September 18th 

God sometimes I really wish I had never met you. I find myself thinking that a lot lately, even when I tell myself not to I can't help it. I wish you would have never asked to be my partner in biology, there were plenty of other students, plenty of other girls in our class. Weren't you close with that one with the short blonde hair? It's weird that you're not since you guys are always laughing together. So why out of all our classmates did you have to choose me? Did I say something nice to you in the beginning of the school year or did you just feel sorry for me? Honestly, if you would have just left me alone I wouldn't be in this situation right now.   

Namjoon sighs to himself, picking up his pencil and erases the mess of problems on his math book before dusting away the pink particles and starting over again. He should know this, it's just differential equations. He's done countless problems and even quizzes over this stuff, but he can't seem to focus the longer he stares at the problems before him.

A group of girls walk past him chatting and giggling about something the shorter one says and Namjoon looks up briefly from his spot in the grass, shaded by the huge oak tree. Other students have started to gather outside for lunch, occupying spots in the grass, at the tables on the blacktop and some taking seats on the trail that leads back up to the school building or sitting in their cars at the parking lot.

He runs a hand through his blonde hair and pushes his work off of his lap before laying back against the tree and closing his eyes. He plans to nap for a little, clear his head and try not to think of definite integrals and minimum and maximums. The soft chatter of voices, the sounds from spoons and chopsticks scraping against plates and the occasional crunch against the grass distracts him long enough to lull himself to sleep.

It isn't until fifteen minutes later when Namjoon feels something heavy slump against him and grab his neck, that his eyelids shoot open and he bolts up from his spot against the tree to see Anna smiling up at him, succeeding in waking him up from his nap with a glint in her eyes.

"Aigoo did someone sleep well?" she cooed and pinched his cheek, causing him to whine and swat her hands away.

He untangled her arms from around his neck and sat back with a frown on his face as she laughed and briefly looked down at his school work before back at his face.

"Did you have to do that? I mean did you really have to do that?" he glared at her.

The look must have not been intimidating enough because Anna only chuckled and tugged her skirt down while folding her legs. "I was looking everywhere for you, how come you weren't in the cafeteria like you always are?" she tilted her head.

Namjoon shrugged and refrained from telling her how much being in there was suffocating him. Being outside gave him more ways to clear his head.

"I wasn't hungry so I decided to come out here. Why were you looking for me anyway?"

She shrugged her backpack off and ped it to pull out a thick leather book with the words Biology 101 stamped across the front and pulled her laptop out as well before opening it and turning it on. It was black for a second before the screen and a picture of Anna and Namjoon stared back at him of last summer when they had both went to the annual summer festival and shared a smoothie.

The weather was much of like what it is today, the sun was only shining and both were decked in shorts and tank tops, sunglasses on top of their head and smiles wide on their faces. They had spent the entire day out riding rollercoasters, winning prizes from the game stalls, eating fried food and enjoying the music from the concert on the other side of the pier. He shook the image from his head when she pulled up a PowerPoint folder.

"I was wondering if you could help me with my project?" she bit her bottom lip. "I'm kind of stuck on explaining proteins and the different cycles."

She opened one of the slides were words were typed out on one side and a picture was plastered on the other, before sitting back and giving Namjoon a look.

"Please?"

Her brown eyes stared at him as she curled her hands around his wrist with small fingers and waited for him to answer. "I already did most of it,"

Namjoon wanted to say no, he wanted to tell her that he had a bunch of other work to do, specifically Calculus and he was already swamped with homework- but he couldn't find it in him to say no. He couldn't find the strength to shake his head and reject her.

He never had before, so why start now?

Anna must have knew what he was going to say because a smile curled at the edge of her lips until Namjoon was nodding and getting attacked in a hug again as she threw her arms around him.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" she said quickly.

