The front door chimes open, and Baekhyun lets go of his fork. He stands just as Chanyeol comes into the kitchen and receives him with a clingy hug and a sweet kiss. He tries to keep his excitement under control, but fails when his husband hugs back extra hard, making him squeal. Chanyeol releases him and takes a seat at the table.

Baekhyun hurries and brings him a plate of lasagna after reheating it in the microwave, then sits across from him. “I have to tell you something,” he says after a small pause. He’s been dying to share the story since this morning.

Chanyeol pauses eating and reaches for Baekhyun’s hands across the table. He leans forward with a smile, giving his full attention. “What is it?”

“Kyungsoo called.”

“Really?” Chanyeol’s eyebrows quirk up. “Where the heck have he and Jongin been?”

Baekhyun shakes his head quickly, bouncing a bit on his seat. “It’s not where they have been, but what they were doing!”

Chanyeol tilts his head.

“They were adopting a baby!” Baekhyun laughs. “The sneaky bastards didn’t want to say anything in case it didn’t happen. But they got the okay and all the papers went through. Chanyeol…they got the cutest little girl ever. Soo emailed me some pictures and she is a tiny little doll.”

Chanyeol beams. “That’s so great! They’ve been wanting to do this for so long. I’m so happy for them.”

“I know, right? It’s such a blessing for them.” Baekhyun grips his husband’s hand harder. This is the hard part, now. Breathe, Baek. “I…I asked Soo for the name of the agency they used. I thought we could maybe look into it. Just…you know, to see.”

Chanyeol lets go of his hands, his face going carefully blank. “Baek...could we not do this tonight.”

Baekhyun’s heart plummets. Oh, please, please. Let him just listen tonight. “I-I’m just saying,” he settles his hands onto his lap so they don’t look so empty on top of the table, “if those two workaholics can do it, then you and I—”

“Baek, please.” Chanyeol runs a hand down his face and then pinches the bridge of his nose. “I’m tired. I have a headache coming on. And I’m really not up for this argument. I promise we can discuss it at length another day, yeah?”

Baek swallows. He hates to push Chanyeol like this, but he’s learned that sometimes his husband needs a little shove to get out of his big stubborn head. “Listen, I know how you feel. But I think when you go with me and see them—”

Deep wrinkles appear between his husband’s brows. “Go with you where?”

“T-To the agency,” Baekhyun says, wringing his hands. Maybe it had been too forward of him, but what harm can it do? Maybe if Chanyeol sees the babies, he’ll change his mind. “I sort of set up an appointment with them. I was so excited that I called right away, and the lady was so nice to invite us for a tour, a-a preview.”

Chanyeol groans and raises both hands to cover his face. “Baek….”

There’s a knot steadily forming in his throat. “If you would only give this a chance.”

“Baekhyun….”

The knot bursts. “I just don’t understand why! Why can’t we have a baby?”

Chanyeol gets up, his chair scratching along the floor. He doesn’t scream, but his voice takes a hard edge that slices at Baekhyun all the same. “I work all day long, six sometimes seven days a week. When I come home, I like to return to you and the comfort of my home. Not a screaming baby, which will turn into a demanding toddler and later into a rebellious teen. I can’t handle that right now.” He raises a hand, stalling Baekhyun’s next words. “And though I know you can, you shouldn’t be made to handle it alone.”

“But I want to! Don’t you see?” Baekhyun stands and goes to Chanyeol, gripping his neatly pressed shirt. “I want to do all that. I want to be sleepless because our baby kept me up all night. I want to be amused at our toddler’s demands. And I want to be angry and yet secretly proud of our teen. I want to be a parent. Why don’t you?”

“Because...because I...I don’t.” Chanyeol settles his hands over Baekhyun’s. A weary sigh rattles his chest and his eyes look sadder than Baekhyun’s ever seen them. “You knew that when we got married. You knew. Why are you making me feel guilty about it now?”

“I don’t want you to feel guilty,” Baek says, releasing his grip and smoothing his hands over his husband’s chest. “I want you to give this idea a chance. We’ve been married for almost five years now. We’ve known each other for almost twice as long. I think it’s time our family grew, Yeol. I want you to not dismiss it just because you’re afraid.”

Chanyeol shakes his head. “It’s not about fear, Baek. I just…can’t. If you wanted kids you should’ve married Sehun. Look at how many kids he and Luhan have now. Is it five or six?”

Baekhyun stiffens and pulls away. “You are such a jerk Park Chanyeol.”

