When I take a look at what has been my life I realize of how unsatisfied I am with it to a certain extent. When I look back, all I manage to identify is disappointment, uncertainty, suffering, tears and dependence. If I were to write a book on what has been my life it would be summed up in two words...Kim Jongin. If I had to tell about my greatest achievement it would be Kim Jongin. If I had to tell about the best thing that happened in my life I would simply say Kim Jongin...

Can you see my problem now? But of course, that's a small part of the story, who knows? Maybe I'm just exaggerating…

If I could turn back time I would have done things in another way. If I could go back in time I would have been stronger and more independent. If I could go back in time I would choose have fallen in love with someone else…with the right person this time. People say that the heart wants what it wants and we cannot do much about it, and believe in that was my greatest mistake. People are made to evolve, to change day by day. So, why it can’t change love too? I've heard a million times the words "always", "never" and "forever" and people use these words daily, without noticing the weight of their true meaning…and I admit that I was one of them. When I was young and naïve I used to say those words nonchalantly, as if I were the one who controlled them, as if I knew their true significance…I was so young back then. As I said earlier, people change, as well as feelings and that was what I didn’t understand. I questioned myself everyday why people stopped loving each other from one day to the other. I wondered why people get divorced if they married so in love. Practically I wondered why things that looked so compromising and stable collapsed from one day to the other, that was the story of my life. It is for this reason that I made a promise with myself. I promised that I would never change. I promised myself that my feelings would never change. I committed myself to always love Kim Jongin, forever. And now, seven years later, I see the consequences of my irresponsible and naive promises.

When he came into my life I was innocent and idealistic. I was one of those people who gave everything when they loved. I was one of those people who idealized everything. I was one of those people who offered more than they could provide, I was like this when I was eighteen. And I think those were the qualities that he loved about me, at least that was what he told me back then….but at the end they were just words, just words, althought I know that at that time he really meant it. With that guy named Jongin–Kai for friends–I experienced many things. With him I experienced my first kiss, my first relationship, my first love, my first ual experience and first heartbreak. He made me feel many beautiful and devastating things at the same time. That boy of nineteen back then made me feel complete. He made me believe that I was nothing if he wasn’t by my side. I became totally dependent on him. He made me love him so much that I thought I would die if he wasn’t by my side. It made me realize that–since he appeared–my life was centered in him alone and that after him there wasn’t anything else. My whole life revolved around that attractive guy, even I myself stayed outside that circle…because I existed as long as he was there.

And seven years later I just realize of how stupid I was back then. I think nobody can live like that. I think no one should depend on someone in the way I depended on Kim Jongin. Some may say it's natural to act in that way when two people love each other, some might say it is even romantic. But what happens if one is more in love than the other? What happens if one sacrifices everything while the other one just doesn’t? What happens then? Well, it will happen what happened to me. I was that person who sacrificed everything while he received and nothing wanted to lose. Everyone could clearly notice the love I had for him and everyone could see that he was increasingly losing interest in me. I noticed it too obviously, I wasn’t stupid, but I lied to myself, convincing myself that he loved me as much as I loved him. If I had been smarter I would have ended the relationship when I started to see the signs, but I preferred to blind myself to be with the "love of my life". I should have broken up with him when I realized that he didn’t texted me back anymore. I should have distanced myself from him when I realized that he spent more time with his friends than with me. I should have broken up with him when I started noticing that he was avoiding me…but I didn’t, because I didn't want to believe that he had stopped loving me. If you are wondering if Kai cheated on me with another girl the answer is a big no, he never did and I appreciate that, at least he had the decency to respect me. But that didn’t ease my pain and grief when he said he no longer wanted anything to do with me. That didn’t soften the fall when he said he was tired of me and certainly didn’t make me resent him any less. Every day I wondered what I had done wrong, and back then I couldn’t find an answer, but now I realize what I did wrong. Kai was tired of me because he realized that in my world there was only him and that somehow freaked him out. He was afraid of not being able to love me the way I loved him. He was scared of being in a relationship that was clearly designed to a breakup. He was scared of being with such an obsessive girl as I was…of course this is just my opinion, because I would never know the real reason why he got tired of me. Besides, thinking like this prevents him to remain as the bad guy, because I don’t want him to be the villain. I can understand his behavior or at least I try, but that it won’t stop hurting any less. Maybe I was a little obsessive when I was with him, but he probably never understand the genuineness of my feelings for him…I really really loved him. Every time I looked at him I could have sworn that I saw my entire world. Every time he touched me I felt like I was floating in the air and the only thing that held me was him. I was so in love with him. And I’m talking in past tense because as you may have guessed my feelings for him are no longer the same as back then, through the years I've noticed that before loving another person you have to love yourself first. I've noticed that you have to leave a corner in your heart just for yourself. I have realized that love is something beautiful, but also very volatile.

