I don't really remember a time in my life, not once, where my head was clear of suicidal thoughts. I haven't really had to urge to live my life to the fullest. With all thats been going in my life, it almost seemed natural to feel like dying. No parents to comfort or guide me, no girl to love and cherish. In reality my life was great, I had a home, a successful job, money. However there was always one thing I was missing in my life. One thing that I needed. Love.

The bright sun shone over the horizon, shining bright rays of light to my eyes. Normally you'd think of it as a new day, a new beginning, for me, it meant another lonely and tiring 24 hours. Usually, I'd be happy to wake up and walk to my workplace to type some more codes into the computer, but now it all seemed like a routine, a plan for my life that couldn't be changed. I needed something more in my life. Something different. Love.

"Luhan, you're late once again..., if this continues I'm unfortunately gonna have to fire you". I walked to my desk and sat down. my PC. Beep. Sigh. It all seemed like a normal day, typing codes onto the computer for six hours. Was this really what my life was planned out to be, sitting in front of a computer, going home and watching TV alone until 2am. Those nights were truly lonely. I needed someone. Something else. Love

Today I didn't feel like going work, whether I got fired or not. My life was already at it's lowest, all alone, no parents, no friends and no lover. What is this feeling. Is this what love truly is. Is this what love truly feels like... No. Right now I am experiencing loneliness and depression. What is the point of me living now. No one loves me. I'd rather to end this right away, than continue to suffer. I was ready. Ready to die. But that was until I experienced something I have never felt before. Was.. was it, sadness?... sorrow? No. It was something different. Love.

I was walking to the liquor store to buy some beer for my lonely nights. This was when I saw a woman so beautiful. So elegant. We walked past each other staring right into each others eyes. There was a connection. Something about her that I liked. I began to see her at the same store everytime I came. Eventhough we had not talked yet her smile put a smile on my face. That was when I finally interacted with her. We talked and that was when we finally knew we were meant for each other. What was this we had. Yes. It was. Love

Her name was Taeyeon. The perfect woman, beautiful, quirky and cheerful. We began meeting up more, at restraurants and dinners, I finally felt wanted, I finally felt loved.

"Tae, I really like you, and I dont want you to lose you". 

"I love you too Luhan, you're really the sweetest man I've ever met"

I thought our love would last forever. That we would forever be together. I thought wrong.

It was when we had planned another night out. I walked out to the porch staring at the moonlit sea. I couldn't wait to see Taeyeon again... But she never came. I waited another 4 hours for arrival but was left to sit out in the cold alone. Alone like all my life. I checked my phone all to see a message from Taeyeon

"We can't do this anymore"

My whole world began crashing around me. The love of my life had left me for no given reason. I was finally left to the beginning again. A lonely depressed man. I truly began to understand what love was. Pain. Heartbreaks. Sadness. With or without it I would continue to feel pain. There was no reason for me to live anymore. I had decided to end my life. Nothing mattered to me anymore. No one mattered to me.

I walked up to the edge of a colossal bridge. I was ready once again. Ready to end my life, one which no one cared about. Tears of pain and sadness dropped down my face dripping into the flowing river beneath me. Taeyeon had already healed most of my pains in life. But it turned out that "it" itself was the cause for my pain now. Love.

And so.

I jumped.