Have you ever been in love after listening to a sentence? Only a sentence. It may sound weird for you but it happens to me. I still freshly remember how a single sentence can change my whole life forever. For a guy like me, it’s like a miracle sent from heaven; unbelievable and makes you think you don’t deserve that, but you’re very happy to accept that.

                That day, we were talking on the waiting room before appearing on a variety. The five of us spent our time joking and teasing each other as the stylists were busy making us look good. At times like this, we could talk about anything. At first we were talking about the heater at our dorm, and then we talked about a pretty fan we saw when we were on the way and how Junsu blushed as he waved back to her. Junsu was usually the victim because he had that please-bully-me aura that makes our days incomplete without bullying him. So we talked about that fan and any other fans to whom Junsu waved back while blushing. Then, Changmin talked about Miranda Kerr and any other celebrities with big s. (Really, people, the reason that Changmin’s ideal type changes frequently is not about the looks or the personalities or charms, it’s always the s). Yoochun laughed at every joke. He bullied Junsu the hardest and high-fived Changmin the hardest too when it comes to s. Yunho, the serious one, our mighty leader, he just added something between the stories. Sometimes he tried to start something funny, but failed. He usually tried to be cute by whining to his stylists asking if he was handsome. We were just like yea, whatever.

                But today, the five of us were involved in a quite serious conversation about parenting. It started because yesterday I saw a kid at the mall who was very stubborn and cried very loud (I’m sure the whole mall could hear it) just because his mother wouldn’t buy him the new PSP. I told my members how annoying it was and how I went straight to lift because that floor was too hard to handle.

                “Seriously though, I was planning to try some cool jeans but that child just wouldn’t shut up. I even left the jeans because I can’t take it anymore.” I told them.

                “You left the clothes? That’s rare!” Yunho said.

                “Well, I came back to buy the jeans after spending some time on the next floor. But, really, it’s very annoying. I wonder how his mom felt.”

                “That’s why I don’t want to have kids.” said Yoochun.

                “Having kids can be fun too. It’s not always bad.” said Junsu, who obviously will have children.

                “My kids will certainly be the enemies of yours.” Changmin said. Junsu hit his arms and they started their own fighting world.

                “I think kids are adorable!” said Yunho excitedly.

                “Well, they are adorable on TV because the crews did everything! I bet it took hours to finish the filming.” said Yoochun. Yunho pouted and looked offended by that. Both of them are very different in an adorable way.

                “But, Hyung, really, if you were the father of the kid, what would you do?” asked Changmin.

                “I would be cute and told him he the old PSP is still good.” answered Yunho.

                “Well, I bet he’d keep crying.”

                “Fine, I’ll buy him the PSP!” Yunho finally gave up and we all laughed at that. I smiled at how cute he was.

                “Wooo rich man! If you keep buying him things he wants, he’ll cry a river when you refuse to buy him cars when he’s 17!” said Changmin again.

                “I can be strict too! I’d say, well, you leave the shop or Daddy will leave you.”  Everyone laughed at that, but I didn’t. For some seconds, I stared at Yunho like a complete idiot. My heart felt a strange feeling, a good one though. I faked a laugh to prevent any misunderstandings, but my heart kept beating faster. And everyone, yes, that’s the sentence. You leave the shop or Daddy will leave you.

                When he said that, he was wearing a black suit, a white shirt, and a simple black long tie. The concept was gentlemen, so we were all dressed up in suit and tie. Yunho is our leader and I look up to him because he’s a naturally great leader. You know you can depend on him and you want to listen to him. I admit that he is very handsome. Well, everyone in the group is handsome which is why I never put special attention to specific one. Since my role was a bit motherly, I took care of them with love. I cooked for them, reminded them to go to sleep, and other mother’s job at the dorm. I was also the one who would be dragged for a private talk when they had problems. Yoochun and Junsu did this most often. Changmin sometimes did that to talk about his crush or his potential girlfriend who was playing around with him. But Yunho was a cool guy who stood up for himself. He was so strong and I thought that’s why he never needed to consult anything to me.