You think you've found the right person, you think you're going to love that person until the end of your days, but in reality that's not true. A person can fall in love two, three, four and up to six times, who knows? There are very few people who have experienced something like eternal love, because I firmly believe that that kind of love doesn’t exist. Elderly couples who have been married for years and years–I venture to say that–they don’t love each other as they used to, they are only used to each other's company because more than lovers they are best friends, people who have decided to spend the rest of their lives together to see how the life goes on while they enjoy the few moments they have left to live…because at the end, nobody likes to be alone, no one would like to die alone. But of course, I could be wrong, I'm just an imperfect human being after all. However, this vision is what makes more sense to me and I'm satisfied with it.

And you may wonder why I began to question the meaning of my life so suddenly or why I started traveling through time and space to remember my first love. The answer is quite simple to be honest, it's because at this very moment Kim Jongin and I are in the same place after seven years without knowing anything about the other. I'm surprised that I have been able to recognize him after all these years, although I must admit that he made it much easier upon saying his name out loud when the cashier asked him what was his name to write in the cardboard cup…but again, how could I forget how Kim Jongin looks like?

While he waited for his order I took my time to examine him. He hadn’t changed much really, but he had definitely matured and that was expected, after all according to my calculations he should have twenty-seven years now…he is a man. His hair is dark brown now, very different from the blond hair that he had when we started dating. His gaze is cold and distant now, it took me by surprise because I honestly remember that his eyes were sweet and kind. He is tall, much taller than I remember. His tanned skin still free of imperfections. His lips are as plump as I remember. And his aura clearly says grace and dignity, which perfectly match his navy blue tuxedo. He looks flawless, professional and businesslike, which surprised me because it’s Saturday. I also noticed the manner in which he stood with his back straight and with his chin up, radiating an almost smug pride. I noticed too how he looked at his branded wristwatch every few seconds as if time were money, life philosophy that professed the businessmen, so I assumed that Kai was one of them now, which I found rather ironic considering that when we were teenagers he wouldn’t stop talking about his dream of becoming a professional dancer. I noticed the way in which he looked the surroundings disinterestedly, as if the place wasn’t worthy of his magnificence. I don't recall him this cocky, but as I have said many times before, people change.

I didn’t have time to react when his eyes fell on my face. I would like to say that everything around us began to move in slow motion. I would like to say that it was a magical moment, because in that way I could hold onto that little part of my inner child that still insists that fairy tales exist, but there was no slow motion nor fireworks on the background. But that doesn’t mean there was nothing at all, because when his eyes met mine there was an inexplicable warmth in my heart. When I saw him straight in the eye my heart could recognize the same nineteen year old boy of whom I had fallen madly in love in the past. And when he acknowledged my presence with a warm and sincere smile, I think I felt tickles in my tummy…he remembers me. I smiled back while I waved at him casually, as if we hadn’t been apart for years. He was so focused on my face that he didn’t realize that his order was already ready and that the cashier was calling him politely. After several failed attempts, the girl finally was able to get his attention to hand him his coffee. Still smiling and with his coffee in his left hand, he started walking towards my table with a confident and elegant walk, as if he owned the place. Without saying anything yet, he sat on the chair that was in front of me while he placed his coffee carefully on the table. We didn’t exchange words just yet, maybe we were too overwhelmed with this peculiar situation to talk. He just stared at me in the eyes with a feeling that I couldn’t identify. Nostalgia, perhaps? Longing? Disbelief? Surprise? I don’t know.

It's funny how life wanted to gather us after so long in the place and in the moment least expected, but the reunion was welcomed, at least for me, although I knew that he had many things to tell me… after all I could feel his anxiety, that's what his gaze was screaming at me. So I remained silent, waiting for him to begin the conversation. I don’t know why my eyes fell on his right hand in search of something that I didn’t find, I was just curious I guess and a part of me felt a little bit calmer when I saw that there was no ring decorating his ring finger. You cannot blame me for acting like that, after all he was the man who once meant everything to me. Although that put us in an asymmetric situation, an almost unfair situation, because it was so selfish of me to think like this.

“I thought that when I saw you, I would be the first one to speak. I thought that when I saw you, I would know exactly what to say, but now that you're in front of me I don’t know where to start.” He confessed all of a sudden, breaking the silence with his deep and manly voice. The sound of his voice hadn’t changed much, still had the softness and kindness in it. However, I can feel some coldness in it too.

