I am scared of the entertainment business. My time during my trainee days scarred my heart and it hasn’t healed till this day. After spending numerous hours, after dedicating my sweat and blood, it did not bear any fruit. It led me to feel despair, to feel unsuccessful, to lose my confidence in my career. It led me to quit being a trainee. I couldn’t do it anymore, all my friends, Krystal and others, have already had their debut, while me on the other hand still a trainee never knowing if I would make it. You know the feeling where everyone have successful careers and here you are not knowing what to do and feeling left out? It’s like I’m the black sheep in our group of friends.

So… I quit…

I quit trying to be a singer. I would have quit trying to be in the entertainment industry but my sister Jungyeon changed my mind. I haven’t told my family that I decided to quit. But her exact words struck deep in my mind: “Unnie, because of you, I wanted to follow my dreams and be an idol. You’re my inspiration unnie. Even years of training, you never once gave up. You’re my idol unnie!”

I couldn’t bear to think that if I quit, I may ruin the chance of my sister making her choice of following her dream. So I it up, threw away my pride and I tried to be an actress. During our training in SM, we were also taught acting lessons; not for the kind of acting of what you think (movies, dramas and the like) but how to hide emotions and our thoughts. We were taught how to properly express ourselves, how to answer questions in front of the media and paparazzi even if they may not be true. Hence “acting”. It’s messed up if you think about it. But my teacher told me I somehow excelled on it. It didn’t give me pride that I was particularly good in “acting” or some people may call it faking, but it led me to choose an acting career.

So here I am, a budding actress with a guarded heart. A fearful and weak heart that I may not make it big into the industry. I have that fear in my heart that since my unsuccessful venture in the entertainment industry, I may too blow this up. Maybe like SM, they (meaning my new agency and all the entertainment people) will throw me out just because I couldn’t make it big. Couldn’t blame them though, I wasn’t good enough or talented enough. That just brought my confidence past the danger zone. But with the support of my family and a few of my friends (Krystal and Amber, yeah you two, thanks a lot for the help ^.^ ) I managed through.

When I was casted into Heard It Through the Grapevine, I remembered I was so happy. All my effort has paid off! I was really proud of myself. This is the start, Seungyeon-ah. This is it. That was what I told myself. Everything was perfect. I may not be famous but at least I’m on my way there. But I couldn’t get the nagging feeling that I still may not make it. Everyone around me are all famous, while I’m still nowhere near as that. I felt insecure.

Then my agency suddenly called me. My agent suddenly told me I was casted. I remember feeling excited. Kekeke. I was getting more offers lately, well this new offer and two MV acting. But what I didn’t know that it was a variety show. We Got Married. I remembers what happened on that day.

- Flashback -

“Seungyeon-ah, I know your popularity isn’t up there yet and frankly you aren’t moving upwards. You’re in a stand-still and the pace is too slow.”

When I heard that, my heart sank. What have I been doing? Haven’t I been working my off for the past few months? Hasn’t all my hard work paid off even a little bit-

“But I am not giving up on you. So I’ve pulled a lot of strings and called on a lot of favors for this to happen. I have booked you to appear on a variety show.”

“Ne?!” I was surprised at what my agent said.

“Yes a variety show. It could help boost your popularity and put your name out there.”

“Um what kind of variety is it?” I tentatively asked. Is it running man? Kekeke my family and I really like watching running man together.

“It’s We Got Married.” My agent said bluntly.

“Neh?!” I acclaimed for the second time. Woah. Jjinjja We Got Married?! I heard it was hard to even appear there.

“Yes, We Got Married. It was a hassle but I managed to get the PD to interview you in a hopeful prospect that you might appear in the program. The interview’s tomorrow by the way.”

He dismissed me afterwards and left to thinking, will this be really be good for me? Forget about popularity but, this is a virtual marriage. I can’t even begin to think to destroy the sanctity of a marriage, be it virtual or not. I couldn’t even imagine faking being “in love” to a total stranger. I needed advice and who else better to advise me other than my parents?

So when I asked them their thoughts, they were furious, especially my father. My parents are… traditional… they follow the customs of our traditional ways. That means they should have met the guy’s, whoever he his, parents. So they were mad about it. When they asked me why I accepted my answer was:

“I can’t give up on my dreams, appa, omma. Trust me I don’t like it any more than you do.” I said through a strained voice. I don’t want to raise my voice to my parents but I wanted them to see that I too am stressed about this issue.

“Then why didn’t you tell your agent that you didn’t want to do this?” My mother exclaimed.

“Because this could help my career!” I semi-shouted.

“Your career?! You prefer your career over your morals?! I don’t believe I raised you like this Seungyeon!” My father was getting mad by the minute.

