your pain, I don’t want you to hurt. I’m willing to do anything if that means you won’t hurt anymore, I promise.” Sehun begs, trying to reason with Luhan

“Will you? Will you really? Are you willing to leave EXO? Are you willing to do what I did, and leave for my own self benefit? Just get up and walk away without giving a damn about how others felt, just thinking about myself and how miserable I was, and how much I was hurting because you weren’t here with me, sharing my happiness, thinking that you were equally as miserable as me, and that you were willing to leave EXO just for me. Are you Sehun? Can you leave EXO for me?” Luhan snaps at him.

Sehun feels as if he’s been doused with ice cold water. Leave EXO? Those two words have never crossed his mind. As taxing as it was, EXO was the best thing that has ever happened to him. He loves spending time with the people who went through the same struggles he did, who were with him every step of the way on their climb to success. He would never be able to give them up. They are his family, his lifeline, all that he has. What would he do without them? He started his training when he was 12. EXO is his life, it’s all that he’s ever known. Even though Chanyeol is too loud and obnoxious, and Baekhyun sings at four in the morning, and Kai leaves his everywhere, Sehun can’t imagine a life without them. But now that he knows Luhan loves him, can he live a life without Luhan?

“Luhan, you...you can’t ask me to do that. I can’t” Sehun admits, totally defeated.

“I knew it. I knew you couldn’t. I guess you don’t love me enough to leave. Isn’t that ironic? I couldn’t stay for you, and now you won’t leave for me.” Luhan spits, clearly upset.

“Luhan...why are you being like this? Why can’t you be more understanding?” Sehun pleads, his heart splintering into pieces with every word Luhan shoots at him.

“I understand Sehun. I understand that you aren’t willing to make sacrifices.” Luhan says, standing up, obviously getting ready to leave.

Sehun can’t believe what he’s hearing, Luhan sure had some nerve to say that to him.

“And what about you? You even said it yourself, you couldn’t stay to be with me, because it was hurting your health. Right!? And I understood, and I let you go, despite how much I wanted you to stay. I put you ahead of myself, because I wanted what's best for you. But you’ve never thought like that have you?  You’ve always just thought about yourself, you’re asking me to put my dreams and aspirations behind, just to be with you? I can’t do that. And that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. Because I love you so much I’m willing to watch you walk away, just so you can be happy. But do you not love me enough to let me chase my dreams? Are you willing to hurt me, just so you can be whole? Because if I leave, I will hurt. Are you willing to hurt me again just for your own well being?”

Luhan looked at him with hurt eyes for a moment, then got up and walked away. With every step he took away from Sehun, he took a piece of his heart away from him. Just like the last few grains of sand had slipped through the hourglass of the time they had together, Luhan slipped through Sehuns grasp, and walked out of his life, forever. Heartbroken, Sehun walks back to the hotel, the first few rays of dawn peaking out through the buildings. He silently slips into the hotel room he shared with Kai, and started gathering his things. He figures that he’ll just sleep on the plane, since he stayed up all night with Luhan. ...Luhan…. Sehun’s heart breaks a little more, just when he thought that it was broken beyond repair.