It was strange to hear those words, because this meant that during all this time he had thought of me. That means he never forgot about me and I don’t know how to react to that to be honest. All I knew for the time being is that I wanted to hear frantically what he had to say. Although a part of me was somewhat surprised since his reaction was something that I found strange…he spoke to me as if time hadn’t passed for both of us.

I smiled condescendingly as I looked at him with understanding. “It's been a while since the last time we saw each other, Kim Jongin.” I finally said with a gentle but demure tone of voice. “Tell me how life has treated you.” I said with the intention to start a conversation. One could see that he was confused by the twist of fate, so I didn’t want him to feel pressured or forced to talk about the past as much as I wanted to hear what he had to say about it.

The man smiled at me gratefully, as if I had taken a great weight off of his shoulders. “I had forgotten how good you are at reading people, Yoon Yura.” He said before taking a sip of his coffee.

It was very rare to hear him say my name after all these years, but a part of his phrase distracted me enough to not think about it. I smiled sheepishly. “Is not Yoon anymore.” I corrected him timidly.

His gaze fell immediately on my right hand…there, on my ring finger was the beautiful silver ring that my husband had chosen especially for me. When he proposed to me with this beauty I knew he was the man for me, the clue was the ring. I had never given him a hint about my taste in jewelry, but he could choose the perfect ring for me. It may sound trivial, but this really says a lot.

Kai fell silent. I could see how his eyes darkened as he watched the ring on my hand. Then, with an uncomfortable smile he congratulated me insincerely. I knew what he was feeling at that moment because if I were in his position I would also react in the same way. I think it's natural, so I let it go and thanked him with a small smile.

“You've changed, Yura.” He muttered after a few minutes of remaining in absolute silence.

I raised an eyebrow while I grinned derisively. “Of course I did! Everyone change, Jongin.” I replied casually. “You, for example. Just by seeing your outfit I can guess that you're a man who spends hours in his office. Just by seeing your watch I can assume that your income should be quite high, an income that could correspond to an attorney or a businessman perhaps. Just by seeing your gaze I can presume that you are a successful man who thinks he's too good for ordinary people. And last but not least I dare to say you're a frustrated man for not fulfilling your true dream, am I right?” I said with an air of superiority. This meeting pleased me more and more.

His first reaction was one of astonishment, but then on his face began to take shape an amused smirk. Only then I knew that Kai was also enjoying our little conversation as much as I do.

“I should be shocked, but that's something that has not changed about you. As I said, you're very good at reading people and I must congratulate you, you're totally right.” He acknowledged, nodding his head in a satisfactory manner, almost as if he were proud of me. “But you forgot I also know how to judge people. Wait...no…I’m lying. The truth is I'm just good at reading you.” He said smirking.

I chuckled as I shook my head. “Enlighten me then.” I tempted him.

He narrowed his eyes as he scrutinized me with his gaze, reflective. “The only thing I'll say is that I know you're happy to see me.” He said softening his gaze, leaving aside all traces of playfulness.

I also softened my gaze, since I could see again the sweet boy who had once been my boyfriend. Of course I was happy to see him. I hadn’t heard from him after the breakup. He just threw me out of his life, hence seeing him at this stage of my life was something compromising.

“You're right, Jongin. I'm happy to see you, but I never thought you would be happy to see me.” I confessed.

He looked at me with a frown, confused, as if I had said the most ridiculous thing ever. “Why I wouldn’t be happy to see you? You are my first love, you know.” He said sincerely, I could see it in his eyes.

Hearing him say those words made me feel good in a way, at least it wasn’t an unrequited love. I can be content with that. And this only confirmed that my suspicions were true all along…he did love me at some point of our past relationship.

“It is hard to believe considering it was you who broke up with me.” I said casually, without bad feelings. I said it just because I wanted him to open up with me about the past, and it worked.

He settled in his chair uncomfortably while he took another sip of his coffee. I smiled amused to see him in that way. I could tell that he wasn’t used to feel this cornered and jittery. “I wasn’t being honest with you back then.” He announced with a saddened look. I might even say he looked remorseful, which took me by surprise. I never thought he would regret what he had done in the past.

“What are you talking about?” I asked with genuine curiosity.

He looked me in the eyes for a few seconds and then he sighed deeply. “I searched for you for years, Yura.” The man said in a whisper as he averted his gaze to deposit it on my right hand, which was resting on my lap.

I don’t know why a lump formed in my throat when I heard him say those words. It might not mean anything, but at the sa