Luhan’s P.O.V

            My band mates and I had just finished our first showcase in Korea and were heading back to the dorms. Who am I you ask, I’m Luhan, from the new band EXO. Life was a little crazy for me at the moment. I had to learn Korean, live away from my family, and learn how to sing and dance. But it was fun and I got to make new friends along the way. I was close to everyone in EXO but I was closest to Sehun, our maknae.

            On the way to the vans I heard many fans screaming for us. It made me feel happy that we already had so many fans. I understood Korean pretty well at this point but still had problems understanding some words. In the crowd I heard someone yell something that sounded to me like, “Go…China!” I smiled and waved to the crowd happily. But when I looked over at my band mates I noticed immediately that they did not look as happy by what they were hearing.

            I asked them what was wrong but they said it was nothing and that we needed to get moving.        

            I hop into the van that was designated for EXO-M, a sub unit of EXO. I looked around and notice that everyone still seemed upset about something. ‘Did I miss something?’

            “Did I do something wrong? Are you guys mad at me?” I asked.

            “No not at all, you didn’t do anything, we’re all just sorry you had to hear that.” Minseok said.

            “Hear what?” I asked. They all looked at each other before Minseok continued.

            “Oh it’s nothing, don’t worry about it.”

            “Oh…okay then.” I said. The rest of the car ride was awkward to say the least. After what felt like the longest ride of my life we finally arrived back at the dorms. I let everyone shower first then I took one. When I exited the bathroom I could hear the rest of the members whispering about something. “…I just find that to be so rude! Who would say something like that!?” I heard Minseok say to the other four.

            “Who’s rude?” I asked. I see most of the group flinch in surprise.

            “Oh Luhan, no one it was just something from TV.” Zitao rushed out in one breath.

            “Okay.” Yifan said as he clapped his hands together, he continued, “Kids its time we all go to bed.”

            “Goodnight everyone!” I said happily. I went back to the room I shared with Minseok and got under the covers. I couldn’t help but think about the others. Why were they acting so weird today? They seemed fine earlier. I sighed as I quickly brushed it off and slowly fell asleep.

 

***

 

             It had been a few days since everyone started acting weird; luckily everyone was mostly back to normal. Today we were finding out our schedules from our manager.

             “Okay so as you boys already know, EXO-K will promote in Korea and EXO-M will promote in China…” I tuned out once he said we were going to promote in China. I had known beforehand but had forgotten because we were so busy. I’m really excited to go back to my home country.

 

***

           

            The next few months past bye rather quickly, and we were now returning to Korea to join the others. When we got off the plane we were greeted by many fans which warmed my heart. But what caught my attention was that there was a group of girls to the side with posters I couldn’t quite make out. I was getting pushed and shoved so I had to hold on to Yixing’s shoulders to keep from falling down.  I got close enough to the girls to read there posters and was shocked by what they said. “Go back to China no one wants you in Korea!” “We don’t want Chinese people here!” “You don’t deserve to be in EXO!” I quickly turned my head away from the hate filled posters. I couldn’t believe that in this day in age someone would say that about a person. I figure that those girls are just the haters everyone talks about. But forgetting about it was not as easy as I thought it would be.

            I get into the van quickly wanting to just get out of the situation. I wonder if any of the other members noticed the posters.  So I ask, “Did you guys-” I was cut off by everyone in the van.

            “Yes.” They all replied. I heard many sighs.

            “We didn’t want to tell you about it because we thought we were protecting you from them.” Yifan said calmly with a hint of sadness.

            “From who?” I asked already knowing the answer.

            “Haters, anti-fans or whatever you want to call them. They can get pretty dangerous if you’re not careful.” Minseok said.

            “I’m sure there not that bad.” I said.

            “You don’t know the half of it, there just plain bad and they hate foreigners the most!” Jongdae added.

            “What does being a foreigner have to do with anything?” I said as I felt my anger rising.

            “I guess some people just don’t like foreigners because there to ignorant to realize that we’re all the same, human.” Zitao adds. Everyone goes silent after that, thinking about what Zitao had said. I just can’t stop thinking about it though.

 

***

 

             When we finally arrived back at the dorm it was ten pm so we were all very tired. We were greeted by the others when we arrived so I run up to Sehun and gave him a great big bear hug. “I missed you Sehun!” I said happily completely forgetting about what had just transpired in the car and airport.

