Flight Back

I feigned a headache during the rest of the dinner, and made a point to talk as little as possible. The elders didn't seem to notice anything like most parents do. They have this own little world to not notice and to only care when confronted with glaring facts and when asked with direct questions. Even in that, one would have to tell them straight on that perhaps squinting will be of good use. I thought my parents where the only ones like this.
 
They're good people. All parents want good things for their children. It's just that sometimes children also want to be in on the truth. Or they make up their own truths. And that usually makes truth-telling a lot harder.
 
All I could think about during the car ride to Jeju Airport and the plane ride back to Seoul was that kiss. I miss it now. Because that was something that will never happen again. I miss my oblivious self; now, my unknowing self is no more.
 
I did not think of the divorce papers, not the talk about my apparent suicide whose after-effects caused me to lose my memories, nor the implicit interpretation that I was crazy. Or to use my in-law's words, on the way to the loony bin. But those kisses and hugs made up for it, even erased it.
 
Because other stronger, harsher thoughts have formed. I try to push them away. But both Jem-of-the-Future and the Jem-of-the-Past feel sad and angry. Mostly, I just want to shrivel up and die, and both Jems agree with this too.
 
Hyukjae noticed my lack of energy and general disinterest but did not call me out for it. I made sure he noticed because I haven't spoken a direct word to him aside from either Yes, No, or I Don't Know.
 
This may seem childish but I just don't know what to say to him. I actually did not have a crash course on marriage counseling when I got here. And to make it all worse, I couldn't remember any of this.
 
"You're quiet," Hyukjae finally breaks the ice after the Fasten Your Seatbelts sign on the plane. We were traveling alone without the kids since the in-laws insisted they wanted to spend time with them. They will be bringing them home together the day after. Hyukjae and I did not disagree as we will both be working as soon as we land back in the city.
 
Super Junior is filming their latest music video while I am meeting the US editor and publisher of my latest novel. Learning that I will, at last, be published in the US and all English-speaking countries last week, I cried really hard. It turns out that I was already published many times and my editor was just here to update me on the publication schedule of another novel that I have just submitted weeks before. But now, everything looks bleak, especially from the window view of this plane.
 
It's one thing to have your heart broken; it's a whole new thing to be called crazy by family. And it's utterly delusional to still believe that divorce papers aren't for moving on.
 
"Jem-ah, is anything wrong?" Hyukjae said again."You've not been talking to me since last night."
 
So he has noticed. I faced him but I was looking at his left ear.
 
"I'm fine," I lied.
 
"Sure? Is your head still hurting?" he said, gently touching my right hand.
 
I closed my eyes, pulling away my hand and gently touching my forehead instead. Sitting next to him is enough torture already.
 
He tried to scoot nearer me despite the fact that the plane's seat will not come any closer. When this failed, he just rested his head on my right shoulder. I wished I have never given the rest of my chocolate stash to the kids before we left. I miss them. I miss everything that was forty-eight hours ago.
 
Hyukjae was fumbling over his Google Glass while still leaning over me. Figuring there would be weak signal inside a plane; he took it off and began talking again. I should not have resorted to reading the plane's magazine and just went to sleep instead. But the flight just takes less than hour and sleeping seemed like out of the question earlier.
 
"Do you remember, we first met inside a plane, Jem-ah," he began with the reminiscent talk. Even though how hypocritical I feel of him to be talking about the past, I still tried to reason that this is a subtler way of saying goodbye. He may not give me the divorce papers until I remember everything, or after a couple of months, but surely he will. Thinking of that, I wanted to yell at him to stop. But I stayed mum.
 
"That's when you finally decided to leave Jeju and stay in Seoul. We sat beside each other and asked me if I was Super Junior's Lee Hyukjae. But then, I told you I was not. And you believed me." He was laughing now. "You were always cute when you are oblivious and shy."
 
He was doing this thing with my hands again. I stare at what he was doing for a while but pulled back as I replaced the magazine to the compartment in my front.
 
"Yeah, I was always oblivious," I told him, then muttered: "So you better just tell me the truth right away." But my last statement was drowned by the captain announcing the plane's descent and arrival.
 
We straightened up our seats, fastened our seat belts. He held my colds hands as the plane descended. I kept staring off into the plane's wing.
 
"Jem-ah, the managers will be picking me up and bring me right away to the filming warehouse in Ansan. The other members will also be arriving today so I think I will be waiting for the others before we leave and it may take hours," he informed me. We were in the baggage claim carousel and were only waiting for our duffels to come out. He already told me about the arrangement yesterday.
 
"Yes, Hyukjae-ssi, I can find our own car. It's a secured car park anyway so there will be guards who assist me if I can't distinguish orange from black," I told him with a fake smile and pulled my black duffel. He also pulled his own duffel from the carousel and together we headed for the exit lounge. He introduced me to Manager Kim who nodded back and told them both that I will be off.
 
"I will take you to the parking lot," Hyukjae offered.
 
"Really, it's okay. Besides, the fans would swarm you when you come back," I warned him. To this, Manager Kim, who was now talking on through his Google Glass, gave a thumbs up. "I will be fine; the world is oblivious to me. Don't worry."
 
"See you later tonight then. Bye." He pulled me closer and hugged me for a kiss but I have already turned my back.
 
I don't know how he looked as I turned around right away while I waved Goodbye. I never looked back and hurried to the direction of the nearest rest room.
 
Finding the rest room took me a while longer than expected because I refuse to even speak to the airport guides. I just did not feel like talking to anyone. This is perhaps one of my biggest flaws. I do not talk when my head already feels like bursting from all the thoughts. Perhaps Hyukjae was right. I resort to not talking when I feel like any word I utter will be detrimental to the peace of the world.
 
"Gah! Why am I still thinking of the things he said!?!" This I muttered aloud to myself inside the rest room cubicle that I have managed to find after thirty minutes or so. I went out the cubicle and washed my face in the sink. I was still rubbing my face with the running water, when another elder lady called my attention and asked if the ringing was from my phone.

It was. My editor was calling to inform me that their flight was cancelled due to severe weather in New York. They will be coming in next week instead. How convenient. Now I will be home all alone. That has never been a problem for the Jem-of-the-Past. I smiled at myself for the first time in twelve hours as I went back inside the rest room cubicle and changed from fitting jeans into loose jogging pants and plain black t-shirt. I also unearthed Jae's baseball cap and wore it to hide my uncombed hair. When I looked back at the mirror, I saw the real Jem-of-the-Past.
 
I quickly found my way to the elevator connecting to the car park. It stopped to a sub-basement level as a group of slow-moving elderly tour group got in. Then just at the back of the group were a man and woman.
 
I don't know why but the mess of people in front of me seemed like the backdrop of those two. The guy stands in the middle of the frame, arms outstretched. The girl enters from right in a sprint and the same outstretched arm. The girl's shrill voice lingers, "Oppaaaaaa!" The guy embraces her, carries her, and they both twirl in that little screen bordered by the elevator doors.
 
The show ended. The elevator door windows have closed. A ding indicated that we were in the parking lot. The door opened, no one got out, and everyone of the tourist group turned to stare back at me.
 
I didn't know I was crying. An elder woman stood closer to me and tapped my back, asking why I was in tears.
 
"She was wearing Hyukjae's clothes and she has the face of that one PA in my book's movie," I wanted to tell her. But I was Jem-who-does-not-talk-when--happens.
 
Instead, I ran out of the elevator and found the first silver Volvo that light up when I pressed my key. I wished I was Isabella Swan when she was the bad- vampire already because now I was just pathetic pre-vampiric Bella.
 

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