Title: Save Your Heart

Rating: PG-13

Word Count: 1,500

Summary: He promised he’d protect him; he couldn’t even protect himself.

Warning/s: Mention of taoris and hunhan

LJ Link: http://seeyoumean.livejournal.com/1035.html

a/n: Here, have a box of tissues. Also, think of it this way: broken!taoris and broken!hunhan.

 

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It was 2 in the morning when they decided they both couldn’t sleep. A coffee shop was still in service down the block but Sehun figured he’d just make tea. Tao, on the other hand, remained as he was. They sat together on the rooftop.

“I thought I’d see stars.” Sehun said, desperate for a proper conversation as silence clings in the air.

“I guess there is just too much cloud.” Tao sat as comfortable as he could on the metal chair. “But it still is beautiful, don’t you think?”

He hears the other take a sip from his mug.

“I’m telling them tomorrow.” Tao suddenly frowned.

“We already know, Tao.”

“No, I mean everyone.” He waved his arms around, as if referring to the whole universe. “Everyone.”

Sehun sat in silence. For a moment, he just continually takes the tea in; occasionally looking at the dark blue painting that’s right above their heads. He hears a whispered conversation coming from one of the rooms of their dorm; probably Minseok having nightmares again and Yixing desperately trying to calm him down. Even his breaths disturbed the uneasy peace in the air.

“Well, say something.” Tao pleads.

“I don’t know what to say.” He doesn’t look at him.

“They’re all probably gonna hate me.”

“Of course they will.” Sehun gulps down till the last drop of the tasteless liquid.

“That’s mean.”

“That’s the truth.” Sehun places the mug gently on the table. He pockets his hands in his blue jersey jacket and tries not to think of whom it used to belong to; it had the number 7 on it.

“Look, I’m sorry, okay?” Tao looks at the younger one, his eyes all red and stingy. “I want to stay. But I can’t. There’s a huge difference between---“

“Whatever.” Sehun rubs his eyes and scoffs.

“I just want you to know that not everything I do is what I want.”  All the odds lined up perfectly against Tao. “I don’t want to defy my parents. They’ve been there for me since day one.”

“Exactly. They’ve been there basically since forever. But that doesn’t make them your decision maker. They raised a kid, not a damn puppet.” Sehun said without pause.

“But aren’t we all puppets right now? This. In this world. Where we constantly have to wake up so early for practice, fly to a load of other places, smile at people like we’re actually happy, accept criticisms like they don’t affect us. Aren’t we all the same? We’re just constantly waiting for strings to be pulled; to drag us.” He was so careful with his words so that the younger could understand.

“You may be a puppet, but you can’t be a puppet with two puppeteers.” That shut him up for a moment

When Tao looks back, he doesn’t see happy stuff. He sees late night and early morning practices, injuries (no matter how serious), skipped meals, neverending layers of make-up, insecurities,  lawsuits, bags packed, hushed goodbyes, silent nights and he thinks to himself how he survived all that.

“Tao, you swore you’d protect me.” Sehun broke the dead silence that crept around them. “But you can’t even protect yourself.” And with that, he stood up to leave and let the cold seoul air wrap around him.

 

 

Sehun woke up to the smell of Minseok’s brewed coffee. He figured he won’t be getting a mug and he’d take a shower right away. The dorm seemed all too quiet this time, no Baekhyun singing in the morning and Kyungsoo telling him to shut up. He realized he slept a little too long.

He brushed his hair with his fingers and grabbed his phone.

What followed was a wave of articles and negative comments all too painful for Sehun to see and read. And he tries to be strong for himself and for the others, but he was only 21 and there’s not much he could do. He yelled at the wall for being stupid and selfish and for lying and betraying him.

Jongin heard something smash from inside the room so he quickly got up from the couch; a second more and he could’ve completely turned the knob.

“Leave him.” Junmyeon’s voice echoed which made Jongin stop. “Let him think.”

 

------

 

May 2014

“Tao?” A head peeked in his room. “Tao? Where are you?” Sehun calls out and he pushes the door open only to find everything on the floor. “Tao?” He calls out once again.

