The ocean smelled salty and fresh, an overwhelming atmosphere in comparison to the frosty forest hideaway Ryeowook had none for over a year. He didn’t quite smile at the view but his heart thrummed with life and that was nearly as good as a smile.

“Have you ever been to the ocean?” YoungSaeng asked, draping an arm around Ryeowook’s shoulders and grinning down at the shorter boy.

He nodded, peering out at the sparkling waves, “Once or twice when I was little. I really liked it…but I can’t swim.”

“What?” the third year gasped, eyes widening, “How are we supposed to have fun if you can’t swim, dummy?” He teasingly smacked Ryeowook on the top of his head. “Naw, it’s alright. I’ll teach you if you want.”

“R-Really?” Ryeowook replied immediately, surprised by the offer. He was about to question the older one’s sudden kindness but then he stopped and grinned unenthusiastically. “You…You’re just trying to get on my good side aren’t you?”

YoungSaeng frowned, “Why would I want to be on your good side?”

“Because Henry is coming back in a few months and you’re afraid I won’t introduce him to you,” he stated, laughing quietly and dodging a flustered punch.

“Get back here you brat!” YoungSaeng roared, kicking his sandals off and chasing the younger boy into the white sand.

Ryeowook was laughing and stumbling through the uneven terrain, yelling back at the person chasing him. Anything he could do to keep his mind far, far away was welcome. The last thing he wanted to do was dwell on Kyuhyun and his own pitiful self. He had no desire to think about the emotions running rampant through his body nor did he wish to mope over the words that could very well send him spiraling into a darker place.

Two warm arms wrapped around Ryeowook’s shoulders, tackling him into the sand. “You run pretty damn fast,” YoungSaeng breathed, chest pounding hard.

“I have a heart condition,” Ryeowook remarked, giggling at the frown directed at him.

“It’s nice today isn’t it?” the older boy sighed, flopping onto his backside and looking up at the high noon sun.

Ryeowook closed his eyes for a moment, breathing in deeply the clean scents. “Yeah, it’s really nice…”

“What are you two doing?” KyuJong called from the shoreline, his bare feet engulfed by the white waves. “Come over here!”

YoungSaeng grumbled under his breath but then stood up, offering his hand to Ryeowook. “C’mon, it’s time to learn how to swim,” he smirked.

“…will I die?” the younger boy prompted softly, taking the standing one’s hand.

“Not likely,” YoungSaeng replied, clasping the slender boy’s hand and jerking him up. He caught Ryeowook around the waist, steadying him.

They headed towards KyuJong and the others. Ryeowook felt hands pressing against his flat stomach, pushing the t-shirt up and over his head. He flushed, covering his skin with crossed arms. “You should’ve said something before doing that,” Ryeowook huffed.

YoungSaeng laughed, slipping his own shirt off and grabbing the shorter one’s upper arm. “You’re still such a kid, Wookie,” he rolled his eyes, abruptly yanking Ryeowook forward and throwing him over one shoulder. “Let’s go in deeper.”

Protests burst from the terrified boy’s mouth, his legs and arms flailing ungracefully. “P-Put me down! I’ve never swam before! Don’t make me do this…,” Ryeowook squeaked, heart beating faster at the prospect of dying.

I’m not going to save you.

He kicked harder, lips trembling. Kyuhyun wouldn’t save him. Kyuhyun wouldn’t save him. Kyuhyun wouldn’t save him. The tears were coming. Ryeowook swallowed them back but the look of pure horror wasn’t missed by his teasing hyungs.

KyuJong struggled through the water, catching YoungSaeng on the shoulder. “Dude…I think he’s seriously panicking,” he said nervously, reaching out with his other hand to touch Ryeowook’s cheek. The boy’s skin was deathly cold and blotchy, dark eyes astoundingly wide. “Yeah, don’t push him.” He sounded distracted or perhaps that’s just how Ryeowook heard it.

Everything was rather warped and indifferently swirling and mangling in his mind. Ryeowook gulped, his dry throat unquenched by the movement. Suddenly he felt his body shifting, the heels of his feet sinking beneath the surface of water.

YoungSaeng shook his slight body. “Yo, what’s wrong? Why are you freaking out?” he demanded, brows knitted together. “We’re not even that deep Ryeowook. It’s only at my waist.”

“...he won’t save me…,” Ryeowook croaked, the words barely coherent. He hadn’t wanted to think about Kyuhyun…so why did he always enter his thoughts? Why couldn’t Ryeowook keep him out for longer than a minute? It was aggravating and painful. Every word he had ever uttered deepened the wounds on Ryeowook’s heart.

Why couldn’t Kyuhyun love him like before?

Why couldn’t they go back?

Why wouldn’t Kyuhyun save him anymore?

“Yo kid, why are you crying?” YoungSaeng was back to shore now, holding Ryeowook close to his chest and trying to rock the boy like he might a sad baby. “What the is this? Are you that scared of swimming? You don’t have to swim.”

Ryeowook shook his head, cracking a very small smile at YoungSaeng’s panicked state. Rarely did you see the third year anything but calm and/or drunk. “No…it’s not that,” he whispered, patting the place over his slightly warmed heart, “…I don’t want to die…that’s why I won’t swim.”

The older one cocked an eyebrow, walking Ryeowook under a large shady umbrella. “I don’t get you Wookie. You’re pretty weird. But whatever, just chill out here. I’ll be in the water so if you need anything just ask one of the chaperones I guess.” He ruffled Ryeowook’s hair and placed a pair of sunglasses over the seated boy’s eyes. “See ya.” Then he was headed back into the ocean, laughing and splashing the others with water.

 Ryeowook sighed, leaning back on the beach blanket. What was wrong with him? Why did he have to ruin a perfectly good time with his drama? It would’ve been better if he just stayed at the academy and wallowed in his own angst. But…Ryeowook glanced over at the frolicking third years; it was nice to see that no one tried especially hard to comfort him.

The last thing he needed at the moment was someone’s emotional companionship. He needed another distraction. Alcohol wasn’t strong enough anymore. Although Ryeowook hadn’t tried the drowning himself in liquor presently, he had a distinct feeling that the comforting abilities were vastly limited.

There had to be something stronger.

Something that wouldn’t kill him yet at the same time, it had to be something that would bring him near enough to the brink, but never over it. Because…well, no one was coming to grab his wrist, jerk him back and hold him close.

Ryeowook had to be his own life vest, his own bungee cord, his own savior.

The sound of strong waves suddenly washed over his thoughts, silencing the incessant ramblings and bringing a soothing – painfully temporary – peace.