His husband sighs. “I didn’t mean that. It was just a joke—”

“Everything is a joke to you.” Baekhyun leaves the kitchen and races upstairs to lock himself in the master bathroom. He turns on the shower and lets the water run. He slides down onto the marble floor and grips his knees tightly to his chest.

Baekhyun just wants a big family, like the one he once had and was rejected from when he came out. Chanyeol rescued him then, gave him hope, love, a new start. Chanyeol became his new family. But Baekhyun’s heart is greedy, constantly craving to give and receive love, and after years of being just the two of them, he is ready for more.

If only Yeol was willing to try….

Hot tears start to fall as the bathroom mirror fogs up.

 

Chanyeol climbs the short steps up to the entrance, ignores the doorbell—he sort of broke it on the first day from pressing too hard and too fast—and bangs on the navy door. This has been his routine for the past three weeks, so he’s not surprised when his heavy knocking goes unanswered. Chanyeol waits some minutes and knocks again, harder and longer.

This goes on for some time as it always does.

Chanyeol keeps doing it until the sun goes down and the porch lamp lights up. Only then, does he slide his hands into his pockets and make his way down the steps.

“Chanyeol, wait!”

He looks up to see Jongin half-out the door, battling to put on his jacket while holding onto the leashes of three very excitable toy poodles. “Soo, honey! I’m going to walk the puppies!”

Once he untangles himself, Jongin meets Chanyeol on the sidewalk. His friend eyes him from head to toe, and sighs. “Let’s go for a walk.”

This is new. Neither Kyungsoo nor Jongin have come out or acknowledged his knocks before. Well, except that time when Soo stormed out and threw water in his face. To be fair, he deserved it for arriving drunk and making a ruckus. Not one of his brightest moments, but at least he’d caught a glimpse of Baekhyun’s face hiding behind the door. Eyes red and swollen, dressed in his favorite pajamas, but in a house that wasn’t theirs. In a place Chanyeol wasn’t allowed to enter, he couldn’t go to his husband and hold him tight to comfort him. That, more than the ice-cold water dripping down his face, had sobered Chanyeol right up.

“How are you doing, buddy?” Jongin asks as he leads them to a nearby park.

“I am nothing without him,” Chanyeol says, and it’s the truth. He’s fought for Baekhyun and along Baekhyun, but never with Baekhyun. Never this big. It’s making him crazy. “The house feels empty, my days feel hollow. I can’t sleep, can’t concentrate on work, have zero appetite. I don’t know what to do anymore.”

“Maybe it’s time to let go,” Jongin says.

Chanyeol stops walking and glares. “How can you even suggest that? You know what Baek and I have been through. Do you think I’ll just give him up that easily?”

Jongin smiles. “Of course not. I only wanted to see if you had any fighting spirit left.”

“I won’t stop fighting. Ever.” Chanyeol resumes walking. “And I’m sorry, but I won’t stop knocking on your door until he comes out and talks to me.”

“I know,” Jongin says. “Kyungsoo knows, too, even if he gets grumpy about it. Though the grumpiness comes from lack of sleep. Sooah still doesn’t sleep through the night.”

Sooah, Kyungsoo and Jongin’s one year old, has been all the talk between their friends. Unfortunately, Chanyeol hasn’t had the chance to meet her, what with him being banned from the Kim house. “How is she?”

“Oh my god, Yeol. She is wonderful!” Jongin’s grin could eclipse the moon. “The other day she managed to climb out of the pen we have in the living room and we found her snuggled with Monggu on his doggy bed.”

The image is so precious that Chanyeol can’t help but grin. “Did Soo freak out?”

Jongin laughs. “Totally.”

They keep walking around the park as the night gets chillier. The puppies do their business and Jongin picks the little messes up in paper baggies he then throws out in the nearest trashcan. To give the puppies a break, they sit on a bench and let the poodles play around their ankles.

“You really won’t even consider the idea of children?” Jongin asks.

Chanyeol sighs. “I work eight to nine most days. I get home to eat, sleep, and talk to Baek about his day. The weekends are reserved just for us, to keep our marriage alive. If we add a kid into the mix…Baek would basically have to raise the boy or girl on his own. He would grow to resent me for not being there, and it wouldn’t be long until the serious fights started.”

“Yeol…you and Baek are not your parents,” Jongin says, scratching Monggu’s head. “You two have been together for so long and overcome so many things. This is just another challenge.”

Chanyeol shakes his head. Just thinking about it makes his heart heavy. He’s not cut out to be a father, not yet, and he doesn’t know if he ever will be. “I just…I don’t think we can.”

