Krystal sat on a sofa at a club in Seoul with a drink in her hand. She was at a mixer with her friends, yet she sat slightly apart from the cheerful men and women who were mingling and getting to know each other. Krystal honestly had no idea why she had agreed to come with her girl friends to meet a group of guys tonight. She watched the prospective men flaunting their money and masculinity and rolled her eyes at them in disgust. After a long string of unsuccessful dates with the most selfish and arrogant of suitors, Krystal felt like she was going to swear off men entirely at some point.

Krystal's phone buzzed and she picked it up, grateful to have something to do other than smile halfheartedly at the overly eager gentleman staring at her from across the table. To her surprise and delight, she had received a message from Amber, one of her closest friends.

[Amber]: Bored. Whatcha doing?

[Krystal]: Are you OK?
[Krystal]: Why are you still up?

It was close to midnight right now, much later than Amber normally stayed up.

[Amber]: I had trouble sleeping.

[Krystal]: Bad dream?

[Amber]: Something like that...
[Amber]: Are you home yet?

[Krystal]: Having a drink with some friends.

[Amber]: Nice.

"Was it nice?" Krystal thought to herself. She looked at the group of people nearby with a bored expression of her face. Nice would have been spending the evening hanging out with Amber, talking or keeping each other company. Nice was not sitting here trying to make small talk with a man who seemed more excited to get into her pants than learning what her hobbies were. She could have easily picked up any man she wanted at the mixer, and yet she chose none of them.

[Amber]: Wanna come over to my place later?

"Why, yes I would," Krystal thought to herself, smiling genuinely at the message. She gulped the rest of her drink and set the empty glass on the table before excusing herself and heading for the door.

Amber waited anxiously inside her apartment for Krystal to arrive. The older girl honestly had no idea why she always seemed to be inviting Krystal over when Krystal was busy doing something else. Perhaps she enjoyed seeing how far Krystal would go to hang out with her. Sometimes the younger girl left events early and sometimes she skipped them entirely just to see Amber. That was the closeness of their friendship with each other. However or whenever Krystal came over to her apartment, Amber was always eager to see her.

But it wasn't just friendship that made Amber look forward to Krystal's visits. Her initial attraction to Krystal had been a small crush many years ago, but the feeling matured over time to become an overwhelming desire that was surely love. She wondered if Krystal had ever recognized the feelings in her heart. If so, Krystal certainly was not acknowledging them. The two of them had a complicated relationship with each other, often blurring the line between close friends and lovers, but Krystal had always made it clear that she wasn't in love with Amber and that she didn't want to date Amber. They were merely friends with benefits and nothing more.

The doorbell buzzed and Amber sprang to her feet to answer it. She opened the door to reveal Krystal in a short black dress and boots. The younger girl barged into the apartment without invitation and Amber could smell the alcohol all over her clothes. Krystal was drunk, but drunk was good in Amber's eyes. Drunk was what lowered Krystal's inhibitions to the point where she could put the "benefits" part of their relationship to good use. Drunk was what allowed Krystal to hug her and kiss her and occasionally, when Amber was lucky, drunk was what allowed Krystal to have with her. 

Amber loved being intimate with Krystal, but it was the part that came after the intimacy that she hated. The morning-after nonchalance always stung Amber's heart like a slap to the face. How could Krystal constantly seek her out for when she was lonely and then pretend like it meant nothing? The question frustrated Amber to the point where she wanted to call off their friends-with-benefits relationship entirely. 

But the empty with Krystal was something, and something was better than nothing. It was better than hooking up with a random stranger for the night, better than falling asleep with an empty bottle of soju in her hand, better than lying awake in her cold bed, alone, hoping for a lullaby to put her to sleep. With that rationale in mind, Amber continued to let Krystal selfishly use her when the younger girl was lonely.

Amber sighed at the all too familiar scene of an intoxicated Krystal standing in her living room. She put a kind hand on Krystal's flushed cheeks and peered into her eyes. "You're drunk," Amber said, stating the obvious.

"So I am," Krystal agreed. She wrapped her arms around Amber and kissed her softly on the neck, just below her ear. The alcohol in her system made her feel warm and fuzzy as her fingers teased Amber's soft locks of blonde hair. Krystal was grateful that she was having a hard time thinking clearly so that she could enjoy Amber's warmth under her fingertips without feeling quite so guilty about it. If she had been sober enough to think about what she was doing, Krystal was certain that she would stop herself.