“Yeobo calm down!” My mother urged my father but my father stood up and angrily fetched himself some water.

“Seungyeon-ah why are you really doing this? I know you, you are my daughter. You don’t blindly accept anything, and if you do it wouldn’t be because of your career.” My mother calmly said as my father sat down.

Feeling ashamed of myself, I answered, “Jungyeon-ah said I’m her idol. I don’t want her to see me fail and give up. I nearly did that omma, appa. If I don’t succeed she... she too might give up. I don’t want her to experience what happened to me. I just can’t.” The tears started forming and a tear slowly dropped.

My mother suddenly went to my side and hugged me, “Aigoo uri Seungyeon-ah is so kind-hearted. You always put your sisters before you.”

“Mianhe Seungyeon-ah. I shouldn’t have judge you so quickly,” My father said as he too hugged me and kissed me in my head. I felt warm inside. Yeah I made the right decision.

“But when will you put yourself first? You may never know this guy might be the one.” My mother said.

“YAH!! ANDWAE!!!” My father shouted and we just laughed at him.

- End of Flashback -

So the next day, I was dropped at MBC to meet with the PD. I won’t say I wasn’t nervous and despite my stylist protest, I just appeared in my comfortable clothes: sneakers, jeans, white polo shirt and my hair tied in a ponytail. I don’t want to put up a fake mask and show them this the real me.

When PD-nim first saw me, I saw him got shocked or was it in awe? I don’t know if he was either fascinated or astonished. Was it because I don’t dress like a famous person?

He asked me to sit immediately and I could hear his… um… excitement…

“Annyeonghasaeyo Seungyeon-ssi,” he said as he poured me a glass of water.

“A-annyeonghasaeyo. Joenun Gong Seungyeon ibnida,” I slowly said. There was a camera filming us at the moment and even if I have become an actress, I still feel uncomfortable in front of it.

“Sorry about the camera, but we may need this to cross reference you to your husband,” he said. At the word husband, my cheeks burned in embarrassment. He chuckled and said, “So, tell me about yourself.

And so I did. I told him about my parents, where they work and how they were like. I also talked about my sisters, Jungyeon-ah who is a trainee in JYP, my friends in SM Entertainment.

He suddenly chuckled cutting me short, “Wait there a little bit Seungyeon-ssi. You are selfless, you told me about the people around you. It’s not that it’s bad but you haven’t talked about yourself.” He smiled and urged me to continue.

“I don’t really know how well to describe myself PD-nim. I’m just a simple girl who lives with two of the cutest dogs-“

“Wait what kind of dogs?” He suddenly cut me short.

“Um a white Pomeranian and a poodle.” His eyes suddenly shot up in excitement.

He coughed slightly to regain his composure and said, “What’s your ideal type?”

I expected this question and I said what I practiced last night, “A manly man.”

“That’s it Seungyeon-ssi? Any other preferences in a guy?” He looked at me in disbelief.

“Ne. Because I just want a man who will make me feel safe and loved. The other characteristics, I’ll learn to like in time.” And once again, his eyes shot in excitement and this time he didn’t hide it.

“Seungyeon-ssi! You are perfect for someone that I have wanted to appear on the show for a very long time. With your help, I could persuade him to be casted. A Busan namja.” He excitedly said.

After he bid me goodbye and I showed myself out, what he said lingered in my mind. You’re perfect for someone. That would only mean that I’m someone’s ideal type? Um ideal wife? I blushed at the thought and shook myself at the thought.

I thought that PD-nim will call me the next day but he didn’t. And he didn’t call me the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that and so on. At first I was kinda excited that I was “perfect” for that Busan namja but I guess he doesn’t want to film a marriage with me. I felt disheartened at the thought. When I talked about the issue with my mother she said:

“Aigoo Seungyeon-ah. This is a virtual marriage. I’ve heard all the rumors that it’s all scripted and virtual: not real. Seungyeon-ah, guard your heart. This could be just another job for him you know. I hope you do the same.”

Instead of feeling better, I got more depressed. But my mother is right. This is just a job. If he doesn’t want to do it, fine by me. If he do accept it, I should also be professional about it. No strings attached… right?

So when PD-nim contacted me a week from the interview, I got nervous that we will start filming 2 days from then. I mean really nervous. You know hand shaking and panicking? I couldn’t sleep the night before either, my stylist explicitly told me to sleep 8 hours that night so I could look pretty for my “nampyeon”.

