I remember how cold your hands were, it never really mattered how long I held them in mine, they would still always feel like ice melting through my fingertips. Your hair had lost its shine, your skin had lost its glow, and your beautiful hazel eyes no longer opened for me to get lost in, but I also remember none of that ever stopping me from coming to see you.

 

I’d sit by you and run my fingers through your hair because I knew you how much you  liked it, and on the days where I felt like I wouldn't cry, I  remember leaning down to place soft kisses on your cheeks. Even though your face was always cold too.

 

When you first lost consciousness, I’d visit after practice. The hospital staff would always tell me that you could hear me and that talking to you might get a few responses here and there. Finger twitches, eyelid flutters, occasional smiles, any little sign of life made my heart flutter and I remember giving you my life’s play by play every single night.

 

Your fingers would twitch and I’d imagine that to be your thumb rubbing circles over the back of my hand to reassure me that I was doing my best, and when your eyelids would flutter, I could almost picture your eyes gazing into mine. My favorite however, was when the corners of your mouth would twitch up into a smile, just like it used to do whenever I’d make you blush. I remember how much joy these tiny moments brought me even when I knew what was inevitably coming.

 

“Jiyong?” Your voice was weak, a sound just above a whisper the morning that you called the dorm, “Jiyong, are you there? Oppa...can you hear me?” I was so stunned, so overjoyed, so lost in the thought of us actually having a chance at a life together that I nearly forgot to answer.

 

“Nari! Yes, I can hear you Nari...I - It’s so good to hear you.”

 

“Oppa… I know you have practice today but-”

 

“You know?” I was nearly jumping up and down at that point. I had’nt told you anything about rehearsals before you had slipped into the coma and hearing you mention my schedule meant you really had been able to hear me all along.

 

“Of course.” I could hear the smile in your voice, it was weak, but I knew in my heart it was there. “ Do you think you’d be able to visit me today? Would your manager understand if you skipped it for just one day? I know how important this all is to you, but I j-”

 

“Baby.” I interrupted, smiling like an idiot as I imagined you being flustered, desperate to backtrack and put my needs before your own like you had always tried to do, “ I’ll make him understand. I’ll be there soon.”

 

I don’t think I had ever changed so quickly before. I can almost see myself bolting out of the dorm room in an inconspicuous hoodie and a pair of ripped jeans, not that staying hidden was a problem back then, not like it is now at least. The minutes that passed from that point all seem so trivial now, the time I took to send Youngbae a text to make sure our manager wouldn't go snooping around for me, the decision I made to take the stairs instead of the elevator, the infinite amount of seconds I wasted looking through the halls for your family, all of it unknowing adding up to a missed opportunity.

 

“Jiyong, you made it.” You called out quietly when I walked through the doorway of your room, eyes alight with excitement. Even in your most fragile state I could read your eyes so clearly, God how I had missed those magnificent eyes.

 

“Of course I did, I told you I would!” I  had said, turning away for a split second to pull a chair up to your bedside.

 

“Jiyong...Come lay with me?”

 

“Are you sure? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

 

“It’s okay, I can’t feel anything anymore.” I laughed lightly, and you smiled right back at me as I slipped into the small space beside you on the uncomfortable hospital bed, slinging my arm around your waist. You had never been a small girl, not that I ever wanted you to be, you had always been the epitome of perfection to me, but in that very moment the toll your ailments had taken on you were painfully obvious.

 

“Where is everyone? I expected to see a huge celebration in your honor.” I joked, looking back I’m not sure if I was joking because I wanted to hear you laugh, or because deep down I knew that this laugh could be the last I hear.

 

“You’re the only one I called.”

 

“Are you surprising your parents?”

 

“Jiyong…” You didn't have to say it, I didn’t want you to say it, but you did because we both knew I needed it, “ This is something called a second wind...it happens to people who are about too-”

 

“I don’t want to hear this.”

 

“Oppa...you need too. I’m ready, Jiyong.” Your voice broke along with the heart still beating in my chest. “ You’re the only one who hasn't let go.”

 

“ Nari… I need you.”

 

“You’ve never needed anyone, you’ve always been wonderful all on your own.”

“Please don’t do this to me. You’re not ready, you’re just...You’re delirious, you’re going to recover and we’re going to move past this, I swear.”

