Well, this ended up longer than I thought. Probably the longest oneshot I've ever written, ever. No regrets, though.

And, I mentioned quite a bunch about the mental illness, Schizophrenia. I tried to browse it, but because I was too lazy, so I just used the things about the illness that I remember. I have an interest of the subject, but never really learned it. So there might be mistakes in this story regarding the illness, forgive me in advance.

Still, I hope you all would enjoy!!

****

When the door finally opened after Tiffany knocked it a few times, she expected her new roommate, who had lived there first way before her, would greet her with at least, a smile.

She did it first though, followed with a slight bow and a short introduction,

“Hi, I’m Tiffany! I’m your new roommate!”

But the girl, who opened the door for her, didn’t even smile a bit.

She stared at Tiffany deeply as if the latter was a strange creature. Tiffany knew the girl was about to smile, but it faltered even before it formed. Her eyes were widely opened in a shocked way. And it made Tiffany’s wide grin erased slowly. Did she knock the wrong room? Or was this girl not informed before?

“Uh…” Tiffany slightly cringed, the girl made her feel like she was a terrifying ghost or something, “what’s… what’s wrong?”

Hearing her voice made the girl snap back into reality, “O-oh n-nothing. Yeah, umm… p-please come in.”

She stuttered as she pushed the door further for Tiffany to walk in. Her hand was holding the doorknob so tight until her knuckles turned white. Tiffany tried not to show her slight discomfort by how the girl acted and just quickly got in with her belongings. The dorm looked neat, though. It was quite huge, with a small living room, a small kitchen with a mini dining table, and two separated bedrooms.

Nice, nice. Tiffany nodded in content before she turned around to the girl, who was still… well, glued to the door.

“So… which one is my room?”

The girl hesitated at first before she pointed at the bedroom on Tiffany’s right, “Y-your room’s that one… uh…”

“Tiffany. I’m Tiffany. And you are?”

“J-Jessica. I’m Jessica.”

“Ah, okay. Hello, Jessica. It’s nice meeting--”

Tiffany couldn’t even finish her sentence because the girl, named Jessica, quickly walked past through her to the bedroom on Tiffany’s left, and closed the door quite harshly, which startled her. She frowned at that. What was that all about?

This Jessica girl was totally weird.

But because Tiffany was too tired, she decided not to think too much about it and just take a long rest. It was already late, and there would still be the next day.

-

She hoped for the next day her new roommate would act normal, or at least if she felt sort of uncomfortable with Tiffany around, she could just tell her. They were going to stay together for a pretty long time, at least until one of them graduated from the university. So they needed to get, at least, comfortable around each other.

But sadly, it didn’t happen.

Tiffany tried to greet her good morning, she answered back, still stuttering, keeping her head down, before she rushed to leave the dorm right away. Later after the lecture finished, Tiffany came back first, and when Jessica got home, she said hi, asked how Jessica’s day was, and the girl only stuttered ‘fine’ before she, again, locked herself in her room.

It didn’t just happen many times. It happened every day.

And of course, it frustrated Tiffany.

Two weeks passed, and things got slightly better. Jessica stopped stuttering. And she talked a bit more. Tiffany could learn that Jessica was a year her senior, majoring in law and also sometimes joining the literature class. But they were still too distant.

In her whole life, Tiffany always did in befriending people. She was a people person. She could easily get close to new friends. But the case was different with Jessica. The girl just… closed herself. As if Tiffany would do bad things to her. She couldn’t even look at the latter in the eye for more than one second.

More than a month passed, and Tiffany, being patient and curious, started finding a way.

“Hey,”

She slightly elbowed Sunny who was busy typing on her laptop beside her.

“Hmm?”

“Do you, by any chance, know Jessica Jung?”

Sunny stopped typing and turned her head at Tiffany, “Who?”

“Jessica Jung, law major.”

“Ah,” She nodded, “I’ve heard about her. She’s in the same age as us but she’s our senior, right? My friends in law major say that she’s smart. Why?”

“She’s my roommate. And uh… she’s weird.”

“Weird? Like what?”

“It’s been more than a month since we lived together like, in the same room, but… I don’t know, she kind of keeps herself. Like… she doesn’t avoid me anymore but she doesn’t approach me either. It’s like she’s… scared of me or something. She’s weird, like totally weird. I mean, do I look scary? I don’t look scary, right?”

Sunny frowned, “Well… maybe she’s just simply introverted? My friends say she’s kind of like that too at first. Probably she just needs some more time.”

“But don’t you think a month’s too long? We see each other like every day, and it’s been a month.”

A shrug, “I don’t know. You go talk to her.”

“You don’t know how many times I’ve tried.” Tiffany sighed, “It’s tiring.”

“Well then… keep trying? I’m sure I heard that she’s nice. So don’t worry too much.”

Tiffany wasn’t so sure, but she too, never heard any bad rumors about Jessica, aside of her being introverted. She leaned her back with another sigh. Maybe she just needed to be extra patient befriending this certain roommate.

-

It was kind of late when Tiffany finally reached the dorm. She had just finished a group project. As she climbed up the stairs, her hand massaged the back of her neck. When she was about to open her room’s door, it suddenly opened from inside and a girl walked out.

It wasn’t Jessica.

The girl smiled and bowed at her, which Tiffany returned the same, before she made her way to downstairs. Tiffany stood still for a moment after the girl left. Was that Jessica’s friend? She wasn’t going to lie, it actually surprised her in an odd way that Jessica had a friend. It wasn’t her fault that the girl refused to interact normally with her for the past month so she thought Jessica had no friend.