Namjoon hugged her back with a smile until she pulled back and pecked his cheek before making herself comfortable beside him and pulling her laptop closer so it was between them. Anna stared at the screen as she began reading off things to her best friend but Namjoon paid no attention as he stared at the way her pink lips moved. The way her hair cascaded down her shoulders in waves, or how her skin looked so fresh and smooth even though she had complained about a pimple on her chin this morning.

Her fingers typed away on the keyboard and Namjoon had a strong urge to grab her hand and just hold it, just to feel the fingers in between the spaces of his own.

"You paying attention?" Anna waved a hand in front of his face.

Namjoon snapped out of it and nodded as Anna chuckled and bumped their shoulders together. "Don't space out when we haven't even started yet,"

"I'm not, I was momentarily distracted by your ugliness," he grumbled.

Anna stuck her tongue out at him playfully and smacked his arm before turning back to her laptop.

If only she knew how completely untrue those words were.

September 23rd

I really don't know when I started liking you. I think it was just a natural process that occured over time the longer we spent together. It was in the way you laughed at my jokes, how you could care for someone like me so much. The way you listened to my rants about science and stayed up late at night to wait in lines with me at Best Buy. I think it was the way you were so comfortable around me, how I watched you eat, the way you slept against my shoulder and on my lap. I guess that I've known you for so long that it would only make sense that my feelings as a friend would grow into something more. But do you feel the same as I do?

Anna walks down the aisle of comic book racks, her eyes scanning rows and rows of different superheros and villains before she spots one of The Flash, Issue 103 and smiles before reaching forward and pulling it down for herself. She flips through the pages briefly, scanning through before turning around the other way and going to look for Namjoon.

It's not hard to find him in the store, he's on the other side where CD's are sold, posters are rolled up in cylinder tins and placed on shelves along the wall with various baubles and miscellaneous items litered around the store. She sneaks up behind him just as he mummbles along to the song underneath his breath and sways from side to side with his eyes reading the back of the CD case.

She's lucky because he's wearing the headphones and is oblivious to everything else around him before she jabs him on the side with her fingers and shouts, 'boo!'

Namjoon actually shrieks and jumps forward, successfully plugging the headphones out from the wall and dropping the CD at his feet as he turns around with a hand on his chest and eyes wide with his chest heaving up and down.

"Not funny!" he frowns when Anna breaks into a fit of laughter.

It takes a moment for her to calm down, clutching her stomach as she throws her head back and laughs loudly but soon she is wiping tears from her eyes and curling her hand around Namjoon's bicep.

"Yes...yes it was," she sighs with a smile on her face. "I thought your soul was going to leave your body," she giggles.

Namjoon frowns even harder and shakes her hand off before picking the CD back up and putting the headphones back while shutting it off. Luckily the store is bare with only a few people hanging around, so no one shoots him judging looks or asks if he's alright.

"I hate you, what do you want anyways?"

Anna holds up the comic book for him to see and smiles. "I found it, they finally put it out after weeks of I don't know how long," she rolls her eyes with a huff.

"Did you find what you were looking for?"

Namjoon grabs the CD that he had dropped a few seconds ago and nods his head but not before ruffling Anna's hair. "Buy it for me since you almost killed me, arasso?"

Anna opens to object but Namjoon is already walking forward to the front of the store where the register is at and she frowns before running after him and glares when he sets both of their things down then looks at her expectantly.

"Hate you," she mutters underneath her breath and pulls out her credit card to hand over to the freckled teen with glasses who swipes her card. 

Namjoon shrugs and grabs their things before they leave the store and walk the rest of the way through the crowded streets and market shops before stopping at a food stall that sells hot pancakes. Anna pays again and thinks about slapping it out of his hands but takes it back when she realizes how precious food is. 

"Your place or mine?" Namjoon says as he takes a bite and chews quietly. 

Anna swallows and moves her hair off of her shoulder before humming, "let's go to mine, my parents aren't home,"

The two teens walk the rest of the way through the district, occasionally stopping to look through windows and buy more snacks before they're walking down the street into her neighborhood and up a cobblestone path to a yellow house that sits on the end of the street.