So here I am, on the first day with baggy and tired eyes with my stylist scolding me for looking like a zombie. I mean could you blame me? I’m a nervous wreck… and it was added by the fact that our partners (yeah 2 guys) have to choose us and we (yeah 2 girls) have to choose. It got me nervous about who the PD-nim said about the guy I’m “perfect” for. (By the way is this normal? Kekeke)

Sitting in that bench near the telephone booth was nerve wrecking. I couldn’t keep still, my hands sweated and my heart beat loudly in my ears. I keep on thinking maybe the first guy didn’t know today was the date of our first meeting, maybe he got lost, or maybe he got injured. Such thoughts ran through my head. Then I saw a guy appear in a women’s university.

…

… Dugun dugun…

…

… Dugun dugun …

…

He was… tall… handsome… and um… uh… perfect…

I couldn’t help but blush as I hid my face down. I couldn’t believe someone could be that… perfect… Yah! PD-nim! How am I perfect for someone who’s perfect already?! That is if he’s the one I’m “perfect” for…

And when he started talking… it was… I don’t know… husky, deep… so manly… and I instantly like it. And oh my goodness, his eyebrows, they were beyond perfection. How can he be like this, like my ideal type reincarnated in front of me….

Andwae Seungyeon-ah. Even though he is perfect, this just may be work for him. It may not be real… and I felt sad and devastated when I said that to myself. I mean we may not end up together, he might choose the other girl, not ordinary me…

As we talked on and on, my heart keep on beating erratically. He keeps on complimenting me and when he told me his name: “I’m CNBlue’s Guitarist, Lee Jonghyun”, a perfect man who does music (frankly I didn’t notice his huge guitar case behind him. Kekeke I was too mesmerized in his face.)

As we walked to the cafeteria he said, “I’ll teach you guitar slowly.” I couldn’t hide my sadness and say, “You may not choose me…” I looked away as I await his response.

“I-I have fallen for you the first time I saw you,” he delightfully say.

…

Mworago?! MWORAGO?!

He can’t be serious, right? It’s just a show, just a show Seungyeon-ah.

But he was so intent on proving that what he said was true. He complimented my eyes which was my complex for a long time, we have too many similarities and he still keep on complimenting me. And he sang for me, “I met you amongst people who are like stars in the sky.” Was he – was he talking about me? He wasn’t, right? I meant, we are surrounded by Hallyu Stars and out of all those stars shining beside him and me, he-he only see me. He wasn’t talking about that, right?

“It was all a miracle.” He lastly sang. It was then at that point, I made my choice. He was the miracle I’m choosing. Even though it’s just a show, even though it’s not real, I-I just want to stay by his side for a long time.

And when the time arrived to choose, I kept on praying that he would come, I saw him started walking through the aquarium. Oh Lord please let him come to me. Even though he promised he would choose me, but what’s to say he liked Yewon-ssi better than me?

I closed my eyes tightly for a brief prayer and I heard footsteps behind me. He-he’s here. He chose me. I couldn’t help but be thankful and um… happy? Yeah I guess I was very, very happy. Kekeke.

For the past few meetings we had, I still couldn’t help shake this feeling that this was just a show though. Even though he cares for me, he held my hand, he protected me, embraced me, made me feel protected, made me feel loved. He is either a good actor and he’s faking it, or it’s real. I sincerely hope it’s the latter but I couldn’t help but feel that the first option has a high chance to be true. I researched about him after our Japan Ho-honeymoon *blush*. I watched every video I could find about him, everything I could find: his ideals, his likes and preferences on women mostly. Now I know why PD-nim looked like he diamonds on our first meeting. I was actually uri Nampyeon’s ideal type at that time. A simple girl who looked beautiful in a white shirt and jeans. I don’t know about the beautiful part but I did wear white shirt and jeans. I also watched his BRI for WGM. Was it all true though? He could still be faking it amidst all those compliments and honey-coated words. I need help. Like serious help.

So I called Krystal for a date. I was reluctant at first to ask but she caught up to it pretty quick.

“Unnie, spill. What’s with the sudden meet up and your nervousness?” she asked quite bluntly.

“I-I need your help to contact my Doryeonnim, Minhyuk-ssi. I-uh I understand, you guys are quite… close?” I asked quietly.

She blushed just a tinge of pink but quickly regained his composure and looked at me jealously, “Wae unnie?”

I chuckled slightly and said, “Ani it’s not like that. I just want you to ask him h-how my nampyeon thinks of me.”

At my words, she started teasing me like “Oh she has fallen for him.” “You’re so cute when you’re in love unnie.” and such. As much as I try to deny it, my face betrayed my feelings as I was blushing quite profoundly.

“Arasseo, arasseo unnie. I’ll call Minhyuk oppa.” She said as he put her phone in loud speaker.