“Meaning you don’t think you can?” Jongin says, nudging him on the shoulder. He turns his attention to Jjangah and Jjanggu who are now fighting to be petted too. “I’ll let you in on a little secret.”

Chanyeol picks up Jjangah and settles her on his lap, running his fingers over her short white curls.

“I didn’t think I could either,” Jongin says, once he’s let the other two pups go. “Remember that time I invited you camping?”

Chanyeol nods. “And we got so drunk that we not only grilled the fish we caught, but also the vegetables, the marshmallows, and—”

“Everything we could find! Yes!” Jongin laughs and Jjanggu jumps onto his lap. He pets him. “Kyungsoo and I had a huge fight that time and I needed to get out of the house. We fought about adoption.”

Chanyeol pulls back, eyes opening wide. Even before those two got married, kids had always been on the table. Kyungsoo used to joke that Jongin was more than qualified since he had three kids of his own already—the pups. “You never told me.”

“It’s okay. You were there for me even if you didn’t know I needed you,” Jongin says. “It was actually because of something you said that I finally went back and settled things with Soo. You said, ‘The only thing that could ever come between you two is a baby, and only because it would complete you as a family.’”

“I-I said that?” He’d out most of that night. They’d really been faced drunk.

Jongin rolls his eyes. “Yes, you did.” The puppies are getting restless, yipping and whining, wanting to go back home where it’s warm, so Jongin stands. “Yeol, the truth is, you won’t know what kind of parent you are until you’re there actually being a parent.”

Chanyeol pouts. He hated when Jongin went all wise man on his . “I don’t want to screw up a kid’s life.”

“You’re a great friend, Yeol. The best,” Jongin says. “I think you’d make an awesome dad.”

Chanyeol clears his throat and stands. Jongin has always been there for him. All through his freaking out about liking boys, to confronting his parents about it, to freaking out again when he met Baekhyun. That his friend still believes he could make a great dad means something. He claps Jongin on the shoulder.

“Why don’t you drop by the house tomorrow?” Jongin says. “I’ll talk to Kyungsoo about not murdering you and letting you talk to Baek.”

Chanyeol grins. “Thanks, man.”

His friend’s encouraging words go around in his head as he heads home, but even then, he can’t fight back the paralyzing thought of having a child of his own. He doesn’t want to be a screw up father or a ty husband like his own father had been. Yet it seems that whatever decision he makes will lead to one of those two options.

If only Baek would see my side….

 

The door is a vivid orange color decorated with so many kids’ drawings that only the border around the glass window shows the true paint underneath. The woman giving him the tour, a Ms. Yeun, motions him with one hand to approach the viewing window.

Baekhyun takes a deep breath and steps closer to the door. His heart does an odd little ba-ba-dump when he glimpses the scene inside. There are toddlers everywhere: sitting on chairs and drawing, sprawled on the floor with building blocks, and playing with toy cars on puzzle-shaped floor mats. They’re tiny and adorable and so full of energy.

A laugh bubbles out of his chest at the thought that any one of them could be his, but he sobers up quickly. The only reason he is here is because he forgot to cancel the appointment. With all the moving out ordeal and the tense encounters with Yeol—yeah, Kyungsoo had let him in and, yeah, he and his husband were talking again—Baekhyun had completely erased it from his mind. Until the adoption agency called his cell during lunch today, to remind him of the visit.

Baekhyun swallows to clear his throat, and hopes none of his burdens come through when he opens his mouth next. “A-Are they the youngest ones?”

“We keep the babies in a separate area,” Ms. Yeun says, her voice soothing and even. She starts leading the way down the hall.

Baekhyun pulls away slowly, his hand still on the glass window. Chanyeol should be here with him. They’ve been talking every day over the phone, but Baekhyun still refuses to move back. He’s afraid that if he gives in so easily, his husband will just forget his promise to consider the possibility of a baby. No. For now, it is better this way.

However, coming here without Chanyeol feels…wrong. Maybe he should’ve rescheduled. Maybe he should’ve called Chanyeol. A lot of maybes and what ifs.

Ms. Yeun stops at another door, a soft turquoise one, free of drawings. This time she holds it open.

Baek hesitates at the threshold.

“It’s all right, Mr. Byun,” Ms. Yeun says. “Come on in. Most of them are asleep.”

The babies are mostly asleep, looking like little cherubs with their round, rosy cheeks and tiny hands and feet. They’re all so precious, that for a moment he feels overwhelmed, a heavy pressure settling over his chest.

Chanyeol is not here. And it feels so wrong standing there alone, that Baekhyun wants to run out before he starts to sob. There’s an oncoming wave of panic threatening to drown him, but then one baby catches his eye.