Sehun made his way to the bathroom hoping he’d find what he’d been looking for. He saw a reflection of himself; calm and reserved. He found a figure lying helplessly in the tub. He tries his best to carry him, but he ended up half-dragging him throughout the room and onto his bed.

“Tao, what are you doing?” Sehun says. “You’re boiling!” He exclaimed as places a palm on his forehead.

“Leave me. Everything’s better this way.” Tao shook his hands away.

“No, Tao. You need to rest.”

“I need to die.”

Sehun came back to the room with a bowl of hot broth, a glass of water, some pills and a wet towel. He set everything in place.

“I don’t need you.” Tao said.

“Yes, you do.”

It had been a couple of days since Kris’s lawsuit and everyone took the act harshly, especially Tao.

“Why’d he do it, Sehun? What do you think?” He asked. “Was I not enough?”

“You’re more than enough, Tao. He just had his own reasons. You have nothing to do with it.” Sehun tried to explain.

“But he left us. He didn’t even leave me a single word.” Tao tried so hard to gulp down everything. He doesn’t want to cry anymore.

“I’ll just get more water.” Sehun stood up only to be stopped by Tao holding his wrists.

“Don’t leave.” He looked at him with desperation in his eyes.

Sehun smiled at the older one and he sits on his bed. He re-adjusts the towel sitting on his forehead as Tao’s eyes began to droop.

“Never.” Sehun whispered.

 

November, 2014

“Okay! We’re going in 20 minutes!” Someone with a walkie talkie yelled at the device in his hands. “Did they fix the lighting already?”

Sehun stared at himself in the waiting room. He couldn’t understand all the voices surrounding him. He shushed them in his head and he hears his own heart beating. He flinched when he feels a warm hand on his shoulder.

“You ready?” Tao asked him.

“Uh--- yeah, I guess so.” He shrugged.

“Okay! In 13!” They hear the warning and they immediately started stretching and left the room.

“Let’s go.” Tao offered a hand.

“Okay.” And Sehun took it.

 

The crowd was always huge, but this was one of the largest. He tried to look calm as he stepped on to the platform.

“One minute!”

He breaks his knuckles but found no strength.

“Forty seconds!”

He stretched his arms for the second time but he still felt beaten.

“Twenty!”

He waits for the 10-second countdown but all he could think of was the build-up of sweat on his forehead.

“Ten!”

The platform rises.

“Nine! Eight!”

Inhale.

“Seven! Six!”

Exhale.

“Five! Four!”

He closes his eyes.

“Three! Two! One!”

He could barely even stand, but he endured it when he saw the silver ocean greeting them with much excitement. Somewhere in the crowd, he sees a yellow light board; he knew who it was for.

 

“Sehun, I can see you, you know.” He tried to avoid his gaze. “Sehun, you need to let it out.”

“Let what out?” He replied. “I’m perfectly fine.”

“No, we all see you.” Tao said. “You--- You never cried once since he left. It’s okay to let it out now.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He carefully brushes the loose strands of his hair back. “Let’s go.”

“No!” Tao exclaimed at him. “We can’t. You have to do this. You can’t just shut your feelings out.”

“I don’t ing care about my feelings.”

“But I do.” They both pause.

“You’re trying to act strong. It works a lot. But you can’t always be that way.” Tao started, “I saw you when you spotted his light board so don’t you dare say you don’t care. You care about him a lot. I was there when he said goodbye to us. You acted like it was okay.”

“But I am okay. So stop this.”

“No. He said goodbye, Sehun. He loved you and I bet he still does, but he said goodbye. You have to just let that sink in. The longer you hold it in, the more painful it’s going to get.”

“Tao---“ Sehun’s eyes were as red as ever and he grits his teeth because he was so angry at himself for being so weak.

“Tao---“ He didn’t need words. The older one hugged him.

Tao let his tears fall on his shoulders and he hugs him tighter.

“I swear, I’m going to protect you. I promise."

He broke that very promise 6 months after.