 

“Jiyong I-”

 

“Enough!” I could feel my arms tighten around you as if though you’d physically dissipate from existence in that very moment.

 

I regret interrupting you so often that day. I regret not taking every chance I had to listen to that melodic voice, but at the time I had been so angry, so hurt, so damn stuck on my denial of what had become our reality. I remember all of those feelings, but I also remember how quickly they vanished when I felt your delicate fingers fight their way between mine, squeezing my hand in yours with every ounce of strength you could muster.

 

“Do you remember how we first met?” You laid your head against mine and closed your eyes, our memories running through your head like an airy dream. “ You were in the bathroom, mumbling to yourself like a mad man.”

 

“ I was writing a song.” I countered, moving ever so slightly to lean my head against your chest and listen to your heartbeat. “ It was a rap part, and I couldn't get it right until -”

 

“Until?” you disrupted with a soft laugh, a laugh that to this day could be marked as the loveliest sound to ever grace my ears.

 

“Until you came in and listened to my song. You didn’t even say anything...it was just like you being there made everything click for me.” I couldn't help but smile. The memory, your laughter, our fingers interlaced the way they were? Everything seemed so peaceful.

 

“We’ve always had your music, Jiyong.”

 

“That’s more then enough of a reason for you to stay, Nari. Don’t die Nari, I need you...Please, please don’t die.” My voice was trembling and my body curled against yours tightly as I started to break down, even now I’m not sure if you felt it, I never asked you. If you had felt any of it though, I pray it translated into just how powerful my love for you was.

 

“Baby...you know I can’t.” It wasn’t fair, not a single ing thing about it was fair. “ My body is shutting down Jiyong, I can feel it, the doctors know it, I’m already dead to my family...Everyone has told me that it's okay to let go, except for you.”

 

“Because it’s not okay! Because if you go...who will listen to me then?” I was choking on my words, suffocating on my own selfish desire to keep you to myself despite knowing that life from a hospital bed was not living at all.

 

“I’ll listen to you, just like I always have.”

 

“Nari, don’t patronize me, I’m not a child.”

 

“ I listened to you while I was in that coma didn’t I?” I didn't have to look at you to know that you were smiling, as kind and caring as you were, you had always derived such pleasure from being right. I remember you once told me it was because of your zodiac sign, I also remember telling you that you were full of .

 

“This is different.”

 

“How so?”

 

“Death isn't something you’ll ever have a chance to wake up from to prove that you’ve heard what I’ve said.” I was crying by then, you knew it but you also knew better than to point it out.

 

“I can find a way to prove it to you.” You paused like you were waiting for me to say something but I stayed quiet, I felt too small to speak. I felt fragile, almost as if I was the one lying on my death bed. “Whenever your music plays...In the headphones of your fans, through the speakers of cars around the world when radio stations play your voice over the airways, when the crowd sings along with you under the glistening of the concert lights, I’ll be listening.”

 

“What if I can't write anymore without you?”  Whenever I look back on this sentence I have to cringe. Such childish words were spilling from my throat, ruining our last moments together.

 

“That’s how I’ll prove I’m listening.” Another harmonic laugh, a sad one but harmonic none the less. “ Whenever inspiration strikes you, know that it means I’m there Jiyong, listening to your every word until another muse comes your way.”

 

“There won’t be another muse. No one can replace you.”

 

“Then I guess I’ll always be around to listen.” Your heartbeat was slowing down and your fingers were slowly loosening around mine. It was like watching sand sift through an hourglass, slowly but deliberately. “ Oppa...I’m very tired now though.”

 

“I know.” I whispered and for the first time in the hour that I had been laying beside you I lifted my head up to look into your eyes. They were glazed over and tired but I could still see life in them, patiently waiting for my permission to close for one last time. “Do you have time to hear one more thing before you fall asleep?”

 

“I have an infinite amount of time for you.”

 

“I love you, Nari. I love you more than I can ever put into words, and I’m scared to face the world alone.” I swallowed hard and sat up to cup your face in my hands, holding onto that last string of light in your beautiful hazel pools furiously, “ But if you promise me...really truly promise that you’ll still listen, then I’ll say it…”

 

“ I love you too.” The corners of your lips twitched, just like they always had whenever either of us had outwardly admitted our feelings for one another. “ I love you too, Jiyong and I promise…”

 

“Seal it with a kiss?” You laughed again and I etched it into my mind to never be forgotten.