Namjoon pulls off his jacket then helps Anna out of hers and takes her bag and the rest of the food while she runs to the living room to turn the TV on and Namjoon, familiar with her home, goes to put everything away before moving the food into bowls and bringing them back.

"I put on Dexter, is that okay?"

"You know it is," Namjoon smiles and settles down beside her and absentmindely starts feeding himself and Anna the chips. They cringe over some parts, laugh at others and Anna grimaces at a particularly gruesome scene but replays it over again as Namjoon rolls his eyes and smiles.

They don't know how long they sit watching a marathon of Dexter, but soon it becomes dark outside and Namjoon's stomach grumbles for real food as he rubs his eyes to keep himself awake. Anna munches on another chip and yawns before leaning against his shoulder and shifts to get more comfortable.

He shouldn't like how comfortable this feels, how much he wants her to stay just a little longer or the way her long hair drapes against him and smells heavenly. He shouldn't but he does. The show is long forgotten and he can only stare at the person beside him and scan her face, looking for imperfections but finds none.

Her eyelids flutter slightly like she wants to sleep and he thinks that he could count each and every lash and that still wouldn't be enough to explain in words how he feels around her.

Does she know that too?

September 30th

I was really close one day. I don't think you would remember it but I do, vividly. It was raining outside the apartment complex I live at and we were running back after having forgotten our umbrellas back at school. What's the coincidence right? But we did and we ran so fast to avoid the rain but we were soaked through our uniforms and socks. After we took the bus to my neighborhood, you held onto my hand and I was so happy I would have kept running for days just for you to do it again. When we finally got to my place, you were laughing and I joined in until we couldn't laugh anymore and just looked at each other. It reminded me of a drama, the way the quiet enveloped us. Your hair was sticking to your face and you stared up at me with a small smile- you've never looked more better under the flickering light. My chest was so tight I wanted to confess to you right then and there. I wanted to tell you everything, how much you meant to me, how I felt, just everything. I almost did and I almost kissed you, if I would have just leaned in closer. But then you laughed, you laughed and told me to go inside before I got sick and gave me the customary peck on the cheek before dissapearing. I didn't go inside, but stayed and watched where you walked off to.

I still got the flu the next day.

Namjoon and Anna sit across from each other, the older stretches his arms above his head until he hears a familiar pop and sighs in content before bringing his arms back down. Anna looks up from her phone and makes a disgusted face before going back to scrolling through the Samsung and lifting it up to show him something. 

"My cousins are coming next week," she wrinkles her nose and Namjoon fails at hiding his smile when she picks up one of the pillows and throws it at him. 

"Shut up,"

"Your cousins aren't really that bad," he reasons. The more he thinks about it, he actually likes Jooheon, the fourteen year old who is already towering over Anna and his litte brothers, Mingkyu and Leo who are twins and like to pester Anna for no apparent reason. 

He remembers the last time they came and built a fort in her room, putting movies on and sharing a tub of ice cream while they locked Anna out and had to listen to her bang on her own bedroom door and yell to her parents until they opened it. She didn't talk to him for a few days because of that.

"They're terrible," she shakes her head and mummbles something unintelligable under her breath. "I don't even know why they come down here if nothing is going on, they just want to bother me,"

She puts her phone away at the side and crawls up to the top of the bed before throwing herself back against the mattress and covering her eyes with her hands.

Namjoon pokes her arms and doesn't stop until she whines and attempts to smack him away but he only grabs her wrists in his hands and makes her look at him. "You should spend time with your family."

Anna snorts and rolls her eyes, "I have no problem spending time with my umma and appa, it's my cousins that are the problem. You should just come and steal me away every chance possible until they go back to Daegu," her eyes light up at the idea.

He laughs to himself and can't help but think of a million dates they would have gone on by now if it was up to him. The pier at night, when the water is glowing from the carnival lights. To the beach, ate at that really expensive Italian restaurant downtown where he knows he can't afford a thing, but can beg his parents. To the movies to watch some boring chickflick, maybe stroll around the shopping district and get her something from the carts though she deserves an entire mall.