Shrugging, she came inside. Jessica was sitting on the dining table, with papers scattered, working on something. Their eyes met, and Tiffany smiled, but Jessica of course, didn’t do the same. Tiffany was already used to it, though, unexpectedly.

About half an hour later, Tiffany finished showering. Jessica still hadn’t finished with the thing she was doing. After she put her dirty clothes into its place, Tiffany walked to the dining room, to Jessica.

“Jessica?”

The busy girl stopped writing and looked up at Tiffany, “Yes?”

“I ran out of toothpaste. Can I use some of yours? Only for today though, I’ll buy mine tomorrow. Can I?”

“Ah, sure. You can. It’s inside the upper shelf.”

“Alright. Thanks.” Tiffany smiled, actually relieved that Jessica said yes, “By the way, what are you working--”

When Tiffany put her hand on the table, her fingers almost touching Jessica’s, the latter instantly pulled her hand away. Tiffany was startled, and silenced. It surprised her, in a very, very bad way.

She didn’t even want to be touched by Tiffany? What the hell?

“S-sorry, Tiffany. But I-I’m busy.” Jessica looked down, her hands intertwining so tightly to one another on her lap, “Y-you can use my toothpaste.”

Tiffany opened to speak, but she closed it again and just nodded in silence. She pulled herself away to the bathroom and locked the door as quiet as she could. Once she was inside, she let out a muffled groan.

What actually was wrong with that girl?

There was no step heading forward in Tiffany’s effort. It was actually the first time ever Jessica acted like that toward her. Tiffany didn’t even intend to hold Jessica’s hand. Why was she still acting as if Tiffany brought deadly virus with her? What was wrong in being touched by her?

And she stuttered too, after some peaceful time, she did it again.

Sighing, Tiffany opened the upper shelf and took out Jessica’s toothpaste. It’s okay, she tried to cheer herself, it’s okay. At least she let her use the toothpaste. And Jessica was indeed weird since the first place anyway. It wasn’t impossible if she was actually even weirder than what Tiffany had expected.

Even though she hoped that it wasn’t going to be true.

-

Every morning Jessica would wake up so early before Tiffany. So when it was Tiffany’s turn to wake up, Jessica was ready to go, while munching a slice of bread. They never ate together, be it breakfast, lunch, or dinner. The dining table was basically Jessica’s place to finish her assignment. Sometimes she left her papers there too. Tiffany read those out of curiosity one time, and she found herself yawning at the things she didn’t understand.

That day Tiffany had no lecture. She woke up a little bit earlier and slumped herself on the couch in the living room, watching TV. She could hear slight noises from Jessica’s bedroom. Probably she was preparing to go.

Minutes later Jessica exited her bedroom, carrying her backpack on one hand. Jessica still used a backpack. Tiffany actually found it cute but of course she didn’t tell. They didn’t greet each other. Tiffany was still a bit sleepy and Jessica… was being Jessica.

Tiffany watched as Jessica walked back and forth gathering papers. When she opened her backpack to put the papers inside, something fell from it onto the floor right in front of Tiffany. And the latter saw it clearly.

Pills.

Jessica’s hand was faster in reaching it before Tiffany and gripped it tight in her palm, hiding it from the latter. Tiffany stood up, stared at Jessica in silence. Jessica avoided Tiffany’s eyes, quickly put the papers and also the pills inside her backpack. She then pulled one strap to one shoulder and walked away.

“Wait, Jessica--” Tiffany slightly grasped Jessica’s shirt and the latter roughly pulled her arm away.

“No, don’t!”

“What, why? What’s wrong--”

“Just don’t, okay?!” Jessica backed away.

“What do you mean-- what-- Jessica, come on, don’t hold grudges against me. What did I do wrong?”

“No, no, it’s not that! I-it’s not you, okay? It’s me.”

“What--”

“I have to go now, I have to go now. Please d-don’t mind me.”

With that Jessica turned around and didn’t even look back when Tiffany called her name. Once again she left Tiffany being clueless, hopeless, and frustrated. Tiffany sighed with one hand rubbing her forehead. She couldn’t let this go on forever. She definitely had to do something about it.

-

“Jessica,”

Tiffany turned around after she had turned off the faucet and found Jessica, who had just gone home from her lecture, standing by her bedroom’s door. The day off was supposed to be relaxing. But it was far from that because the thoughts of Jessica bothered Tiffany all day long. Jessica and her… was weird still enough to describe her behavior now?

Jessica’s hand reached the doorknob, and for one second Tiffany thought she’d dismiss her even before she could say one thing. But Jessica didn’t. She stood there, her head down, probably waiting for Tiffany to start.

“We should fix this.” Tiffany said, slowly, afraid if she spit out wrong words that would make Jessica freak out like she did the morning before, “You should talk to me.”

The way Jessica budged and gripped the doorknob tight made Tiffany wonder, did she say something wrong? Or was it basically like, everything that came out from Tiffany’s mouth was wrong to her?

God damn it, Jessica.

“No.” Jessica then said, still looking down, avoiding Tiffany’s eyes.

Tiffany raised her eyebrows, “No?”

“Yes, no.”

“What do you mean ‘no’? You wouldn’t talk to me?”

“Like I said, don’t mind me.” Jessica looked up this time, bravely stared at Tiffany, “It’s not you, but me.”

“Alright, okay, let’s say that I agree that it’s you not me, okay? But what? What is it about you? And do you really think I’m not bothered by it?”

Jessica only pursed her lips, her eyes darted to somewhere else.

