Dear Sweetheart (if it is ever still okay to call you that now),

Hi. It’s me remember? That girl with the long dark hair, denim backpack? Well, she’s here and she’s writing this letter to you. I’ll be blunt about this for your sake and my own; Oh Sehun you broke my heart.

I liked the idea of being your girlfriend. Partially because of the fact that I was more or less recognised in this hellhole we call a school, and partially because it had a wonderful ring to it. You had just gotten out of a three-month relationship when you asked if I was single. I can recall this feeling of tingling anticipation when you asked me. And when I responded meekly with my timid ‘yes’ a smile etched itself on your face. I had never seen anything so vibrant and beautiful before up close. Forget the constellations, forget sunsets. Just the sight of your happiness was enough to transfix me. Me, little Jinri with her average little life and her less than average romantic experience.

From that moment onwards, I don’t think you have had any idea what kind of effect you had on me. You had grabbed my hand and allowed me to see your world. Banana milk on Tuesdays and a late night movie every Friday. You gave me all of these mundane experiences which I coated with sugar and called romance. Because it wasn’t about getting my a dozen roses or calling me every night to profess your never-ending love. It was the very sentiment that you would bother to be around and create this normalised routine with me in your life. In those first few weeks I don’t think I’ve ever experienced such a whirlwind of pure affection. It was my privilege to be your girlfriend.

Do you remember when we went to the Han River during spring? I had checked the forecast twice the night before but the clouds kept looming and the thunder above was foreboding. That incessant grumble from the sky adumbrated our inevitable downfall. I just wish I had read the signs. You faltered whenever I spoke of the future. You hesitated when I leaned in for a kiss. And when the heavens began to shower us with their tears, you didn’t shelter me with your jacket. And yes, that is a superficial thing for me to want. To want you to sacrifice your clothing for me just from a little bit of rain. Water can’t hurt me but your cold shoulder can. Whatever, the jacket isn’t important. What is important is the fact that I knew then that you had fallen out of love with me and I couldn’t do anything about it other than offer you another date at the library. I was being hopeful. You used to call my optimism my most admirable trait. Now look at me. I’m just naïve.

You broke up with me five days after that. The most upsetting thing about that time was not that you severed our relationship, but that you did it whilst acting as if you still cared for me. Jinri, you’re wonderful. Jinri, you’re the most compassionate person I know. Jinri, Jinri, Jinri! I hate it now. I hate it when you say my name because it just reminds me of how incompetent I am! I couldn’t be the girl you could keep loving and that’s the hardest thing for me to admit. If Oh Sehun didn't love me, how was I meant to go on? The kindest boy in the school had discarded me like a tattered toy but he still had the audacity to say that I’d always have a special place in his heart?! You don’t get it. You thought you were comforting me but you were making it worse because it all just started hurting everywhere. That’s what you don’t understand. If I was as amazing as you said, why did you leave me? Why didn’t you stay?

After you left me I was scared. Terrified actually. Mainly by the fact that I may never find another boy who could trace tender lines across my back and compress me with a waffle iron embrace. I don’t think anyone will be able to love me again. Not like the way you did. I’m terrified at the idea that all I am now is the shadow of Oh Sehun. I walked with you in the warmth of the sun for a while, but now I trail behind as one of your many failed lovers in the darkness.

I still don’t know what I’m trying to say in this letter. I’m not trying to purposely antagonise you. I just never had the chance to tell you how I sincerely feel. You said we would still talk but you were too eager to dash out of my life and into another girl’s. I hate you for what you have done, but I still love you for who you are. Yes, you did break my heart. But you gave me life and I guess that is something I have to be thankful for; those ephemeral memories.

Goodbye,

Choi Jinri.