All sorts of possibilities run through his mind, but he says none of them and instead smiles with a nod of his head. Anna grins back and pulls him down so they're laying face to face with each other. "You're the best. Maybe we can go ride bikes by the river or something?"

 He nods again and his heart feels heavy when she smiles even brighter at him before moving forward to lay her head on his chest. It shouldn't mean anything but it does, it means a whole lot to Namjoon. To have her this close, the way her arms wrap around him, the way her breathing is steady, how her hair tickles his nose and her heat makes his face turn red. The fan spins lazily above them and the radio is playing a rap song, it would be so easy to confess.

Namjoon opens his mouth the say something but when soft snores greet him back, he sighs and closes his eyes to the poster of MFBTY on the opposite wall.

Not now. 

October 11th

Sometimes I do worry, that my constant cowardness will someday come to backfire on me. I always tell myself why can't I be more man enough, why can't I just come out and say it to you? Why is it so hard? Why can't I just grab you and say what I want to say? Everyone in the movies and dramas make it so easy, to just run up to the person they like and confess to them and live happily ever after. Why can't I do that? Why can't that be us? I want to tell you so bad, I want to love you like you deserved to be but I'm afraid, I'm afraid of what will happen if things don't work out. I value our friendship and the years we've had but if you give me a chance I could be the best boyfriend ever. I will give you everything, everything I can and make it work, but I'm scared. Can you just wait a little longer for me to gather my courage? Just wait and don't let anyone take you please? 

A tray smacks against the table loudly and Namjoon looks up from his lunch of pizza and fries to stare at Anna with a raised eyebrow and continues munching on his fry before swallowing and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

"Can I help you?"

Anna slides down into her seat and fans herself with her hand before taking a sip of her milk from the bendy straw and smiling. "There's this new guy in my chemistry class," she says with a glint in her eyes.

Namjoon dips another fry in ketchup before popping it in his mouth and says, "you're telling me this because?"

Anna sighs and takes another sip before grabbing her pizza and folding it in half just as she takes a bite and chews quietly. "I'm telling you because he doesn't have any friends or anything here so Mrs. Huan assigned me to be his helper for the day," she does air quotes around the word. 

Namjoon raises an eyebrow at that and snorts. "Helper? What is this kindergarten? He can't figure out a simple building by himself?"

Anna smacks his arm and frowns with a short no before continuing to eat her pizza and wipes with a napkin. "She trusts me and I have no problem showing him around anyways, so if I seem absent, I'm not I'm just helping Seokjin around,"

Namjoon shrugs and eats some more of his fries, with them moving onto another subject and talking animatedly until he notices a figure come up behind Anna and tap on her shoulder hesitantly. "U-Um Anna?" a soft voice says quietly.

Anna stops eating to turn around and smiles at Seokjin while Namjoon stops and can only watch as his best friend pulls him down to sit across from them and she smiles at him with a friendly look while introducing the male. "This is Seokjin, Jin for short right?"

The dark haired guy nods and offers a smile to Namjoon who waves and can't help but think how they already are on a nickname basis in the short of only a few hours. 

"Namjoon,"

Jin is tall, a head taller than Namjoon even sitting and his shoulders are broad, his body lean and his eyes the same color as Anna's with his skin pale and uniform haphazardly worn like he was in a rush to school this morning. It's kind of awkward around the table, with them just looking at one another before Jin clears his throat and looks up from the schedule in his hands.

"Do you guys know where the choir room is?"

Anna almost chokes on her milk and Namjoon actually does before she's shooting him a glare and he coughs to get himself together.

"Choir? You sing?"

"Yeah, it's something I like to do," he smiles lightly while looking down at his lap embarrassed.

"Don't mind him," Anna says. "I think it's awesome you can sing, do you want me to show you now?"