“We’re roommates, Jessica. We live together. Okay, we’re indeed not close but… but this is weird, okay? This is all weird! If you’re going to treat me like that forever, then at least tell me why.”

Jessica quickly shook her head, “You won’t understand.”

“Well then, enlighten me?”

“No, no. It’s complicated.” Jessica pushed the bedroom door open.

“Jessica, come on--”

But Jessica simply didn’t listen as she got inside and locked the door. Tiffany stood there, dumbfounded and annoyed as hell. Really, this was as frustrating as her lectures, if not more. She sighed loudly, by purpose so that Jessica could hear her. The next time she had a chance to talk to Jessica, she wouldn’t take it easy. Jessica had to talk.

And little did she knows, Jessica then disappeared for days.

-

Three days. It had been three days.

Tiffany angrily threw a bag of candies into her shopping bag with a heavy grunt. She ran out of sweets, because of Jessica. Well, not really because of her. But Tiffany was too upset so she just blamed it on her, she didn’t care.

One unexpected thing from Jessica, the girl actually liked sweets. She had them, a lot of them, being put in the kitchen. And she willingly shared with Tiffany too, since the latter couldn’t spend a day without sweets. Jessica was… fortunately kind that way so Tiffany didn’t have to buy sweets by herself for these past months because Jessica had already did it for both of them.

To think about it, Jessica had some simple kindness like that in her that Tiffany never expected. It made her somehow, still hold on her hope that actually Jessica was a better person inside, even though super weird outside.

But the girl hadn’t gone home for three days. Three freaking days until the sweets in the kitchen ran out, and Tiffany had to buy it this time. See, it was Jessica’s fault all along.

Tiffany hated it. She knew it wasn’t her fault, like what’s wrong in trying to talk to Jessica? But she still felt guilty, somehow. The last time she saw her was that night, and then the girl simply disappeared. Tiffany didn’t have her number, didn’t know her friends, she knew nothing. She even thought Jessica moved out, but her stuffs were still there.

She headed home gloomily, constantly sighing while swinging the plastic bag with sweets inside that she had bought. Would Jessica show up today? Most likely no, Tiffany didn’t hope much. Just… whatever.

She thought she would just slump herself on the couch and eat the sweets she bought for the rest of the day, but the thoughts quickly vanished as she came in, and the dorm wasn’t empty like the past three days.

“Stop taking it, I said!”

There was Jessica, with a girl, the same girl Tiffany once met. They turned their heads and stopped… quarreling, Tiffany wasn’t sure, when the latter came inside without knocking. Well, why should she knock anyway, this was her place.

Jessica, and the girl, looked at her in silence and Tiffany only grasped the plastic bag in her hand tightly, didn’t know what to do.

Then suddenly Jessica groaned and rushed forward, almost stumbled on Tiffany, and exited the dorm, ignoring her friend who was calling her name.

Tiffany needed a moment to comprehend what had just happened. Okay… what was that? Did they fight?

“Ugh, really…”

She heard the girl mumble so she turned at her. The girl had something in her hand. And it was pills. Jessica’s pills.

“Umm… I’m sorry about that.” She said, politely to Tiffany with an apologetic smile, “But… you’re Tiffany, right?”

The girl knew her name. So… did Jessica say something about her?

“It’s fine. And yes, I am Tiffany.”

The girl smiled slightly wider, “I’m Taeyeon, Jessica’s friend. And if you don’t mind, can we talk, Tiffany?”

-

Tiffany just couldn’t take her eyes off of the thing on the table in front of the couch, the small, white pills inside some kind of a mini transparent receptacle. What were those pills? What were they for?

“I’ve always wanted to talk to you for a little while, but I just couldn’t seem to find the right time. Now I’m glad that I can properly meet you.”

She looked up at Jessica’s friend, Taeyeon, who walked from the kitchen with two glasses of orange juice. Ah, right. It must be Jessica’s orange juice in the refrigerator. Tiffany felt kind of strange, though. Taeyeon acted like she was the one who lived here instead of Tiffany.

Taeyeon put the glasses on the table before sitting on the couch aside from where Tiffany was sitting. She was so polite, though, so Tiffany liked her.

“Before you came, I often had sleepovers here with Jessica. So that’s why I’m familiar with this room.” Taeyeon said, probably she could read Tiffany’s mind.

“Ah, I see…” Tiffany nodded her head. So she must be quite close with Jessica.

“So, umm… firstly, I want to say sorry of what you’ve been through, being Jessica’s roommate. I know how she acts in front of you and I know you’re uncomfortable with it, so I’m really sorry for that, Tiffany.”

Hearing Taeyeon’s apology over and over for something she, herself, didn’t even do actually made Tiffany feel bad.

“No, that’s fine. I’m kind of used to it now, I guess. Well, I… tried to talk to her, though. Never worked.”

Taeyeon smiled and nodded, “I know you did, and you meant good. She told me.”

Tiffany couldn’t help but frown hearing that. So Jessica did say something about her to Taeyeon, then.

“What did she say about me?”

“Well, pretty a lot of things. And I know she wouldn’t ever tell you no matter how many times you convinced her, so, in her behalf, I’m going to explain it to you. The reason why she’s being so… I don’t know, how do you describe it?”

“Uh… weird?”

“Yeah, okay, weird.” Taeyeon chuckled, “There’s a reason behind it, Tiffany. It’s kind of complicated, but I hope you’d understand.”

Tiffany nodded her head and listened, curious.

“Alright, umm… Tiffany,” Taeyeon pursed her lips, probably thinking of how she would start it, before she then asked the other girl slowly, “have you ever heard of Schizophrenia?”