The name on her crib reads Mina. She has a purple onesie with little sheep on the front, and she is not asleep. Mina looks at him with big brown eyes, a gaze that reaches all the way into his heart and squeezes it. Breath goes out of him in a big exhale and he smiles at the little angel. When he steps closer, she raises her little arms and waits to be picked up.

“Can I?” Baekhyun asks.

Ms. Yeun nods. “You can.”

Baekhyun picks up baby Mina, careful to support her head and body. He cradles her against his chest and she yawns wide, opening and closing her tiny fists. Her eyes focus on him again and he smiles. She gurgles happily and the sound makes his heart burst. She’s the most perfect thing he’s ever laid eyes on.

There’s a tight knot forming in his throat, so he tries to breathe through it and calm down. It wouldn’t do to upset the baby.

“You mentioned a husband, Mr. Byun,” Ms. Yeun says, looking at the folder in her hands. “He didn’t come for the appointment?”

“Yes, I-I—He just…” Baekhyun coos at Mina, giving his brain time to come up with an excuse. “He recently got a promotion and has a lot of work.”

Ms. Yeun looks at him over the rim of her glasses. “Mr. Byun…we do accept single parent adoptions, but I have to warn you that it might take longer. Couple adoptions take priority, you see.”

“I understand.” Baekhyun says, bouncing a bit on his heels, still staring at the baby. He wills his eyes to stay dry. “Yeol has just been really busy with work lately. He’s doing extra hours. We’re saving up money for the baby.” Or at least, he’s been saving up his freelance money for the baby.

“Ah, that sounds lovely,” Ms. Yeun says. “Then I hope to meet him next time.”

This is why Baekhyun hates to lie. How is he going to get Chanyeol to come to the next meeting? He promised to be understanding and give him a break, but now with baby Mina in his arms, he feels his resolve crumbling. What if Yeol never changed? What if years passed and it was still just the two of them? Baekhyun had never considered being a single parent, but if things didn’t work out….

“There are still a couple of details we need to go over,” Ms. Yeun says, bringing him back from his thoughts.

That’s his cue to put the baby down in her crib. But he doesn’t want to. Mina is waving her hands excitedly at him and his heart is breaking into pieces. Chanyeol would love her. He is certain of it.

He has to make things work between them. He has to.

“Five more minutes?” Baek begs, his voice choked up.

 

Baekhyun turns off the ignition and sits in the quiet of his car for a moment. He’s still living out of his suitcase in Kyungsoo and Jongin’s guestroom. He’s also become Sooah’s unofficial nanny as repayment to his friends for taking him in. But even with friends by his side and a baby to brighten his afternoons, Baek still feels a bleakness taking over his life. It’s the absence of something vital, someone whom Baek doesn’t dare admit out loud that he misses for fear of breaking down.

They’re still talking every day, but it feels as if their arguments go around in circles. Baekhyun says he wants a baby, Chanyeol talks about his fears, Baekhyun assures him they’ll make it, Chanyeol wants to believe…but doesn’t. The second appointment with the adoption agency is coming up soon, and Baekhyun doesn’t know what he’ll say if Ms. Yeun brings up single parent adoption again.

Baekhyun sighs and gets out of the car before his thoughts become too morose. Using the spare key Kyungsoo and Jongin gave him, he opens the door and walks in.

“I’m home!” He leaves his shoes in the closet by the front door and makes his way to the open kitchen and living room area. Jongin is waiting for him there, looking all sorts of guilty.

The reason becomes clear when Baekhyun sees the person sitting on the living room couch.

Chanyeol.

Except for his eyes, which are wide and slightly panicked, his husband sits completely at ease with Sooah in his arms. The girl is playing with a Pororo plushie that is half as big as her. He’s so good with kids and he can’t even see it.

Baekhyun smiles politely, clamps a hand around Jongin’s arm, and drags him out of earshot. “What is he doing here?” he hisses.

“I think it’s time you and your husband talk things out face to face,” Jongin says massaging the area where Baekhyun grabbed him.

Except for the daily phone call, Baekhyun and Chanyeol had decided to keep clear of each other until they resolved this issue. Time away meant cooler tempers and clearer heads. Plus, they both knew their defenses would be completely destroyed the moment they saw each other. Hell, just to see the agonized look in Chanyeol’s eyes right now was making Baekhyun want to pack his bags and go home.

He glares hard at Jongin. “This is not what we agreed to.”

“It’s been three months,” Jongin fires back. “Someone had to step in.”

“You had no right to interfere,” Baekhyun says as he ste