It's been long time since I knew that there is no hope...

When he raised his hand at light speed to answer a question from a radio DJ, I knew that I had a pseudo expectation.

He did not even think at all, as if the answer is already out of the head and he just had to pick it up.

With a twinkle in his face, he chose that girl group to be his favourite.

He was the first person who raised his hand high. When the other members were still busy thinking whether to choose the cute or y, he had chosen the y girl group.

It's been long time since I knew that there is no hope...

Their pictures while fishing was widespread on the internet at the time. Fishing date. That title raised by netizens.

He was even wearing sunglasses at the time, but I knew that he did not like to wear that kind of glasses. Did he want to hide his face? Maybe yes.

But unfortunately the media was too smart to be fooled. They even analyzed up on a pair of footwear that he was wearing, and they concluded that it was indeed him.

It's been long time since I knew that there is no hope...

All Of Me. The song was good. When I first heard that song I instantly liked the melodies that were very beautiful to listen to.

But as soon as I knew that he and she liked that song, I immediately did not like the song. That song was their theme song or what? Uh! Very romantic!

It's been long time since I knew that there is no hope...

To be honest I was surprised to know that he had some couple stuffs with her. I think he was not the one—cheesy as it was not him.

But what’s the reality? Couple ring, couple shoes, couple sweaters, and other items that all names were said couple.

Those two people were proudly wearing similar items. Were they twins? Or, were they orphans who had to wear a uniform so that they were not separated from the group?

It's been long time since I knew that there is no hope...

I saw him lying on his bed. Reading glasses with round shape already perched over his eyes were also spherical.

Two hands lifted up to his face, and those two hands holding the iPhone newest type. Those two hands lively typing the word to word, and he continued to smile at that time.

No wonder he enjoyed being in that position for four hours straight. Turns out he was texting with her. No wonder his face lit up brightly like the sun at midday. It turned out that he and she were sharing their love with relying on an internet connection.

It's been long time since I knew that there is no hope...

 

---

 

I was busy with the phone in my hand, but my brain did not focus on the advanced object.

Occasionally I glanced at my roommate lying comfortably on his bed. I was also lying on my bed, but I could not comfortably throughout it. Perhaps because this time there was something that bothers me.

Finally I decided to leave my cell phone, then began calling my roommate, "Kyungsoo-ya ..." my heavy enough voice came out without any polite tone at all.

It was common. We both had long left the formality between us, regardless of our age difference of one year.

I saw my roommate turned to me. We had long been a roommate. Only one period when we split up the room, but then we came back to share a room.

The man who a year older than I was staring at me with a flat face and eyes. That was his flagship expression. His large eyes always look empty, and I never even be able to read his soul.

"What’s wrong?" the voice spoken from the thick lips was no less flat.

I was so embarrassed when I saw him that completely flat.

"There's something I want to ask. Can I?" I saw him put his cell phone, then nodded briefly. I immediately voiced my question, "Why are you so fond of her?"

I knew that my question was ambiguous. He frowned to think hard for a moment, but finally he smiled.

He would have been able to capture what I mean so finally he could smile like that. His heart-shaped smile was very rarely unfurled with such sincere. Usually he just smiled formally. The smile that could not reach his eyes.

I saw Kyungsoo gaze upward, staring at the ceiling dreamily, then he answered me, "She is good looking. I'm willing to see her face all day long without getting bored."

I smiled stiffly while I continued to look at him. I had predicted he would answer like that.

"Am...am I not good looking?" That question spontaneously flowed from my lips without preventable.

Kyungsoo instantly re-directed his face to me and answered me, "You are certainly good looking, Jongin. You become a visual for EXO with that reason."

I smiled to hear the compliment. He praised sincerely, and I was flattered.

"So, what else makes you love her?"

I saw Kyungsoo’s smile broke again when I went back to ask about her. His cheeks slightly flushed, even his ears were flushed. He was good at hiding his expression, but his skin was too sensitive to not issue a reaction.

"She is very mature and thoughtful. She rarely angry and always think rationally."

Obviously Kyungsoo was going to say that. That girl was much older than us, so it was natural that she was mature enough—although to be honest I could not distinguish between the old and mature.

Finally I could not prevent my mouth to answer Kyungsoo’s replied, "Am I not mature enough in your opinion?"

"Not really," Kyungsoo shook over his white pillow. "You are the most mature member despite your young age. You can control your emotions and you rarely get angry."

The answer was the same as he gave to answer a question on a radio show. It turned out that he gave sincere answer.

But still I was not satisfied with all the explanations, so I asked him again, "Are there any other things that make you really love her?"

I could see Kyungsoo nodded firmly as if without thinking at all. That main vocalist of EXO then answered the question smoothly, "She can dance well. She looks very y when dancing."

Kyungsoo’s answer made me look at him with dazed. "Am I not dancing well? I don’t look y when I’m dancing?"

"You certainly can dance very well!" Kyungsoo quickly answered my question. "And you look very y when dancing. Are you remember my words when we had a fan meeting in Japan few days ago? I could have fallen in love with you when I saw you dancing. But it’s only if I were a girl."

I felt my heart that had been cracked, now shattered.

That was the answer I was looking for.

I and that person were equally good looking...

I and that person were equally mature...

I and that person were equally can dance well...

But...

That person was a woman, while I was a man.

That was the important point. If Kyungsoo were a woman and I were a man, then Kyungsoo could fall for me. Or, if Kyungsoo were a man and I were a woman, then Kyungsoo could also fall for me.

That was the most important point. The word if was indeed a word to indicate assumption. We wished for something that was not possible, and that was what I experienced.

I will not blame anyone. I will not blame God who created us in the same gender. I wasn’t going to blame my mother who gave birth to me as a man instead of a woman. No. I'm not that selfish.

I prefer to blame myself. Why I fell in love with my roommate? Why did I fall in love with someone who did not love me? And, why did I fall in love with a...man?

Since long I knew that I did not have hope.

Since long I knew that he was normal, whereas I...

Absolutely no hope.

END