-

It was almost 9PM. Jessica hadn’t returned.

Tiffany sighed, her two hands holding Jessica’s pills and busied herself by toying it around. She was still waiting for Jessica. The past three days Jessica slept in Taeyeon’s room, because the latter’s roommate was away. But Taeyeon told her that her roommate had came back, so she could assure Tiffany that Jessica would no longer disappear.

After the pretty long and confusing talk she had with Taeyeon, Tiffany finally understood.

Schizophrenia.

Tiffany had heard of it before, she couldn’t remember when exactly, but she never knew what it meant until Taeyeon, who turned out to be a psychiatrist-soon-to-be, explained it to her. She never learned anything about medical things, so Taeyeon’s super long explanation was now already a blur to her. The point was, a Schizophrenic was someone who couldn’t distinguish between reality and delusion, because something was wrong with their brain.

And Jessica was a recovered Schizophrenic.

Taeyeon told her that Jessica had a pretty realistic delusion, back then. Or to make it easy, Jessica had an imaginary friend that only she could see, because the friend wasn’t even real, it was only her delusion. It sounded nonsense, but it did happen, and it took a long time for Jessica to recover.

Tiffany couldn’t understand at first. Like, what did Jessica’s status as a former Schizophrenic have something to do with her? Okay, she was once diagnosed with that, but then so what?

The answer was simple. Taeyeon said that according to Jessica, Tiffany really, really resembled her imaginary friend.

And it frightened the hell out of her.

Jessica was afraid of Tiffany. She knew Tiffany was, well… real, but she couldn’t help but think at times if she was being delusional or not because of how alike Tiffany and her imaginary friend were, according to her, since nobody ever saw that so-called friend. Taeyeon said it was normal, but it didn’t mean she would let Jessica be trapped in confusion and panic like that.

The pills turned out to be Jessica’s medicine. Since she actually had recovered, she should’ve stopped taking it. But most likely because of her fear of Tiffany, Taeyeon said Jessica started taking it again.

So Jessica was right. It was indeed complicated.

Tiffany actually hoped that Taeyeon would accompany her a little longer, probably even until Jessica returned from wherever she went, but the girl couldn’t. She just asked for Tiffany’s help and then left. She seemed pretty relaxed regarding Jessica’s condition, though. Probably it wasn’t something to be overly worried for? Hopefully.

Tiffany still remembered the last thing Taeyeon said to her before she left.

On the bright side, Tiffany, I finally have an image of how her imaginary friend looked like.

Okay… at least it had a bright side.

The clock hanging on the wall showed five minutes to half past 9PM when Tiffany heard a faint sound of the door being opened. Tiffany tiredly looked up, meeting another tired face. They didn’t smile at each other. Jessica’s eyes looked down and Tiffany knew the former was staring at the pills in Tiffany’s hands.

Tiffany put the pills down onto the table and stood up. She slowly walked to Jessica, who thankfully didn’t budge or even back away. They stood pretty close to each other, probably the closest they had ever.

“Taeyeon told me.” Tiffany started after she took a deep breath, “About you.”

Jessica’s shoulders sagged as she nodded, “I know.”

“I understand now.”

It took Jessica quite a while before she nodded again, “Thank you.”

They went silent for a moment. The only voice around them was the clock’s tickling. Tiffany observed Jessica, and the latter still looked as hesitant as the usual.

“So are you still… scared of me now?”

Jessica didn’t answer.

“You still are, aren’t you?”

The girl forced a lopsided smile, “Don’t mind me, Tiffany. I should just--”

When Jessica tried to leave, Tiffany grasped her arm, “No, Jessica. Listen to me.”

Jessica’s eyes widened, terrified, “Let me go, please. Tiffany--”

“No, listen to me. You’re not--”

“P-please let me go.”

“No--”

“Just get off of me!”

“It’s not coming back!”

Tiffany harshly pushed Jessica until her back hit the door, and held both her arms so that the girl wouldn’t go anywhere.

“Your delusion is not coming back, Jessica.” Tiffany said, softly this time, “This is real, not a dream. You are not dreaming, okay?”

Jessica shook her head, panicked, “No, no, don’t do this to me! Please--”

“Look at me!” Tiffany cupped Jessica’s cheeks and forced the girl to look at her, “Look at me. I’m here with you. This is real. You are not being delusional. I am real.”

Jessica stared at her, in silence, her rushed breath steadying. Tiffany waited until Jessica calmed, before she brought her hands down and let go of Jessica completely. Jessica leaned her body on the door behind her, her eyes softening.

“So this isn’t a dream.” She mumbled, a slight smile formed on her lips as she murmured more to herself than to Tiffany, “You’re here. I can see you. Taeyeon can see you too. So I’m not dreaming. So you’re real. This is real.”

Tiffany smiled back and nodded.

Jessica looked at her, and smiled even wider as if Tiffany was the treasure she had been longing for.

Without saying any word, Jessica suddenly pulled Tiffany to a hug, and it stiffened the latter. A pair of arms wrapped around her and hugged her so tight it almost choked her. Jessica buried her face in Tiffany’s hair. A happy sigh escaped her lips as she whispered,

“You’re here…”

Tiffany was stunned for a second, before she hesitantly returned the hug and patted Jessica’s back saying, “Yes. I’m here.”

-

The atmosphere between them was way, way better after that.

That night Tiffany took over the dining table to finish her assignment before Jessica could do it. She realized it was actually comfortable working things there instead of inside the bedroom. She could do it freely now since Jessica had changed a lot. She became more relaxed from time to time. They weren’t that close but at least both of them were in a better manner now. Even though they hadn’t talked since that last time.