                But when he said Daddy my heart was stolen. I might sound like psychopathic but that’s the reality. When he said that in that suit, he looked like a perfect husband material. I could imagine him saying that to his children and his children would cry and he would hug him after some minutes. I could imagine his children hugging him when he’s home. I thought it’s just a short-term amazement but well, it continued to do things to my heart. When he was with children, my mind would be blank, my heart would be faster, and I was crazy. I mean, hi, I am 100% a guy and not gay! I don’t have a womb and I’m not interested in giving birth. But how come I could be so girly and had those kinds of thoughts.

                Now that I’m remembering the old memories, I can’t help but grin like a fool. The sentence is still fresh in my mind and I keep replaying it over and over again. I remember how hard it was for me to deal with that strange feeling. It took me months until I finally admit I’m in love in Yunho. I grinned at how I tried hard to get close to him. How I secretly peeked to his room because I was so curious about what he did. How I started to be an attention-seeker around him. I remember how I became a flirty bastard who’d flirt with him all day all night. I even went overboard by ruining his ideal type interview on a radio show. I wanted him to look at me and pay attention to me. I was desperate, yes I was. Silly me. That’s why I refused to be called gay. I mean, sorry for my gayish behavior, but I’m not gay. I’m Yunho-ual. Before meeting Yunho, I liked girls and had girlfriends. But after Yunho happened in my life, I couldn’t find anyone else. Not girls, not guys. Hot guys never . Big s never work on me. Yunho does. He turns me on. He makes me fall in love. Deep. Too deep.

                The miracle happened when I knew all I did was effective. Yunho responded to my flirt. At first he was awkward, but he got used to it and even flirted back. I was afraid he’d be disgusted, but he never was. As time passed by, we got closer to the point where the fans called us as the Mom and Dad of TVXQ. He opened up to me and I learnt that people like Yunho had problems too. We shared our thoughts, our pain, our joy, and everything, including kisses. Yes, Yunho fell in love too. I was very happy! It was not my first kiss but I swear I was so girly. I smiled all day, being overly kind to anyone. I cooked a lot. Changmin noticed that. He asked me what happened but he shut up after I gave me food. We were in those sneaky relationships. We tried to hide it from our members but finally they found out. They were cool about it. They’d just roll their eyes when Yunho and I were in our lovey-dovey mode (Changmin sometimes threw up). They’d all gather in a room when Yunho and I had an argument. I’m very thankful that none of them thought we were weird. Even the innocent Junsu could take it well.

                Those are the happy things I will cherish forever. This memory reminds me that I was happy. I was once happy. It helps me to get through these hard days when I feel like the most unfortunate human in the world.

                It’s scary how time could change your life. Yunho is now only a celebrity whose news always gets my attention. Yunho is the one I love the most, but he is so far away from me. Now I’m nothing more than his fanboy. It’s hard as hell. At least other fans never saw his waking up face. Other fans never experienced his after-shower hair. Other fans never got kisses, cute texts, cute pet-name, cute apologies, and other cuteness of Yunho. Other fans didn’t know how clumsy Yunho about his looks and how bad his time management is. It is a torture. I know Yunho often forgets to eat but I can’t be there to make sure he eats well. I know Yunho’s fingers can never tie the tie well. It’s turning me crazy when I saw his tie not neat enough. I want to be there and fix it for him but I can’t.

                The worst is that I don’t know how he feels about me now, after everything that happened. I was afraid that he still loves me and he thought I don’t love him anymore. I swear to anything that I love him more than myself! I want to go to him, but it’s hard. I’m afraid I’d just ruin his rising career. I’m afraid his company would get him in troubles because he still has me in his life. This is why I decided to keep a distance. And also…. The Daddy sure wants to have children and I can’t give him any. Oh yes, we can adopt, but adopting is different. I’m sure he wants to have children who look like him. His gene is too good to be wasted just because he loves me. The separation makes me think about this. That I may be a trouble for his life if I stay. Like, without me, he can get married, have children, and be a cool daddy. I’m sure he’ll be a great Dad!

                Now my part is to calm myself down. I read many books about life in order to help myself accepting the reality. I need to go on and be stronger. I want myself to be prepared. Because there’s only one thing I wish I can do for now. I wish one day if I meet Yunho walking with his kid, I can greet him casually and be the step-uncle for the kid without having any urges to kill his wife (or at least, I can stop myself from freaking out imagining that Yunho actually had with anyone other than me).