Namjoon looks at her and before he can say anything Jin speaks up. "You haven't f-finished your food yet,"

"No problem," she shakes her head. "I'm not that hungry anyways,"

Namjoon frowns and before he can protest, the two of them are getting up from the table and Anna grabs her tray while Jin waves bye and leaves ahead of her to wait by the doors.

"Yah!" he hisses. "You're going to really leave, just like that?"

"Uh yeah," she says like it's the most obvious thing in the world. "I'll see you after school alright?" And without another word turns around to go to Jin.

Namjoon huffs to himself and suddenly he doesn't have an appetite anymore, actually the rest of the day is starting to sound unappealing to him.

Please just please, don't let this be anything more.

October 29th

I know I'm your best friend, you've told me that countless times but I wish I was more. I don't want to be your friend, I want to be your boyfriend but the possibility of that gets slimmer the more I think about it. Why is that? As much as I try to tell myself I have nothing to worry about, I'm plagued with fear that this Jin guy will become more. You hang out with him a lot now, during school even after school at times. You're only supposed to be his helper but you're becoming his friend. That's not allowed and I know I may seem selfish but I enjoy having you to myself. You include him on our Dexter marathons, you invite him to movies, to eat lunch with us, hang out with us at the pier and go the music store together. He's not a bad guy, but I feel like he'll be bad for me because he could get in the way of what I'm trying to make happen with us. Even if nothing is happening, I still like to torture myself that something will. So why is he suddenly becoming apart of us?

It's Saturday and the sun is shining unbearably hot today. 

Namjoon wipes sweat from his brow and looks down at his cellphone as he stands behind the counter at Smoothie King and taps his fingers absentmindely on the counter top. He adjusts the cap on his head and fixes the apron before looking up at the door as people walk by.

Today is slow, the heat keeping people mostly in the water and under the shade of their umbrellas and behind their sunglasses.

A few people sit inside at the tables, slurping their drinks and chatting idly with their friends while the workers lounge in the back. The fan spins in the back and Jihoon, a new worker here, stands in front of it with his face and sighs as a few of the girls chuckle and shake their heads.

"Namjoon!"

The bell above the door jingles, alerting that someone has walked in and the blonde haired teen looks up as Anna walks in with shorts and a light pink tank top with Jin trailing behind her in board shorts and a sleeveless shirt. He changes his expression from surprised to a smile, not wanting to make her concerned.

"Hey guys.." he says slowly. "Welcome to Smoothie King, can I get you guys anything?"

Anna rolls her eyes and Jin actually looks flustered before he is shaking his head and scoots closer to Anna. "It's really hot outside, we came to visit and get some air,"

Namjoon snorts because she knows their AC is and hardly ever comes to visit him at work because the smoothies are overpriced as well. He honestly doesn't even know why he still works here.

"When do you get off?" Anna says and leans against the counter with her head in her hands while Jin looks over the menu above.

"I just got on, I'll have a break in a couple of hours if you want to stick around,"

Anna frowns and blows her bangs out of her face before standing up straight with a sigh and tugging Jin over by his arm. "We'll probably go and sit down by the beach or get on some of the rides. Text me when you get off so we can all hang out okay?"

"You're going without me?" he frowns and pushes his lip out in a convincing pout.

"Don't be too sad, I know you'll miss me," she chuckles and leans over to kiss his cheek before she is pulling Jin out with her. The bell jingles above the door again and he sighs as the two bodies dissapear into the crowd of people.

They remind him of a couple when they leave and the thought makes him so sick- that he actually goes to the back and takes Jihoon's place in front of the fan to ease his nausea.

November 1st

 I want to be mad at you, I really do but I can't. I can never be mad around you, simply because it's you and I don't ever want you to think that I am. I don't know how to portray how much it frustrates me that Jin has made such an impact on you in such a short amount of time. Do you talk about me to him when I'm not around like you do to me? Does your voice catch and your eyes become hesitant? I wonder if he feels threatened by me like I do of him? We're still friends, I'm almost certain of that but I'm worried that you're not just friends with Jin. Is my reasoning true? Is he doing something that I'm not? Remember that it's always been me and you, you haven't forgotten that have you? I've always been there, not Jin. Is there something you want to say? Just tell me. 