After she had finished washing the dishes, Jessica joined Tiffany on the dining table. Tiffany could catch from the corner of her eye that the former was staring at her.

“You know, I always wonder,” Tiffany started, was still busy with the papers, “how alike am I to her until the point you can’t stop staring at me?”

Hearing that, Jessica only smiled.

“It was a she, right?”

“Yes.” Jessica nodded, “You just… look a lot like her.”

Tiffany put down her pen, suddenly was interested in the topic about this imaginary friend, “Oh, yeah? How was she like?”

Jessica hummed, staring into the thin air, reminiscing, “She was… I don’t really know how to describe her. I started seeing her in my first year of high school, after… after an unfortunate event one night.”

The night when Jessica’s parents fought strongly in front of her until the point of her father hitting her mother. Taeyeon told Tiffany that.

“She just kept on appearing on random times, random places. I thought she was stalking me or something. But then we became close. She liked to share her stories with me. And, I don’t know, coincidentally, her stories were similar to my life.”

Most times the imaginary things or people whom a Schizophrenic encounters are a reflection of a part of them, of their life, and the world around them. Basically those are themselves, only in different objects.

Those words from Taeyeon suddenly flashed in Tiffany’s mind.

“I… thought she was real. But apparently she wasn’t.” Jessica looked down, pursing her lips, “After more than ten months, I took Taeyeon to meet her. She was there. I remember that she was there. But Taeyeon of course, couldn’t see her. We fought afterward. I asked other people too, and all of them said that I was insane.”

Tiffany nodded her head. It must’ve been bad.

“Shortly, Taeyeon, who was already interested in medical and mental illness, took me to a doctor. I was later diagnosed with Schizophrenia. I received treatments, medications, and I recovered. I don’t see her anymore now. Never again.”

The sadness in Jessica’s eyes was too obvious for Tiffany to ignore. She might not understand how something, or someone, who wasn’t even real to begin with, could be engrossed in someone’s mind like that. How could Jessica see her? How realistic was this imaginary friend to her?

But real or not aside, Tiffany was sure that Jessica must’ve missed that friend so much.

“Do you miss her?”

Jessica lifted her head to stare at her, and she nodded slowly. She then surged forward, crossing her arms on the table, and smiled at Tiffany. Smiled. Like really, smiled at her.

“So I want to thank you, Tiffany. Thank you for being here.”

Tiffany wasn’t sure how to react, because Jessica had never done this before, smiling and staring at her at the same time, so she could only awkwardly nod and continue doing her assignment with her head down.

Awesome, so Jessica was quite the charmer too, huh?

-

Jessica went home early every Thursday, Tiffany had figured. Only that particular day, though. So when Tiffany got home that Thursday, she wasn’t really surprised that Jessica was already there. But the thing that day was, Jessica welcomed her with a smile as soon as she came inside.

And great, Tiffany still had no idea how to properly react at that smile.

“Hi, Tiffany.”

And at the greeting too.

Well, Jessica changed so much.

“Uh… yeah, hi.” Tiffany awkwardly said back, “You’re… home early.”

Jessica nodded as she walked to the kitchen, “Have you eaten?”

And at the… wait, did Jessica just ask her if she had eaten?

“I’ll cook you something.”

And at the… okay, that was unexpected.

Jessica then turned around and put her palms on the dining table, smiling at the dumbfounded Tiffany, “So?”

“Ah, I…” Tiffany tried to compose her confused self, “no, I haven’t eaten yet.”

“Alright. Want me to cook pasta? Do you like pasta?”

Tiffany frowned, “Pasta? Uh… I don’t… I think I don’t really like pasta.”

Jessica did the same, “Oh, you don’t?”

Tiffany shook her head slowly with an apologetic grin.

“Ah, sorry.” Jessica chuckled, “She liked pasta, so thought you liked it too.”

Tiffany’s grin faded slowly hearing that.

She liked pasta.

Right, of course. Tiffany looked like Jessica’s past imaginary friend. Right.

“Let’s cook something else, then.” Jessica opened the refrigerator, “Hmm… what do we have here… what do you want, Tiffany?”

Tiffany didn’t exactly know how it felt, so she just shrugged and made her way to her bedroom, a bit grumpy.

“Whatever you like is fine. Even pasta.”

She didn’t mean it, of course. But when she went out minutes later, Jessica really did cook pasta for them, still with the smile that… for that time, annoyed Tiffany more than mesmerized her.

But wait, why did she even get annoyed or mesmerized at the first place, though?

-

Tiffany yawned as she exited her bedroom. Jessica was still awake that time, working on her assignment as usual. She smiled at Tiffany and the latter lazily did the same. She walked to the kitchen and opened the small drawer where their sweets were placed. She took whatever was inside and munched it impatiently.

She couldn’t sleep, and was craving for sweets. Thankfully, the sweets were there.

“Do you like sweets that much?”

Jessica asked, and Tiffany turned around to her, but the former was busy writing and didn’t spare a glance at her. Tiffany wanted to say ‘yes’, but she felt like Jessica didn’t exactly… mean to ask her that.

“Why? Did she also like sweets as much as me?” She asked, jokingly.

Jessica chuckled, flipping the papers on the table, “She actually kind of despised sweets. It ruined your teeth, she said. Actually I’m a bit surprised that you like sweets like I do, unlike her. In a good way, of course.”

Tiffany stopped munching and tried to hold her scoff. Okay, technically it was her fault because she brought her up first, but she knew even though she didn’t, Jessica would do it sooner. Because it was all her to Jessica. Right.