             “I missed you to hyung.” Sehun said happily.

             “As fun as this is, I’m sure everyone is really tired so let’s head to bed now.” Kyungsoo said to everyone. I agreed my exhaustion just hit me like a ton of bricks. As we start heading out of the K dorm I feel someone grab my wrist. I turn my head and see Sehun smiling at me.

             “Bunk with me tonight hyung?” Sehun said innocently. I turn to Yifan silently asking for permission. He says yes so Sehun and I head to Sehun’s room to go to bed. I get into my pajamas and head for his bed, there was no way I was sleeping on the floor. I slip under the covers not forgetting to make enough room for Sehun and start drifting off to sleep. Before I fall completely asleep I feel the bed dip beside me and an arm go over my waist. I know it’s Sehun so I don’t mind and I hear as I’m drifting off to sleep. “Goodnight Luhan.” Sehun whispers to me.

             “Goodnight Sehunnie.” I yawned as I turned towards him and buried my face into his chest. Feeling content I finally succumb to sleep.

 

                                                           ***

           

             I’m wearing all white and everything around me is white as well. “Hello?” I call out.

            “You don’t deserve to be in EXO! Who gave you the right!?” I heard someone call out to me, it kept echoing in the air. I felt a sting in my chest. I had to admit the words hurt.

            “Who are you!?” I called out again. I turned in all directions only to find a small black dot in the distance.

            “I’m your worst nightmare!” The person shouts. Suddenly my clothes start to turn black and all the black from the small dot starts to come toward me. I was starting to feel scared.

            “What’s happening!?” I shout. Everything around me turned black and I couldn’t see anything.

            “Go back to China where you belong!” “We don’t need you!” “We all hate you!” Was being shouted from all directions. I covered my ears with my hands and kept shouting, “Stop! Stop!” I could feel hot tears running down my face. Suddenly I could hear Sehun’s voice, “Luhan? Luhan?”

            “Sehunnie?”  Then the voices stop.

           

***

           

            I slowly open my eyes and am met with a concerned looking Sehun. “Luhan are you okay?” Sehun asks with concern as he caressed my face trying to wipe away my tear stained cheeks. I ignored him and sat up on the bed as I put my hands up to my face and wipe away my tears. Sehun had sat up also and gave me a hug while rubbing circles onto my back. “You okay?” He whispered.

            I finally came back to my senses and responded, “Yeah, I’m ok.” I took a big breath and continued, “Just a nightmare.”

            “Want to talk about it?” Sehun asked.

            “No it’s ok, it was nothing really.” I assured him with a smile. He smiled back and gave me a kiss on the cheek before getting up to go to the kitchen. I also got up to follow because I didn’t feel like being alone at the moment. But first I went to the bathroom to check my appearance and I looked awful. I had red swollen eyes, my face was flushed, and my hair was going in every direction. I brushed my hair and rinsed off my face. Deeming myself presentable I head to the kitchen.

            “Good morning Luhan.” Kyungsoo said not looking up from the cooking he was doing. “Sleep well?”

            I flinched slightly but no one seemed to notice, “Uh…well I’ve had better nights.”  Just then the manager walks in. I felt relieved that I didn’t have to talk more about how I slept anymore. We all gathered into the living room, which was small so we all had to squish into available spots. I sat next to Sehun who gave me a smile and put his arm around my shoulders.

            “So Schedules, you guys will be promoting as one from now on. You have an interview in an hour so go get ready.” Our manager said, I felt my heart rate increase and I felt really nervous, which was weird because normally I don’t get that nervous. I guess Sehun must have sensed my discomfort because he started to rub my arm reassuringly.

            I went back to M’s dorm to get ready. I tried to slow my heart beat but it just would not go down. I was starting to shake a little as well. What was happening to me?

            When we got into the van I couldn’t stop shaking. I received concerned looks from the other members but I reassured them that I was fine. When we arrived to the interview building I stepped out of the car and took a deep breath. ‘It’s ok Luhan you’ve done this a thousand times. You’ll be fine. Fighting!’ I thought to myself as we began walking into the building.

           

***

 

            The interview went well even though I felt like I was going to pass out the entire time.  I felt like all eyes were on me and everyone was judging me.  When we returned back to the dorms I was so mentally exhausted that I went straight to my bed and fell asleep.