Anna glances up at the board, writing down what the teacher has instructed for their upcoming exam at the end of the week and scribbles everything down in the notebook before the teacher steps out for a second. 

Once the door closes behind him, students break out in chatter, turning around in their chairs and pulling their phones out to entertain themselves. The class grows in volume until Jin puts his pencil down and looks to his left to poke Anna. 

She stops writing in her notebook and chuckles with a raise of her eyebrow. "What's up?"

 Jin looks nervous, his hands fidgeting on his desk before he bites his lip and shakes his head. "N-Never mind, it's nothing,"

Anna frowns and bumps their shoulders together before he smiles and shoves her back lightly. 

"Tell me,"

"It's nothing really, just forget about it," he coughs awkwardly and looks back down.

"Ani, I can't forget about it now. Just tell me or else," 

"Or else what? What are you going to do huh?" She flicks his forehead and Jin yelps before rubbing the spot on his forehead. 

"Ouch!"

"Tell me,"

"No,"

"Yes,"

"No,"

"Jin,"

"Anna,"

"Ji-"

"Let's go watch a movie," he says quickly.

Anna freezes, her eyebrows jumping into her hairline and Jin regrets what he says almost immediately. He thinks of taking it all back and almost opens his mouth before a beautiful smile blossoms on Anna's face.

"Okay,"

His eyes widen and his mouth actually drops open in shock before Anna closes it for him.

"Okay?"

"I said that didn't I?" she smiles and both of them look at each other with pink dusting their cheeks.

"Just-just to make sure we're clear," he says. "It's just the two of us,"

She doesn't say anything for a moment, only choosing to stare at him with a funny look in her eyes that Jin mistakes as hesitation.

"If you-if you don't want to go that's okay, I understand. We can just do something-"

"Jin," Anna puts a hand over his mouth. "It's okay, it's okay. I'll go, I want to go to the movies with you," she smiles.

Jin takes a deep breath and breaks into a smile just as their teacher walks back into the room. Mr. Lee glares at the students who groan and put their phones away while turning back in their seats. He picks back up where they left at on the lesson and both teens grin at each other a little stupidly before turning back to their work.

  November 7th

I've written so many entries and erased them and ripped them out because of my foul language. I know that this is my journal and no one will ever read it, but it's just that I won't be able to live with myself if I say things about you. It's not about you necessarily but Jin. I don't think there are enough words in the Korean language to describe how I feel, maybe I should look up some english words but I don't know if that will suffice. My heart hurts in ways I can't describe and I want to be happy for you but not like this. When you told me about the date, you asked if it was okay, like you needed my permission and I knew if I would have said no, you wouldn't have went. My opinion means so much to you, but yet my feelings don't? I wish I would have said no.  Because I want to cry and I want to scream and I want to grab you by your shoulders and shake you but what is that going to do? Your eyes lit up like they should for me, you smiled but you weren't talking to me. Everything that I'm dreading and I feared is happening and I feel like I'm drowning even though I can stand on both feet. Some people say that they would rather have the person they love be with someone else and happy, but I say that. Why can't I have my own happiness with you?

Namjoon leans against the railing of the ramp outside the school gates. The bell has run already signaling that classes are over as students roam the campus, taking off towards the buses and getting in their own cars. It's a little after ten minutes and Namjoon glances back down at his watch before he hears a familiar voice calling out to him.

"Pabo!"

A few students look their way and he fights down a blush as Anna waves at him with Jin in tow until they are catching up  with the blonde teen.

"I told you you didn't have to wait," Anna rolls her eyes. Her hair is pulled back into a ponytail with strands falling out but she looks happy, a little tired but bright nonetheless.