She was annoyed. But really, why was she annoyed?

After taking a bunch of gummy candies in her hand, Tiffany shoved the bag into the drawer, and walked back to her bedroom. Jessica said good night and sleep tight to her, but Tiffany was too annoyed to return so she just hummed loudly.

This was getting pretty annoying lately.

-

Your lecture today has finished, right? When are you going to go home?

Tiffany sighed as she put her phone down. She was… frustrated? Confused? Annoyed? She didn’t even know. Probably all of them combined.

“Hey, I want to ask you something.”

Pushing her phone aside, she turned to Sunny beside her. The girl nodded and crossed her arms, ready to listen.

“How if there’s someone who… cares a lot for you, like… well, they weren’t like that before but after you turned out to be… alike to someone they once knew, so they became like, very care of you. Yeah, you know, it’s kind of strange to someone who back then barely even talked to you, and now of all sudden, became very affectionate, say it like that.”

Sunny nodded her head again.

“So, my question is, do you think they actually really care about you?”

“No.”

Tiffany blinked, a bit surprised of Sunny’s quick reply, “No?”

“Yes, no.”

“Why?”

“Because hmm… you said they became very caring after knowing that you’re alike to someone they knew, so it means, no, they don’t care about you. Well, yeah they do care but it’s because of that special someone they knew. Because you remind them of that someone. That’s why they care.”

Tiffany exhaled a heavy breath hearing that. She wasn’t stupid. She knew Sunny was right.

“It’s just my opinion, though.” Sunny said with a shrug, “Why did you ask? Are you being treated like that by someone?”

“Uh… kind of? I think…”

“Wow. Who is it? Do I know them?”

“No, no, you don’t.” Tiffany quickly shook her head, too lazy to tell, “No big deal, though. I’m just… curious, that’s all.”

“Oh, really?” Sunny raised her eyebrows, “Are you sure it’s not because you like them or something?”

A deep frown, “What? No! I don’t like them, I don’t. I’m just curious of why they suddenly act like that.”

Right. She didn’t like her, right? Of course she didn’t. She was just simply curious, and also annoyed as hell. Right.

“Alright.” The shorter girl only nodded at that, “But you know, we can’t really judge a person by a simple assumption like that. Well, we don’t know what’s in their heart, right? Probably they genuinely care about you, who knows?”

Tiffany half agreed with that, but she nodded in agreement, anyway.

“Yeah, you’re probably right.”

-

Jessica handed her the DVD and Tiffany observed it. Everything the opposite of her first impression of Jessica happened one by one and Tiffany was starting to get used to it. Taeyeon was right. She told her that Jessica was unexpected. Yeah, totally unexpected. Sometimes in a good way, but most times those were far from that.

We once watched this movie together. I wonder if you like it too.

Tiffany almost rolled her eyes at that.

Because honestly, was she comfortable being cared of but not because of who she was, but because of someone else? It almost went up to her nerves, but when Jessica actually stood there, in front of her, smiled, Tiffany just… couldn’t refuse.

And she also didn’t know how to feel every time she accidentally encountered Taeyeon in campus or the dorm, and the girl would always thank her because Jessica looked happier these past times. Okay, she was glad she could make her happy, but she, herself, was irritated to the bones.

It was a romantic kind of movie. Jessica said she liked the movie. But apparently, the same thing didn’t go for Tiffany.

“Romance isn’t actually my kind of movie, though…”

“Oh, really?” Jessica slightly frowned, “I thought you liked it. Should we watch another movie that you like?”

“No, no, it’s okay. I don’t hate romance movies, just not my style. We can watch this movie.”

Soon she found herself seated on the couch with Jessica beside her, watching the romantic movie. Tiffany had never watched it before, so it was quite okay for her. Then she felt Jessica nudged her arm, telling her that she had put the big bowl of sweets in between them. It could make Tiffany smile a bit even though she was kind of upset.

In the middle of the movie, which turned out to be boring, as expected, Tiffany stole a glance at Jessica. Judging from the way she hummed to the songs in the movie, she must’ve had watched this for at least ten times. And she smiled a lot too watching it. It led the same from Tiffany, unconsciously.

Jessica’s smile was just… something else. And Tiffany would congratulate herself for bearing with her annoyance and inner refusal because she always got Jessica’s smile in the end. It was all worth it.

Yeah, right, worth it.

Wait, what?

Tiffany’s smile faltered and she quickly jerked her head to somewhere else. What was that? No, of course not. Jessica was an oblivious jerk and Tiffany hated her for it. Right. What was she even thinking?

Just when Tiffany had finished assuring herself, she almost gasped seeing a gummy candy was being shoved in her face, by Jessica.

“What?” Jessica raised her eyebrows at Tiffany’s reaction, “You haven’t touched the sweets since the movie started. We’re supposed to eat this together.”

Tiffany wanted to say no, thanks, you can eat it by yourself but who was she to refuse under a smile like that?

So she awkwardly nodded and took the gummy candy by her finger before putting it in , munching it slowly.

Seriously, she was losing her mind.

-

Her ear was red. Burning red.

Tiffany grasped her phone tightly, in a verge of breaking it. The phone call would’ve killed her ear if she didn’t end it quickly. The voice of her father shouting on the other line could still be heard ringing in her head. She didn’t like it. She hated it. Out of all times, her father decided to pick a fight with her now. When she was also in a frantic mode thanks to her inhuman assignments.

Amazing.

It was actually something very common in her life, fighting with her father. But it didn’t make it less sickening.