           

***

            This continued for a few weeks, we would go to an interview or something and I felt like crying and running away, but I knew I couldn’t do that. I had nightmares almost every single night and would always feel exhausted. I could sense that some of the members were starting to notice my change because I was starting to avoid everyone. Everyone just scared me, I felt like they were all judging me and I couldn’t stand it.

 

                                                         ***

 

            It was the day of our first concert as one and I felt completely exhausted. This time I couldn’t talk myself through this. I could feel my heart beating really fast and I was shaking from a fear that I couldn’t explain.  Joonmyeon came into my room to tell me to get ready but I just shouted back, “No! I’m not going!” Saying this made my fear increase a little bit because I was scared of what joonmyeon might say.  

            “What do you mean you’re not going!? You have a responsibility!  Don’t be selfish! We’ve all worked too hard for you to want to stop now!” Joonmyeon shouted back at me, I could tell he was stressed to but the words hurt. I flinched at his words as I tried holding back my tears but to no avail. Joonmyeon’s gaze softened and he sat down next to me on the bed. “Luhan if something is wrong just tell me. Are you sick? Do you need to go to the doctors?” He said softly.

            I sniffled loudly and pulled the covers over my head, “Go away!” I felt Joonmyeon stand as he walked out of the room. I felt relieved believing he gave up and I didn’t have to go anymore. I peeked out from under the covers and let out a sigh. Just then I heard a knock on the door. “Go away!” I said harshly.

            “Luhan, it’s me Sehun. Can I come in?” I felt my heart shatter, I just yelled at Sehun of all people. But I wasn’t about to let Sehun see me like this.

            “No! Go away!” I shout at him, I hear his footsteps as he leaves and I feel relived again. Then I hear a ding come from my phone.

            From Suho:

                     I talked to our manager and told him that you’re sick. You don’t have to go to the concert but please don’t make this a habit. And don’t forget that we’re all here for you, so just let us know when something is wrong. Saranghae~

            I felt myself tear up again at that. But how do you tell someone you’re afraid? They can’t know about this. No one needs to know about it. ‘I have to leave EXO, it’s the only option, I can’t keep living like this.’  I call my parents and tell them that I want to leave EXO and they agree. For the next week we’re working on nullifying my contract.

 

***

 

           Today is the day our manager tells the rest of EXO that I’m leaving.  Just like every meeting we have we gather into the living room.  I couldn’t help but feel nervous about what the rest of the members were going to say about this. “Well, long story short, Luhan is leaving EXO.” The manager says bluntly.

           “What!?” They all shout. I felt all eyes on me and I began to shake.

           “B-but hyung, why?” Sehun says sadly.

           “I’m sorry Sehun, but I just can’t do this anymore.” I try to say confidently but my nervousness showed immensely. Everyone gives me a hug and said that they support my decision to leave.  As I try to hold in my tears I say goodbye to them and leave the dorm.

***

 

            It’s been two years since I was in EXO. I still talk to them from time to time but I talk to Yixing and Sehun almost every day. I have gone to a phycologist to try to find out what was happening with me. Turns out I had developed an anxiety disorder. With the help of my therapist and phycologist I had mostly returned to my normal self.  Though I would probably never be able to perform in front of a large audience again. I had picked up acting, and had a lot of fun with it. There were less people and I could stay in China.

            There was still one thing I regret the most, which is not confessing to Sehun when I had the chance. Next time I see him in person I will confess my feelings like I should’ve done in the first place. But till then I’m happy with my life as it is.

 

***

 

A/N: Hey guys, so I hope you liked it. I know it was kind of sad wasn’t it? I tried to make the anxiety as realistic as possible but I don’t think I achieved that, it’s quite difficult to describe in writing. I happen to have really bad anxiety myself so before going off about I know nothing about it, I do. And if you’re confused about times, Luhan starts having anxiety around the time there finishing the Mama era and then he leaves during the wolf era. And I’m sorry if this brings back bad memories for any of you, I apologize. Also I might make a sequel if anyone wants one. Anyway thanks for taking the time to read this, it means a lot to me. Also remember to Upvote and comment if you liked the story. And please don’t be shy, let me know what If I could’ve done something better, should change something or if I should write a sequel.  Thanks again, Saranghae~ <3