I walked out from my apartment, take some breathe. I put on my sunglasses when I already outside the building. I checked my phone, hope that’s someone texted me, but that’s nothing. Amber, my mind is full of her name. it had been 10 months after we broke up. She said that we’re not fine together and what I see on her twitter account makes my heart so hurt, I can’t breathe and tears falling down without my permission. She’s with someone else, looks so happy, so romantic. We still meet after we broke up, she said that I’m still the best in her life. What else I can do. I want to scream if I was the best in your life, why you move so easily like that? I try to make it up all the things for you, but then you just go with that woman who just beside you when I’m not? What’s the meaning of 1 year 6 months we were together? Why I can’t be like you, move with someone else? I love you so much, Amber. You said that I’m too late. Too late for do something for us. Is it too late to try?

My tears just fall again when I remember all about her. I don’t want to open all my social media, I don’t want to see and to know she is happy with that woman. She’s just older than Amber, like her mom. 3 months after we broke up is the darkest day on my life. I want to die. I want to go away. I want to sleep for long time, so this pain is not that hurt anymore. I try to cut my wrist but I just know that I’m not ready to die. Not yet.

“I know you’ll tough”

Yes I am, Amber. I’m tough, even I had this anemia, I’m tough. But sometimes, I don’t want to be this tough. I have to always use my mask when I meet everyone. Sometimes I’m tired, but what should I do? I have no choice, I have to face the reality and try to be friendly with time and pain.

After all, I end it with blamed my self. She’s so hurt, I know. We can’t open about our relationship, because my family ruined everything after 5 months. All people who I believed can accepted us, tried to ‘kill’ us. It makes me so disappointed. They thought I broke up that day, but I’m not. She said she don’t wanna loose me that time, not yet. Be hiding all the time makes her tired. She even delete our photos because she can’t upload it, so why she have to save it, she said. I try my best to understand. I’m afraid if we are opened again, somebody will hurt her, my family said they can make Amber go away from my sight, far far away. I just don’t want that happen and all of my fear is killing me. I make her frustrated because I can’t be with her all the time and our quality time just 2 hours for a day because I want to keep it safe. That’s why she found her, someone else who take my place. I have bad feeling when I know they’re so close but I don’t want to be so negative, and it happened.

Am I had to be like that woman so I can keep you by my side, Amber? Am I had to always sick and always go to hospital like that woman? And you called her princess just like you called me. I’m sorry but I hate her. But she doesn’t know anything about me. Amber don’t want to tell her because she’s possessive. That something happened between her and her husband in the past. Amber still want to keep in touch with me.

My feet stopped at the park and sit on the couch. I wiped away my tears behind my sunglasses and smile. I know this is my punishment to make you hurt. This is my punishment because I was too afraid. I was too afraid of what people see and said about us and afraid of anything can hurt you. I’m so sorry, Amber, to make you feel that way. I wish you were happy. I’m still standing like this, still into you, still love you. You’re so amaze me, Amber, because I can always falling in love again with you no matter what you do. I can learn about true love. I know my love is so true for you. It doesn’t matter, if you’re doing well, me too.

“Amber, I love you so much, more and growing day by day. What you do now never change my heart for you a bit. I don’t want to talk too much now, I want to prove that my love and my promise for you is true. And I believe, we’ll meet again when the right times comes. Even I had to lived with this pain all the time, I will. Love you is the happiest thing of my life. My only one, saranghae, neomu neomu saranghe” I whispered to my self.

I know a lot of people will think that I’m a fool, I’m stupid, to always love someone that already forget me. When I think about to die, my heart said something else, if I’m died, how can I love her, how can I prove to her, how can I help her? I know I’m lie if I said I don’t want feedback from her, but I had to be like that. I love her because she’s just amber, the way she is. I want to always by her side, even if she’s not my girlfriend anymore.

I slowly stand up and walked home. I smile. Feel better.

I’m a loser? Yes I am

What a loser like me can do to you?

To always standing, love you and believe in you, no matter what the ending, my life begin with you.

This is my love for you, Amber.