Stomping her feet, she made her way back from the dorm’s balcony to the room. It was a good thing the balcony was empty. Hopefully nobody caught her shouting on the phone. She just wanted to lock herself because at this rate, she would explode to anybody who bothered her. For someone who rarely got angry, when she actually did, she could become a person nobody wanted to mess up with.

So she opened the door roughly and headed straight to her bedroom. Her hand grabbed the doorknob and was about to open it, before she heard someone calling her name.

Well, who else?

Tiffany took a very, very deep breath and tried her best to hang on her diminishing patience.

“What?” She asked, without turning her head to Jessica.

“Do you want to go grocery shopping with me?”

It took a very high effort for Tiffany not to scoff.

“No.”

“No?”

“I don’t like grocery shopping.”

It was true, though. She didn’t like it. For her, it was tiring, and she preferred buying things according to her mood, not needs.

“Ah, you don’t? She liked it, though. Why don’t you--”

“Because I am not her!” Tiffany snapped as she turned to Jessica. It was her fault for mentioning her that Tiffany’s patience reached its limit, “When are you going to stop seeing me as her? Fine, I look like her, but I am not her! Sorry to burst your bubble, but just so you know, it’s tiring being compared over and over to someone I don’t even know. So stop doing that. I’m sick of it.”

Jessica only stood still in silence until Tiffany got inside her bedroom and slammed the door hard. But Tiffany didn’t care, though. She really, really didn’t care.

-

With a sigh, Tiffany slumped herself onto one of the seats in the campus’ canteen.

Great. Just great. She wasn’t supposed to feel like this, when all of her outburst at Jessica was true, not made up. She should feel satisfied instead. Because finally, she could tell the girl how she really felt all this time.

But she just couldn’t get rid of the guilt in her chest.

Well, she was so annoyed at that time because of her father, so it wasn’t her fault either that she blew up. So in the morning when she already felt better, she wanted to talk to Jessica. But the girl was nowhere to be seen. She left so early in the morning, and didn’t leave a note on the refrigerator like usual.

There were also no small bags of candies and a glass of strawberry milk on the dining table, the morning alarm also rang loudly without anybody turning it off, no text asking when she would go home, just no Jessica. Nothing.

And it hit her. At how different everything was without Jessica doing it.

Tiffany realized it right away, when she found the dining table was empty, when she had to run with her eyes half closed just to turn off the annoying alarm, and when she checked her phone unconsciously but there was no text she received. It was different. It made her feel bad. Really bad.

She knew Jessica cared about her. She was well aware of that. But why just as Jessica stopped doing it, she actually realized how much the girl actually had taken care of her?

And the day hadn’t even ended, for God’s sake.

Tiffany ruffled her hair with a groan. She hated this feeling. She hated it so much.

“Hey, Tiffany!”

Suddenly, someone came and joined her. Tiffany looked up, and it was Taeyeon. She smiled widely at the former, and she could only purse her lips at that.

“What’s with the long face?”

Tiffany bit her lip. Should she tell Taeyeon? Probably Jessica had already did before her anyway, so it probably would be okay.

“I uh… I fought with Jessica.”

Taeyeon looked surprised, “Oh, you did?”

“Yeah, you didn’t know?”

“She didn’t tell me.”

“Ah, she didn’t…”

The other girl shook her head, “Yeah, she didn’t. What happened?”

“Umm… actually it was me who kind of… snapped at her. I was annoyed at the moment and… I don’t know, she just couldn’t stop bringing her in every conversation regarding me. It made me… I don’t know, I don’t like it. I know we’re alike and whatever but… I don’t like it. I never do.”

“Ah, I see…”

“But now I actually feel pretty bad. I didn’t know she actually… had cared for me a little much more than I thought. You know, you hardly ever realize something around you until it stops happening, or it goes away. This .”

Taeyeon only nodded at that. If it was one thing so likeable about Taeyeon, was that she never looked like she was judging you. She was a good listener. Tiffany agreed that Taeyeon chose a right path to become a psychiatrist.

“Do I even make sense?”

“Of course you do, why wouldn’t you? So… all this time you never actually… like, comfortable in Jessica mentioning her imaginary friend?”

“At first I was okay. But then… I get very annoyed at that.” Tiffany admitted, “Is that a bad thing?”

“No, of course not. It’s actually normal.”

“Normal?”

“Mm-hmm.” Taeyeon smiled, so very psychiatrist-like, “But Tiffany, tell me honestly. Do you like Jessica?”

“….. What?”

“Do you like Jessica?”

Tiffany blinked, wasn’t sure how to answer that question.

“You surely don’t realize it, do you? You care a lot of her too. Probably beyond her imaginary friend did to her. You even have the will bearing with her ‘weirdness’ even though I know, you must be very fed-up at that. But you went through. You kept up with her strange acts. So now you realize it, the way she takes care of you isn’t one sided after all, right?”

Tiffany looked down to her lap. Yes, it was right. Taeyeon was right.

“And there’s something I haven’t told you. At first because I kept forgetting, but then I decided because I have to wait for the right time.” Taeyeon continued after Tiffany had looked up to stare at her, “Just so you know, Jessica’s imaginary friend mostly appeared in the most random times ever, and it actually bothered her at most times. Jessica liked being alone, but that friend almost always showed up. So basically, you are wrong if you think so highly about that imaginary friend of hers.”

A frown, “But she’s--”

“I know, Jessica remembers a lot of things about that friend. This, that, what she likes, what she doesn’t, but it because that friend was the one to push herself to Jessica. She was the aggressive one. And because Jessica barely had friends back then, moreover the aggressive ones, so she was kind of… impressed?”