 

“Please do.”  a whisper now, your voice growing quieter and quieter with every breath you wasted on me, but it still made me smile when you closed your eyes and puckered your lips for me to lean into. It was gentle, like I was too afraid to break you to pour every ounce of passion I had for you into it.

 

“Did you feel it?” I was stalling at that point, you would’ve told me you had no matter what but something inside of me just needed to hear it one last time.

 

“So embarrassing, Jiyong.” You breathed and I rested my forehead against yours so I could feel every last small breath of air escape your mouth.

 

“You can go, Nari...It’s okay.”

 

“Pro...mise?”

 

“Yes.” My voice was almost as weak as yours at that point and I remember biting my bottom lip to hold back the tears that my own chocolate colored eyes were swimming in.”

 

“Se...seal...it?” Every word was laboured, your eyes wouldn't open anymore, and you didn’t pucker your lips to meet mine this time. I sealed it though, just like you asked me too.

 

No one rushed in when you died, no one came to pull me off of you, or tell me that your time had come. There was no dramatic music playing in the background, the clouds didn’t darken and it didn’t start to pour down rain when Yang Nari’s light left this world. It felt like no one else had even realized you were gone. Everyone’s lives went on, even mine.

 

“G-Dragon? It’s almost like he’s doing it now.” The radio hostess is what broke me away from my reverie, followed by the chuckling of my bandmates. “G-Dragon, is what Seungri says true?”

 

“Ahh, forgive me. After being around him for so many years I’ve built up the ability to block most of what he says out completely.” I joked as I readjusted in my seat and fiddled with my earlobe beneath my headphones in an attempt to draw my thoughts back. Bringing myself back to the present was always more difficult after dwelling on you.

 

“ Hyung is so mean.” Seungri pouted, playing into a game that we’ve had for years. An extremely overplayed game, but a game between the two of us,none the less.

 

“ He said that you have the strange tendency to lock yourself away and blast your own songs for hours at a time.” Yoo In Ah reiterated after tossing a laugh our way.

 

“Nothing’s a secret with him.” I continued to tease lightly.

 

“Is this supposed to be a secret? Another attempt at privacy from your fans?”

 

“That’s not it at all.” I laughed, or at least tried to but this woman, despite being a polite and greatly valued figure in the community was doing her job and I had played right into it.

 

“What is it then?” My mind fell back to you and I was almost relieved that this conversation had come up on a radio show, no one could see me reeling back, glancing around the room for any of the members to help me.

 

“I think it’s…” Youngbae started, pursing his lips in search of a lifeline to throw me.

 

“It’s an appreciation.” Daesung offered, drawing a nod from everyone in the room and a sound of understanding from the M.C. “ We all just come to it differently.”

 

“Mmm, in those times I think about how long we’ve been together, and everything that we’ve overcome to get here.” More nodding and noises, less pressure and worry. “We couldn't have done it without the fans. We have them to thank for everything.”

 

That’s all any of us ever had to say to get out of trouble. Thank the VIPs, not that it was a lie in the slightest, but I had never told the world about you. You wouldn't have wanted me to, fame was my dream and you had always been supportive of that, so that’s what I used to cover up what I did when I needed you.

 

The rest of the show went without a hitch, Seungri kept his mouth shut on the subject of what any of us did in our spare time after receiving, what I assumed to be, a nudge under the table from Youngbae. We talked about our upcoming comeback, Made, which had really been the only reason for coming to the show in the first place, and then the usual questions about relationships and our types. I stopped describing you as my ‘type’ thinking that it would help to keep you off my mind. It never did, your image still flashed before my eyes every time the question spilt from the lips of whoever felt the need to ask it.

 

“Nari...were you listening?” I laugh softly and gaze out the window of the van as the others sleep on the way home. “ I blanked out for a little while there...but I pulled it together, did you hear it?”

 

You don’t answer, of course, but I imagine your fingers sneaking their way between mine and a smile playing at the corners of your lips. “ Aish, of course you did. It was all your fault you know!” You’d laugh at that but then tell me to quiet down before my bandmates started to think I was crazy, thinking about it though? I don’t think I’d mind being crazy. Even if it meant leaving Big Bang, YG, my life as a celebrity all together. I wouldn't mind any of it, as long as you keep your promise to listen to me.