How would she describe her feelings for Amber? More than friendship but less than love? A deep affection? A sense of security? ...a comfortable opportunity to experiment? Krystal didn't know, and somewhere in her the back of her mind she really did want to understand what her feelings for Amber meant, but on lonely nights like this she pushed away the nagging feelings and let her needs take over.

"Why did you let yourself get so drunk?" Amber wondered, resisting slightly against Krystal's forward actions.

Krystal continued to lay kisses down the length of Amber's neck and answered her honestly. "Because I didn't like any of the men that were flirting with me."

Amber's expression instantly crumpled into a frown that the younger girl did not notice. It wasn't news to Amber that Krystal was constantly looking for Mr. Right, but Amber couldn't help but feel disappointed that Krystal never considered trying to date her. Amber wished that she could feel as free as Krystal did about their friends-with-benefits relationship. She had tried to get over her feelings for Krystal by dating other women in the same way that Krystal dated other men. But no matter how much Amber flirted or dated or tried to look for love elsewhere, she was never able to put Krystal out of her mind.

"Amber... kiss me."

The husky whisper in Amber's ear made her forget all her concerns about their complicated relationship. Krystal was standing right in front of her, begging for attention, and Amber was not about to disappoint her. She put her hands on Krystal's cheeks and lifted Krystal's lips to meet hers. It was an intense kiss that had Krystal clinging to Amber for support. She knew exactly what Krystal liked and she didn't hesitate to provide it.

Amber knelt to the ground and ped Krystal's tall boots, sliding her hands further up Krystal's thighs than such an action required. The younger girl elicited a squeal of surprise, but there were no complaints and Amber strived to make Krystal even more vocal. 

She jumped back up to her feet after removing Krystal's boots. In her haste, Amber stumbled forward a bit and inadvertently knocked Krystal into the wall behind them. It was a painful impact that even Amber could feel despite Krystal acting as a buffer between her and the wall. She thought that Krystal might scold her for being clumsy, but the younger girl smiled darkly instead, letting a bit of her masochistic side peek out.

"Are we doing it rough tonight?" Krystal asked in a low voice. 

Amber ignored Krystal's question, ignored the sadistic side of herself that was bursting to respond to Krystal's interest in pain, and answered her with a gentle kiss. The touch of their lips was soft and light, and Krystal pulled back in curiosity.

"Gentle or rough? You've gotta be more clear about what you want," Krystal joked with a seductive smile.

Amber said nothing, but she felt that Krystal had a point. Despite how Amber felt for Krystal, she had never made it clear that friends-with-benefits was not enough for her. One day, Amber knew that she would need to have a deeper conversation with Krystal, perhaps putting their benefits at risk, but today was not that day.

"Gentle," Amber decided, stepping into Krystal lightly and running one hand down the length of her thin, black dress. Her hand dipped under the hem and then started to work it's way back up Krystal's body from within the fabric. Her other hand reached for the top of Krystal's dress and tugged gently at the zipper.

"Is this OK?" Amber whispered into Krystal's ear. "Should I stop?" 

"Never," Krystal whispered back. "Don't even thinking of stopping."

That "never" was bittersweet since Amber knew that "never" only meant the next few hours until the sun came up and Krystal's drunkenness wore off. But she relegated the nagging thoughts to the back of her mind again as she pulled her princess off the wall and started to lead her to the bedroom. 

Krystal was a bit drunker than usual and was stumbling as she walked. The younger girl slipped upon the last few steps to the bedroom and Amber deftly caught her, cradling her in a dangerously low dip until Krystal regained her balance.

Amber looked into Krystal's eyes at that moment and, just for a second, it felt like they were in love. Krystal's eyes were soft with confusion and surprise, and they were fixated on Amber like she was the only person in the world. Amber could feel her heart flutter at the illusion of Krystal's love, but she didn't dare allow her heart to believe in feelings that didn't exist.

"Are you OK?" Amber asked, setting Krystal back onto her feet.

"Yeah, I guess I'm more drunk than I thought," Krystal admitted. "Sorry, I'm just feeling a little ill..."