“Impressed?”

“Schizophrenics see themselves in the delusion they have. And it was impressive, for them to get to know someone who has the same story as them. It can be an older version of them, or younger, or at the same age with the exact same condition and situation, or even a bunch of people with the same story combined. So, thinking by that logic, they can only get impressed with the delusion. Sometimes because they understand the situation, they try to help their delusion. But not more, Tiffany. Not more.”

The frown was still there. Tiffany still couldn’t understand.

“Their delusion is themselves, Tiffany. So, do you think it’s possible for them to have an unnecessary feeling for themselves?”

And it clicked right away.

“So, like this, umm…” Taeyeon rubbed her palms to one another, “for example, when you were younger, you were being bullied by your friends at school. Then one day, someone suddenly came to you, telling you that they also get bullied at school, just like you. It’s like that for Schizophrenics, for Jessica. Just a reflection of themselves. No more, no less.”

“So… Jessica is--”

“You are wrong if you think Jessica misses her imaginary friend because of something else. She misses her, because her imaginary friend was the only one who shares the same life story as her. And she also feels bad, because real or not, she couldn’t do anything to help her friend out of her problems. She wanted to help her, like she helped herself.”

Taeyeon leaned her back, still with a smile at the stunned Tiffany.

“It’s complicated, yeah, I know.” She chuckled, “But I hope you also know that you are wrong, Tiffany, if you think she cares for you solely because you resemble her past delusion.”

-

It was still heavy. Her steps.

She climbed the stairs slowly. The dorm had no elevators, and her room was on the 4^th floor so it was kind of tiring. She was silent the whole time. Mainly because of Taeyeon’s explanation was still flying around in her head. One thing she was sure that Taeyeon would be a great psychiatrist.

When she reached the 4^th floor, she walked slowly to her room, past the balcony. She turned her head slightly at there, and had to stop seeing that someone was there.

Tiffany stilled. It was Jessica.

Maybe because she heard some footsteps, Jessica, who was sitting on the bench, turned around and met Tiffany’s gaze.

Both of them didn’t say anything.

But Jessica then shifted a bit to her right, and patted the spot beside her. Tiffany felt like the pang on her chest was being lifted a little bit seeing that. Jessica wanted to talk to her. Or maybe not, but at least she asked her to sit beside her. It wasn’t a bad thing. And so Tiffany did it right away.

It was already dark. Tiffany purposely went home late because she wasn’t quite ready to face Jessica. She didn’t know, she just… felt like that.

“Tiffany,”

“I’m--”

They both started simultaneously. Jessica gestured Tiffany to go first but the latter refused.

“No, you first.”

Jessica nodded, and averted her gaze back to the sight in front of them.

“I’m sorry.” She then said, and it kind of surprised Tiffany because she was just about to say the exact same thing, “I know that I must’ve irritated you a lot. Like, ever since the first time you became my new roommate.”

Tiffany half-smiled at that, but she hid it.

“The thing that I realize is, actually Tiffany, the more I know you, the less you resemble her.” She continued, “She liked pasta, you don’t. She hated sweets, you don’t. She liked romantic movies the best, you don’t. She had a high temper, you’re so patient. She’s basically me, and you’re you.”

She could catch with the corner of her eye that Jessica was smiling.

“And she didn’t exist, but you do.”

Tiffany turned her head at Jessica, and the latter was looking down.

“I never actually meant to compare you both. It’s just because you look like her, I had this mindset that everything she had, is in you. But I was wrong. She was me. And I kind of contradict you in so many ways. Except for the sweets part, because I really like it now, even though I hated it when I was much younger.”

Tiffany silently chuckled at that.

“So… I want to say sorry. I know I was being annoying. But… can you please, forgive me? Would you want to… start things over with me?”

“What?”

“I will try to be normal. I won’t bring her up anymore. So please, would you stay with me?”

A slight frown, “What do you mean? Do you think I’d move out?”

Jessica nodded, “Well, you wouldn’t?”

Tiffany laughed in amusement at that, “What makes you think like that? I was just… upset, okay? It doesn’t mean I’d move out.”

Jessica smiled instantly, “So you wouldn’t.”

“I wouldn’t.”

They both smiled at each other and laughed afterward.

“Look,” Tiffany started again, “I was wrong too about you. I thought that you weren’t genuine enough, and all. So, we’re even, okay?  And from now on, let’s stop being annoying to each other. How about that?”

Jessica agreed, “Sounds good.”

“And Jessica, umm… don’t you ever think that you’re not normal. I mean, I know your past illness was something I wasn’t familiar with, and it sounds nonsense at times, but I understand. I can understand. It’s just you really need to stop mentioning her, because you basically telling me about yourself.”

“Alright.” Jessica’s lips formed a lopsided smile, “I will not do it, I promise.”

Tiffany nodded her head and then stood up, walking to the trellis. She smiled at herself. Things were way easier if they could understand each other. And maybe, just maybe, Tiffany would admit right now, that she was so much relieved Jessica would stay with her, and vice versa. Even though she didn’t really know what it meant.

Tiffany didn’t know why, but when Jessica walked to stand beside her, she just… felt like doing it. Probably the craziest thing she had ever done in her whole life. But this time she also didn’t care.

So she grasped Jessica’s wrist and pulled her closer.

“Has she ever stand this close in front of you and then kiss you on the balcony?”

Jessica blinked, flustered, “Uh… no?”

A smirk, “Good. It’s nice to know there’s one less resemblance.”

With that she kissed Jessica, and turned out she was right all along. Everything was indeed worth it. Jessica was worth it all.

****