"I had nothing better to do, what were you two doing?" he tries not to sound nosey or come off as snooping but neither of them pick up as Jin smiles and begins walking.

"Anna came by to see me practice in the room, I told her not to but she did anyway," he looks down at her and a shared smile passes between the two. One that Namjoon sees that he wishes he hadn't.

"You sing really nice, I don't know what you're so embarrassed about,"

"I don't," he mutters. 

Namjoon wants to interject but he finds no place to comment and no way to change the subject. It's like he's looking through a window of a home that he can't get in and it frightens him. It frightens him that they already have a look, it frightens him that she watches him sing, that he doesn't know what happened during the movie but knows they're closer than before.

He's mostly angry though at himself because he's been pissing his pants to do what Jin has accomplished in a mere few months; make Anna his. 

His stomach turns as they continue walking down the sidewalk, because although nothing is official, he can feel it coming. He can feel it in the way they smile shyly, the way they look at one another, how at lunch Jin is more attentive and shares his food with her. How they hang out more and more as two than three. Anna won't tell Namjoon but he doesn't have to hear it to already know. 

If anything it makes him sick wanting to think how she'll break the news to him. He wishes he could go back in time and change things, switch places with Jin, make Anna see how he's been there all a long but it's a shout into oblivion. 

The farther they walk into the city, the more sweaty Namjoon's palms become until he glances up and sees that Anna and Jin have walked further ahead of him. They laugh as he whispers something into her ear and his hand gently brushes across the back of Anna's knuckles until she is turning around and beckoning Namjoon over.

"What are you doing all the way back there? Palli~"

Suddenly Namjoon doesn't feel like walking anymore and the reality of Anna being stolen right from underneath his own feet makes him bite the inside of his cheek so he doesn't scream.

November 14th

Jin,

What does it feel like when she smiles at you, like you've got the sun and the moon at your fingertips? Do you feel the same tightening in your chest and shiver in your knees when she laughs? How do you feel when she leans against you? The way her head makes your shoulder her pillow, those eyes that you could seem to paint but never actually get the depth of emotion she has. Can you tell me how all that feels now that you know her on a level I don't? I want to be happy for the both of you, I really do but not with each other. When you came into the cafeteria holding hands, I knew what my nightmares were telling me had become true. I was smiling on the outside and gave you guys well wishes but inside...inside I was a broken man.

When I said I had to leave early to finish up an assignment, I ran to the bathroom and threw up my entire lunch. I wanted to pull my hair out, to scream and cry until all of Seoul could heard me, to rip her small hand from yours and run away with her. I wanted to take her somewhere where you couldn't plague her thoughts but it was useless. My skin feels funny and my head hurts a lot more these days. It's everytime I see you guys. The way you look at one another, the touches, the hugs, the whispers and laughter that I'm not included in.You're living my dream Jin. You get to hold, to kiss, to do anything with the woman I'm madly in love with. You get to see sides of her that I never can, you get to talk about things that she wouldn't dare bring up but most importantly you get to have her heart. I'm crying as I write this- God my heart hurts so bad but I'll probably rip this out and trash it with this journal. In this are only moments that I acted as a coward and stood on the sidelines as I watched Anna fall for you. I don't want to be reminded of it, and honestly I don't think I will ever write again. 

If you could do me just one thing that would be great. Take care of her, because she's precious. Honestly she's one of the most beautiful people in this world and sacred and deserves to be cherished. I want to say so many more things but I fear that I'll start cussing again and I don't want to do that. My mom has always told me that two is  company and three's a crowd. I guess I never really understood the weight of those words until I lived the situation myself.

Finally finished! whew *deep breath wipes brow*

Sorry that took so long guys, but I hope you enjoyed this rather long one shot from me. I felt so sad and honestly like depressed af writing this because hopeless love truly . I feel you Namjoon! I'm sorry and don't hate me. Until next time read, upvote, comment below and subscribe. Love you guys!  

But if you liked it check out my other stories, Wicked Love and The Summer of Seven