Krystal's confession shook Amber back to her senses. Why was it always necessary for Krystal to be drunk for them to do anything intimate? Why was it that she could never bring herself to Amber while she was sober?

"...is being with me so bad that you can only do it when you're drunk?"

Krystal looked back at Amber with surprise. "What?"

"The friends with benefits thing," Amber clarified with a sigh. "Why do you always need to be drunk for us to sleep together? If you can't even kiss me when you're sober, why do you even want to do this stuff with me?"

The younger girl stared back at her with such a shocked expression that Amber instantly felt badly for getting so upset.

"Nevermind, forget it. But let's no do this anymore," Amber said softly.

"Let's not do what?" Krystal wondered.

"Let's not torture each other anymore. Or at least, let's not torture me." Amber gazed sadly back at Krystal, wondering if she could finally understand the feelings that Amber carried in her heart.

"I'm sorry..." Krystal apologized contritely. She was now forced to look at a side of herself that she didn't want to see, that selfish side of her that knowingly took advantage of Amber's kindness. She had always suspected that Amber might want more from their relationship than just being friends with benefits, but she couldn't bring herself to give Amber more. 

Romantic relationships were easy to screw up and Krystal's dating history was good evidence of this. Even though Krystal had been the one to initiate the benefits on a drunken night many months ago, she honestly cared a great deal about Amber and couldn't bear to lose Amber as a friend.

Why had Krystal made that foolish decision to sleep with Amber in the first place? Amber had been so considerate and comforting to her when she had appeared on the older girl's doorstep that night in the past, drunk and heartbroken after a nasty breakup. Krystal was looking for companionship, and Amber had been willing... But it was a mistake that never should have happened and never should have continued if Krystal wasn't willing to take responsibility for her actions. She couldn't keep hiding behind her drunkenness as an excuse.

"I've been really cruel to you," Krystal admitted. She hated herself at that moment for hurting someone she truly cared for. "Please forgive me, Am."

Amber smiled gently at her. "You're drunk, you couldn't help it." 

Krystal shook her head, knowing that Amber was giving her an easy out that she didn't deserve to take. She tried to apologize again, but Amber brought a kind finger to her lips to silence her. Amber knelt to the ground and offered her back to Krystal for a piggy back ride. After a smile and several words of encouragement, Krystal climbed onto her back and Amber carried her into the bedroom.

It was easy for Amber to see that Krystal was feeling guilty about everything, but that wasn't how Amber wanted her to feel. She didn't want to push any blame onto either of them since they had both let this happen. And now it was time for them to either stop or to do things properly.

Amber laid Krystal onto her bed and tucked her in using the blanket on her bed, a large red blanket covered in pink and white hearts.

"Go to sleep, Soojung-ah," Amber said softly. She smiled at the younger girl with sincere kindness. "In the morning, after you sleep off the alcohol, if you decide you want us to be more than friends... I'll be right here. But if you just want to be friends again, I'll still be right here for you."

Krystal looked at her sadly with an expression full of regret. "Am, I don't know what to do..."

"For now, just sleep."

"I don't think that I can."

Amber smiled kindly at the other girl and lay down beside her on the bed. "Sure you can. I'll stay with you until you fall asleep, so just close your eyes, OK?"

Krystal nodded and then rolled to her side while Amber remained on her back and stared up at the ceiling.

"Sweet dreams, princess-nim."

"Sweet dreams, Am."

In the silence that followed, Amber tried to think about the possible outcomes for the morning. Would Krystal miraculously try to pursue a romantic relationship with her or would Krystal acknowledge her mistakes and ask for them to just be friends again? Or most troubling of all, would Krystal run from her and end their friendship forever? 

After several minutes of silence, Amber finally heard deep and steady breathing coming from the girl lying beside her. It was like a lullaby that Amber had heard only a few times before, and it one of the few things that made sleep come easier to Amber.

But with a heavy sigh, Amber rolled toward Krystal, knowing that the precious lullaby wouldn't help her sleep that night. She reached out and gently touched Krystal on the shoulder, trying to hold onto a treasure that was never hers in the first place.

"Sa... sara..." Amber whispered, trying to voice the feelings that she had never been able to express to Krystal before, and perhaps she never would.

Saranghae.