The sound of a faint breathing and the constant buzzing of the heater is what keep the night as Park Chanyeol lay there on the bed, one arm is lazily lying on his side while the other is draping over a small figure while continuously tapping the small of its back that is lying on his chest.

Staring at that figure is the only thing that holds him right here and there. He rubbed its gentle back feeling the staggered breathing right across his chest. He witnessed a smile overriding her deep sleep. He could only stare at her sleeping without being disturbed for the whole day and his whole life can be complete.

But it will never be complete. He knew what he had lost and what he can never regain. And as much as he have her lying there, it will still be better if it was you breathing next to him, seeing you flashing a toothy grin or that little frown that drives him crazy whenever he witness them while you are deeply asleep.

But you are not there anymore. You are as far as you can be from him. You are nowhere he can actually reach—and that’s enough fact for him to be saddened about.

Chanyeol glanced at the large glass window occupying the space from the floor to the ceiling. He can clearly see the dark expanse of the sky, showing few stars in the night sky. The city probably had deprived for most of the stars to appear on that black space of the sky.

He remembered how you always hate it when you can’t really spot any star on the surface of a solemn night like this. He remembered you frown and pouted like a little kid, not being able to take a piece of her favorite candy on the store. He remembered seeing how your eyes would shine as you stare at those little white diamonds in the sky.

And that was one of the best scenes he had ever seen in his life, he thought. And with you, it has always been the best scene. If only he could see that, if only he could touch you, feel your warmth against him, he would be happy and contented and there’s nothing he can wish for. If only he can do something to have you—but he can’t.

Chanyeol flashed a small bitter smile on his face. He sometimes wonder how long he would be able to keep up not being near you, not talking to you, not feeling your existence towards him, your small breath from the aftermath of a kiss, or the feeling of your smile towards his lips.

He felt that deep intense pain on his chest, and he knew he shouldn’t be thinking about you—not even taking a glimpse on your picture. Because the moment that he does he’ll go back to square one, he couldn’t recover again.

The counsellor said that if he really wanted to get a new life, away from this seeping sadness, he had to let go, to accept the truth and forget the past.

How he wish he could do that, how he wish it is as easy as writing or scribbling a paper and begin in a new desolated paper again, but it would take the whole chapter of his life to get through it.

He tried to blink away the tears and tried to bite his lip to prevent gasps from coming out of his mouth. As much as he wanted to cry, he wouldn’t want to see this little figure over his chest to be interrupted from her deep sleep let alone see her trying to wound away the pain.

He can do as much as that. Only watching her sleep, seeing the smile that had reminded him of yours when you are the one he used to watch sleeping before.

He wanted to talk to you about a lot of things. He missed the times where you were just lying on the bed, talking about each other’s day, about random and absurd things—not being aware of the time, even if it’s in the middle of the night, until you’re both too tired to talk anymore. He missed everything about that. He yearns for that moment to happen again. He wanted you back in his life. But what else can he do?

Fighting another tear to fall in his eyes, he reached for his phone that is lying on the bedside table, trying not to flinch or fidget too much so that little figure that is drowned from the solemnity of the night will continue its peaceful dream.

He unlocked his phone, seeing your smiling face on his screen, he returned a smile—something he can’t help doing so, whenever he saw a picture of you. That’s where he realized how much he missed you.

Your eyes staring back at him, your lips in his, your hair stranded in between his fingers, all of those can only brought him to tears. He cried silently trying not to heave his chest too much, but proceeded on what he think he can only do for now.

Wiping out his tears, he tapped on the red button and begun.

“Uhhmm…” he started.

He fought another urge to cry by biting the inside of his cheeks. He took a deep breath biting his lips, blinking really hard and trying not to think of anything else but to focus on the running recording on his phone.

“_____________!” Chanyeol said your name in a cheerful tone he always used to call you. He tried to smile but it only worsen the stinging pain that is beating on his chest.

But either way, he tried to proceed. “Hey! How are you?” he said in a breaking voice.

He adjusted the angle of the camera so that it is facing towards the part of his body on the bed and to the sleeping child on his chest. He chuckled, “It’s sounded absurd asking you that, huh?”

When another surge of emotions came in his chest, he breathed really hard, trying to push that all out of him. He just wanted to make a simple recording for you—like you were really on the other line. Like it was really you he was talking to. And even to that, he doesn’t want to fail.

He blinked away, looking at the clock and said, “It’s already 1:45 am here on our apartment, right now. Middle of June”

He struggled for something to say and looked out on the window, “It’s supposed to be sunny today if it’s not night—but as you can see there, we don’t have much stars” then he slipped a little view of the window before returning to face it with him.

“I am actually putting our daughter to sleep. But well, she has so much energy that she ended to sleep here on my chest” he tried to laugh as he shown you the glimpse of your sleeping child. She looked a lot like you, but she has Chanyeol’s eyes that made up both of you in a good blending.

“She’s so talkative and running around the house for hours before I finally put her down on her pajamas, you know—she’s so much like you in a very different way” he continued.

“I wonder what you would say if you were here. Ahuh, I guess you will also play along with her until we couldn’t sleep the whole night. Or you’ll nag at her just like how you nagged at me” he playfully frowned which turned into a low chuckle.

“But you’re not here so…” he automatically thought. He wanted to forget that even for now, even for a split second he would at least feel that you are with him, that you’re just within reach just like how close he could get to you before. But the surge of emotions is not letting him, and as fast as that chuckle and smile had appeared, it has changed immediately to that sadness and hopelessness that is reflecting from his heart.

He broke down, as much as he tried to hold on. He really missed you and he can’t cope up with it anymore.

“______________! I missed you” he barely said, fighting down the entire seemingly endless pain that has been residing in his chest since you’ve been gone. He can’t help the pants and heaves, just to let his body react to the intense slam of pain—the huge force of being thrown into a wall full of thorns of regrets and guilt.

“I-I really missed you ___________! I-I d-don’t know… what should I do now? Tell me please… I-don’t know what to do anymore” he barely said the last sentence breaking down.

But he know he will need to swallow back the tears and go on with his life. With your daughter, he knows he still has a long time to adjust, a long time to endure this pain. What brings him back is the small moan coming from the child on his chest that is coming back from her sleep.

The child fidgeted on his