Regrets
RegretsSeungri comes to the apartment the next morning with breakfast in tow. When Jiyong leaves his room he sees Seunghyun animatedly eating whatever he can get his hands on. Daesung and Youngbae each have a hand on Seungri’s shoulder, concern in their eyes, but he laughs them off and pushes the food toward them.
“Eat.”
Jiyong realizes then that Seungri is wearing his jacket and he smiles to himself. He inches forward, trying not to call attention to himself but it doesn’t last. Seungri sees him like he always does when Jiyong enters a room. He forces himself to smile and Youngbae gives him a pointed look, but Jiyong doesn’t pay attention.
“Want some, hyung?” Seungri forces a small smile and Jiyong suddenly regrets it.
He regrets everything he said the night before. He regrets making Seungri’s eyes become dimmer. He regrets making Seungri seem so small that he could fit in the palm of a hand when seungri is so big Jiyong’s heart can’t hold all of him. He regrets making Seungri feel any less than what he is : victory.
“I’ll pass, thanks.”
Jiyong takes a glass of water and retreats back to his room. He hears the chatter of everyone outside, but nothing is louder than the sound of his heart.
*
Jiyong remembers the moment he began to love Seungri. He was trying to write lyricsto a song but he hadn’t written anything good for days. He had locked himself in his room, hoping something, anything would come to him. While he was in the midst of going insane, there was a sound of dishes a few inches away from him. When he looked up, Seungri was leaning his hip against the desk, staring down at Jiyong.
“Hyung, you’ve been in here for forever. Aren’t you going to leave?”
Jiyong only turned back to his notebook beginning to scribble nonsense onto the page in hopes that words would come. “I can’t leave until I’ve got a song ready.”
Seungri’s heavy sigh seemed to fill the whole room and he sat on Jiyong’s bed. He didn’t say anything and instead took a bowl off the tray he had brought in and set it in front of Jiyong.
“At least eat. Please." Seungri didn’t even wait for an answer and pushed the spoonful of food into Jiyong’s mouth. He laughed so loud at the expression on Jiyong’s face he had to look away. Jiyong watched Seungri then. He watched the lines that form at the corners of his mouth as he smiles and the way his eyes get brighter when he’s clearly amused. He watched his hands wrap around himself as if he’s trying to hold back from exploding with laughter. "You have to swallow the food, hyung,” Seungri told him in between his fits of laughter.
And Jiyong did, but he swallowed back his heart that was right in his throat so Seungri couldn’t see what he had done to him. The moment passed so quickly and Seungri stayed in his room for hours as Jiyong finally got something down onto paper. They were words that he swore nobody else would ever see only because of how truthful and revealing it was. When Seungri tried to read it later on, Jiyong refused and locked it in his top drawer. He locked away his feelings in that one piece of paper, only opening it every few months when he was alone.
*
When his door opens, Jiyong knows its Seungri because he had heard Daesung leave the apartment an hour ago, his goodbye ringing throughout every room. He knew Seunghyun was asleep because he always took a nap after eating too much and Youngbae always knocks before letting himself in his room.
“Maknae, what do you want?” Jiyong doesn’t turn around and wills himself to focus on his paper. From the corner of his eye he sees Seungri set down a cup of tea on his desk. Jiyong suddenly thinks of the night Seungri had made his way into his heart and something inside of him shakes.
“You didn’t eat and Seunghyun-hyung ate everything.” Next, he places a small platewith a piece of bread on it close to Jiyong. “There was nothing to cook with. So this is it. I’m sorry.”
Jiyong knows that Seungri is about to leave and something makes him hold him back. He can’t let Seungri leave now when there’s so much he has to say.
“Wait.”
Yet, he can never come up with the perfect words.
Seungri’s back is to him and Jiyong can’t stand it. He stands up and grabs Seungri’s hand, and turns him around to face him. Seungri doesn’t look him in the eyes. He has never looked so defeated.
“I’m sorry I’m not good with words but…”
“That’s a lie, hyung.”
“No, it’s true. I only ever know the right thing to say too late. I can only write the perfect song after I’ve thrown out five others. I’m not that good with words. Just like I’m not that good with feelings.” He squeezes Seungri’s hand and Jiyong can only hope he understands. Seungri lifts his eyes up and Jiyong holds his breath. “Seungri…”
Jiyong moves closer to him as he says his name until they are sharing the same breath. They both stop breathing for a couple of seconds, trying to process everything and its Seungri that makes the first move. His lips brush Jiyong’s for the slightest moment and he is just about to pull away when Jiyong grabs his hip and brings him toward him. Jiyong kisses like he’s hungry and maybe he is, he thinks. Hungry for Seungri and everything he has to offer. Jiyong never knew how empty his stomach was until this kiss and he knows he never wants to stop.
Seungri is never surprised at what Jiyong does. It seems that there is not even a hint of hesitation when Jiyong’s kisses get rougher as each minute passes and his nails dig into Seungri’s waist.
“Hyung.” Seungri whispers so low, Jiyong almost misses his plea to unhook his nails from his skin. Jiyong almost wants to tell him to endure it a little longer so that he can hold onto him, make sure that this is real for a minute or two but he lets go anyway. Seungri pushes away just a little. Jiyong watches him shift his weight from one foot to the other. “What is it?”
They don’t stand any longer as Seungri decides to sit on the floor against the wall next to Jiyong’s desk. Jiyong follows him down sitting next to him, his eyes not leaving Seungri’s face.
“I don’t know…” Seungri’s hesitation makes Jiyong shift and grab his hand. “If this is real.”
They both stay silent for a couple of minutes, both not knowing what to say. In truth, Jiyong has so many things he wants to scream out so that Seungri will know everything. Yet, he can’t seem to open his mouth to speak. Something doesn’t let him. Instead, Jiyong turns to his desk and opens the top drawer, taking out a piece of paper that had been folded and unfolded countless times. Without hesitation, he gives it to Seungri and waits.
He suddenly regrets this too.
Time seems to have slowed down as Seungri stares at the paper longer than needed. His eyes searching the paper, he flips it over and over in his hands and finally folds it back into a square. His laugh is what startles Jiyong.
“What’s so funny?”
“Nothing.” Seungri’s voice is so quiet Jiyong can barely hear it. He doesn’t hesitate to cup Jiyong’s face in his hands. He leans into the touch so naturally as if its nothing new. “I used to hate you. I used to hate myself. Only because I loved you more than I should have. I suffered alone for so long.” He laughs again. “Yet, you were going through the same thing. I’m sorry Jiyong hyung.”
When Jiyong takes Seungri’s hands and laces their fingers together he can’t help but wish for all of this to have happened sooner. “It’s not your fault.”
And Jiyong thinks that out of everything he’s done wrong, he can’t bring himself to regret loving Seungri.
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