Memory is a strange thing. It can be fragile and so strong. Recalling us about the darkest times, and preventing us to sleep after a really hard day. A day too much to bear for our bruised souls. It’s torment and softness. Filling itself with every details, and every moments. It deals with our feelings. It fills the emptiness of you heart. The one who’s created by an absence, or a leaving. The one who’s created by a betrayal. It hurts you, and it cures you. It soothes and it destroys. Memory is a strange thing. The one who helps to move forward, and the one who keeps us in the past.

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He kept saying he didn't understand why all these people continued to turn around him. He said again and again they shouldn't and that he had never did anything to deserve them. And each time, I had to tell him the same things.

So I looked into his eyes before finally speak. And I told him one more time. " You didn't have to do anything, you just had to be yourself. " Because it was true. And it was true for everyone. I knew too many people who didn't trust themselves and wondering what they ever could have done to deserve what they have. But they never understand that they just had to be themselves. So they are still afraid. Scared of losing everything. Afraid that one day all this will disappear. They don't know. They don't understand that those who love them will always remain. They will not leave on a whim. They don't understand that it's precisely because they keep being themselves and they didn't do anything to try to attract people, that the others are hooked.

And I kept saying again and again that he just had to be the one he truly was. The one who smiled all the time, and who laughed at the most stupids jokes that Earth has ever known. He just had to sang to break his vocal cords when he thought nobody was listening, and stopped right when he realized that someone actually heard. He only had to keep putting his eyeline without worrying about the look of others, and watch cartoons he had always enjoyed watching. He only had to be the one who loved to be the center of attention, but who was actually embarrassed whenever someone made him a well deserved compliment.

I told him he didn't have to change for anyone. Because someone who didn't love him as he was, didn't deserve to be a part of his life. And he didn't understand why I stayed with him when he was forgetting each day a little bit more. While, tomorrow, he might very well forget who I am, and no longer remember all the things that we lived together.

So I looked into his eyes once again, and I gently caressed his hands, reminding him that it didn't matter if he forget me, it didn't matter if he can't remember. Whether his memory decided to erase me. It didn't matter if his memories decided to fly away. Because I will remember for the two of us. And I will love for the two of us. And it didn't matter if he disappeared, because I will live for two.

Each time, tears decided to make their appearance, and I was pretty sure they ran on my cheeks, but I never really noticed them. Because my eyes were rooted into his, and the only things I felt, was the warmth of his hands on the crook of mine. The softness of his fingers, against my palms. And how fast my heart was expressing his love.

I knew that nothing else was as important as stay with him when he was feeling more alone than ever. I knew that his memory was deteriorating, and that was why, when I arrived that morning, he didn't shout my name excitedly, as he always did. He just looked at me, and his eyes had show no emotion. He had waited, and hadn't moved until I speak. And when I finally articulated, as warmly as possible a little " Hello Baekkie ", he didn't jump on me, and his voice didn't break like it always did with emotion when he says my name. He simply smiled. One of those smiles he presented to everyone for now, a year. The one that meant " I don't know who you are, but I don't want to hurt you. " He smiled, and then stood up and he finally said " Hello Chanyeol. " I understood that someone had told him about my visit. And I understood that I shouldn't show him that I knew. I shouldn't show him that I understood that he didn't remember who I was.

But my name in his mouth sounded so wrong today. He, who hadn't call me like that in years. He, who incessantly found me new nicknames to show me how much he loved me. Baekhyun, that day , was not the Baekhyun which I fell in love seven years ago. But I was convince that he would return, so I just sat and talked. A lot. Because Baekhyun had always hated that. He hated when I was speaking and everyone had their attention on me, and he had never kept to tell me. So I spoke, again and again.

I talked about my job and he didn't react. I talked about our friends, but still no reaction. And I told him about Kyungsoo and Jongin. That they finally decided it was time to start the process to adopt a baby. But Baekhyun only answered with a smile. He who waited that for years. I told him that Jongdae had finally visit his father to fix things. But he didn't react, he who kept saying that it couldn't just end like that, with the two of them not talking to each others just because he was gay. I told him that Tao and Kris came back to China, to visit their families, and I talked about Minseok, who finally had bought a ring to Jongdae. I kept talking, about Sehun and Luhan, who were finally back together, after they broke up for stupids reasons. And I ended up with Yixing and Junmyun, who had made an agreement on the name of their little baby girl. And she was finally called Soo-Jung, the name that Baekhyun had suggested.  

I continued to babble. About everything and nothing. And nothing seemed to come back at him. But I didn't give up. And finally, he had uttered these word I never thought love to hear. " Damn Channie, can you shut up for a second ? ". It wasn't agressive, it never was. He was always smiling when saying it. It was his way of showing me that despite the harshness of his words, he loved me more than anything. 

And I undestood, when I heard this nickname, that my Baekkie was back. The one I loved was here, again, and I lived just for these moments. Those where his brain decided to bring him back with us, with me. Those where he wasn't Byun Baekhyun but Park Baekhyun, and those when his hand was caressing mine in a natural gesture, because it was what he had always done. Those where I could see in the deepest of his eyes all the love he had for me, and how much he was feeling bad for forgetting about me. But I didn't care. I'd never care. I knew it wasn't his fault.

So, I slowly came closer, and I gently took his face between my hands, before kissing him lovingly. I enjoyed as much as I can, these moments where my Baekhyun was there again, and I thought about nothing else but the softness of his lips against mine. They had always been perfectly in their place, as if they had been made to meet. As if they were made for kissing each other. I enjoyed these moments, and I still loved him, and I loved him more. Our bodies fit together in a loving and tender embrace, and reminded me about the feeling I had always had. The one that made me believe that we were created to love each other. Because his body against me seemed to be home. Because my hands were big enough to make him feel safe. Because his eyes and mine never seemed to want to leave.

He squeezed me so hard against him. And I knew he was scared. He was afraid. Because he knew he will forget everything. Because all of that will fade away. Because he had the feeling to spoil everything. I knew he was angry against himself. I knew he wanted to cry. So I gently slided my hand in his nape, and I caressed his skin with my fingertips. His shoulders relaxed slowly, and I realized one more time that my presence reassured him.

My heart pounded against him. Chest against chest. They met and loved. Everything was so simple. Everything had always been so simple between us. A meeting, a smile, a look, a kiss. I knew from the start that he would become important to me, but I had no idea that he would become the one who give me the strenght to live. I hadn't realized that one of his smile will give me the strenght to go through anything. I hadn't realized that Baekhyun would give me the impression of being able to do everything, without being afraid to fail. Because failure was nothing. Because failure didn't matter. Because Baekhyun made me understand that we had to fail a lot, to be successful once.

And I had failed. I had missed opportunities. I had wanted to give up. Yes I had wanted to. Release everything and go away. But not once, not even for a second, the idea of leaving him behind had through my mind. And now, more than ever, I knew I had to hold onto him. Because he was slowly disappeared. Because time was short. Because the last page of his memory began to fade. Because if he happened to remember the less important things in the past, today it was hard for him to remember that he was loved and that his presence was a gift.

        Baekhyun was about to disappeared. Like a drawing with a white chalk on a blackboard. He left behind him a bigger emptiness, and I already knew that nothing could fill it. Baekhyun will soon, no longer be there, and I'll just have the memories, when he will have nothing.

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« The memory of words is lost, not the emotions.» Amin Maalouf

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A/N : I don't know what to say..

This is like, really bad, but I wanted to share it with you because I wanted to know if people can understand what I wrote.

I just hope you liked it, and you don't feel like you wasted your time !

Thanks for reading it !

Never forget that everyone is worth it. You're worth it.