Mark is at a loss.

He’s never felt so confused before. A year ago, he was titled as perfection. With a smile, he could have anyone and anything he could ever want. Every single classmate of his loved him, and every single teacher he encountered respected him. Everyone wanted to be like him. He had no faults. He had no flaws. He never let anyone take control of his heart, influencing his actions. He saw through everyone. And yet, she so easily became his world. Park Saemi came like a storm.

It just isn’t fair.

He’s the one who has tried so hard. He’s the one that first approached her, and he’s the one who was so affected by her actions. He’s the one who fell in love with her, and he’s the one who will do anything to protect her. He’s the one who spent the last year of his life pursuing her, and yet, he’s the one who’s been rejected twice.

“I can’t be by her side anymore,” Mark finally speaks, his voice just a tad above a whisper, “I just don’t know how. There are too many things that I just don’t understand. Everything I do, they always seem wrong. I never understood what it meant to be normal, so I know that my actions are never quite right. I want to be there for her, and I want to protect her. I so desperately do, but how can I expect myself to do better the next time when I still can’t quite figure it out?”

The man turns to his side, his gaze fixated on the horizon. Judging by the expression Mark was making at that moment, he knew that this subject was difficult for him. But the two of them were finally having a much needed honest talk, and he needed to let the other know just how much Saemi loves him. That false persona was supposed to be an act, but somehow, the lie became the truth, and he witnessed firsthand just how much Saemi cared. That sort of feeling doesn’t just fade in an instant.

“Then are you willing to let her go?”

And suddenly, Mark feels like he can’t breathe.

The thought of himself letting Park Saemi go has never crossed his mind. Yes, he might feel like he should not appear before her, but that wasn’t going to stop him from protecting her from the shadows. If he loses her, then what is his purpose in life? Letting her go was such an insane idea. It was ridiculous. It was preposterous. It was impossible.

The current him can’t wrap his mind around something so painful.

He doesn’t like this feeling. He doesn’t want it, and he doesn’t need it. If he just looks away and pretends that everything is okay, then he wouldn’t need to feel any of these problematic emotions. He was able to contain them so well before, tucked away in the darkest corner of his heart. Even he knew letting them loose was a terrible idea; so who even allowed her to make him let his emotions surface?

But there’s another voice screaming in the back of his mind. It’s lecturing him. It’s telling him that looking away and pretending to be oblivious to the world around him is childish. It’s immature. It’s frustrating him that she won’t give him a chance to re-enter her world. It’s annoying him that she’s making him try so hard. But the most troublesome thing that he realizes is the clearest thought that he has had in awhile.

It doesn’t matter what she is like now, does it?

The past and current her both make up the real her. She isn’t a doll. She isn’t like Mark. She knows what it means to experience these emotions. She’s easily affected by the things that occur around her; he should know that the best. For her to be reacting the way she is now, it must mean that she has thought about him, about her past, for a long time. She feels betrayed. She feels lied to. She feels like she might have made a mistake. All of these things, he should be the one to know her best.

“I… just want to watch over her silently,” Mark tries to be convincing, but it’s so hard to lie. Of course, he wants her to be happy, even if it means taking himself out of the equation, but he wants to obtain that happiness for himself too.

I’ll be happy if she’s happy.

The thought runs through his mind repeatedly, and he truly wants to believe the saying to be true. He constantly reminds himself that her joy was as important as his own; after all, he’s lived without having to be troubled by these dumb feelings that everyone seems to experience. If he does it just right, he can revert back to his old self. If he says it enough times, then maybe he’ll believe it too. But he knows that it’s completely bull. If the truth is that she’s happy without him, then the truth might break him.

The feeling of loving someone is not so easily erased.

The man can easily see the visual flashes of pain and discomfort in Mark’s eyes. The boy was trying so hard to remain calm and collected, but the small tells were giving it away. The young boy had one wish. He just wants things to go back to the way they were before. This is his first time facing all of these emotions head on, and it was his first time experiencing so much turmoil. It was so obvious to him.

“…You really love her, don’t you?”

And suddenly, he is met with flashbacks of her. Words could not describe how troublesome this was for him. He recalls the times where he would hold her in his arms, the warmth he received when she would smile just for him. He can’t forget her touch, her laugh. But most of all, he so vividly remembers the day she left his life to sacrifice herself for his chance to live. He remembers those tears that she shed and how much pain he was in because of it.

But she must’ve been in much more pain that day, right?

The thought of her in remote pain, experiencing the tiniest amount of sadness, overwhelms him. It’s scary how much he needs her in his life. He’s chasing her, not because she needs him to protect her, but because he needs her to help him stay sane. He needs her to smile for him, to laugh for him – well no, that’s not quite right. She needs her to smile with him, to laugh with him. What’s the point of joy if he’s not experiencing it with the person he loves the most?

God, he really doesn’t want to stay in the shadows, unnoticed by her.

That day, Mark Tuan cries for the first time.

His eyes have begun to water, and the man is taken aback. This is the first time he has ever seen Mark cry. It’s the first time Mark has ever seen himself cry. He really doesn’t know what to do anymore. If he just stays in the shadows, then she won’t reject him anymore. If he just stays in the shadows, they can be together forever. He can see her, even if she never sees him. That's okay with him. If he just stops pursuing her from now on, then he won’t somehow make her give him that frightened yet saddened expression. If he just ceases to force his way into her life, then he won’t disappoint her anymore. It’s okay if he just stays in the shadows. It should be enough for him. So long as he doesn’t appear in front of her anymore, then he’s fulfilled her wish, and he should be happy. But if that’s the case, why is he feeling so hopeless?

Why does he feel this excruciating pain in his heart?

He cries with all his heart for the first time since he can remember. So this is what it truly means to love someone. How horrible. It pains the heart indescribably. He’s never been the type to let his self go, but this time, it really can’t be helped. He really can’t contain himself any longer. He’s tried to find his happiness for so long, and here she was, so close yet unattainable.

He’s breaking inside.

That day, the man saw a boy bordering the path of becoming a psychopath transform into that of a lost, young child. The man saw the child show weakness for the first time, and now, he finally understands where his daughter was coming from. He finally sees the Mark Tuan she had so desperately fought for that day.

“How long are you going to be like this?” the man smiles a soft smile, “She’s waiting for you, you know? Somewhere inside of her, the Park Saemi you know is waiting for you to pull her out of the shadows. She’s stubborn, that girl. It might take some time for you to remind her of who you truly are. She might appear to be cold, but don’t tell me you haven’t seen those signs of her heart wavering? Your ways are strange, but they have Mark Tuan written all over them. If you truly loved each other like I know you did, there’s no way she has forgotten something so distinct, so familiar. She’s merely just hiding her awareness.”

He rubs his eyes with the back of his forearm. Everything seems to be happening so suddenly. It might take awhile for her to remember him? What is this man trying to say to him? It almost sounds like he’s trying to give him his approval to date his daughter – but no, it couldn’t be. Who in the right mind would give their own daughter to someone who ranked so high on the psychopathic tendency test? He’s not self-confident like he appears to be. He knows that he has wronged so many people. He doesn’t always think before he acts. He’s a terrible person, and yet, here this man stood.

It was the first time a person so openly believed in someone like him.

“I’m saying this as a father. Please take care of my daughter.”