He immediately answered, not even after the first ring. These two are suspicious but I kept that to myself as there are other pressing matters at hand.

“Annyeong Oppa,” Krystal said with a tinge of aegyo. Kekeke she’s controlling herself in front of me but she failed.

Annyeong nae Soojung-ah He replied. I raised a questioning eyebrow at Krystal but she just blushed.

“Oppa you know I’m close with Seungyeon unnie and I was watching her show with Jonghyun Oppa.”

Nae what about the show Soojung-ah?

“I-uh I’m just worried for her. H-how does Jonghyun oppa thinks about her?” She asked reluctantly.

Hyung isn’t himself these days. It’s like the old Jonghyun Hyung was replaced by someone we don’t know. He- wait is someone listening? I just heard a gasp? Uhh- Hyeongsu-ssi?

Cursing my involuntary gasp, I slowly answered, “A-annyeonghasaeyo Minhyuk-ssi.”

Neh Annyeonghasaeyeo Hyeongsu-ssi. He chuckled and continued. Hyeongsu-ssi, I hope you didn’t take what I said previously wrong. Yes uri Hyung has changed, but we wouldn’t it any better. He’s much brighter nowadays, bounce in every step if I may say, love-struck if I may say. And that’s all because of you Hyeonsu-ssi. You made him better in ways we had not seen before. So for that I, ani we in CNBlue, are thankful.

My heart thumped like crazy when I heard what Minhyuk-ssi said. I-If that were the case, t-then everything was true. H-his feelings and display of affections were genuine. D-does that mean h-he l-lo-loves m-me? Seolma…. Eyy…. Dugun dugun… Aniya…

The next time we were filming, I couldn’t focus properly. I just kept blushing and looking away when he looks at me so… intense… It was as if he really harbor feelings for me. He treated me like a princess but then…

Then…

We went to SM Ent…

(Okay Change of Storyline kekeke… Man I can’t keep the storyline straight. Again just fabrication of my head – pokerman J )

I thought it was ok to go since it was work. But we met sunbaenim. Yoona sunbaenim. The gorgeous and lovely Im Yoona. I thought everything went smoothly and I wouldn’t lie it did until he told me he knew her, the Kpop Goddess. My heart stopped for a bit due to pure jealousy. Then he told me how:

“I know her because I helped Yonghwa hyung to be in a relationship way before with SNSD’s Seohyun and she’s my-“

“JJINJJA? THE RUMORS WERE-hmmped”.

Woah… That would mean WGM is not all that fake… Couples were born from this show, and if I’m not wrong Yonghwa-ssi And Seohyun-ssi have been going out for like 4 years! And they are still going strong… Maybe we could be like, right Yeobo?

But then…

Then…

He told me again how he knew Yoona sunbaenim…

“He’s my ex.”

He’s my ex. He’s my ex. Ex… ex…

I mean seriously… Yoona sunbaenim?! THE Yoona sunbaenim?! How could I beat that… I’m just a rookie actress while she’s hailed as the Korean Goddess…

For the rest of the filming, I grew quiet and reserved. I wasn’t responding well to his questions and actions. It led to the point that the VJ’s suggested that we should just film on another day because apparently I’m not “feeling well” as my Yeobo said…

As we rode in the car with the cameras (the VJ’s said that they “might” get some scenes from the ride back home), we rode in silence. He made an effort to hold my hand but all I could ever think that this hand used to hold Yoona sunbaenim’s hand, I couldn’t hold his hand anymore my hands stayed on my lap as I gaze outside. I could feel his stare beside me. But I made no move to look back and answer the wordless question that is hanging in the air: “What’s wrong with me?”

 To say I’m jealous is an understatement. I’m insecure. I know other people will think that I’m paranoid because this relationship we have is scripted and fake, but… but I’m developing some… feelings… and I feel like this is true, what I’m feeling is true. I want to be by his side, I want to be the reason for his laughter, I want to share memories with him, and I want him to only look at me… I love him…

But does he love me too?

He wouldn’t right? Because he likes someone like Yoona sunbaenim, a Goddess within the Entertainment Industry. How could one compare to a Goddess?

Despite my feelings for him, he wouldn’t like me…

I suddenly felt the car stopped, my head being grabbed and a pair of lips on mine.

It took me a few seconds to notice what was happening. And when it did, my eyes grew wide with shock and I immediately rocketed away from him.

“Y-yah! W-what are y-you doing?!” I automatically shouted.

And you know what he did? He kissed me again.

If it was possible, I felt more shocked. But it slowly dissipated as I slowly kissed him back. My mind went blank, my body numb. All that I feel is him kissing me and that was all that mattered at that moment.

When we ran out of breath, he laid his forehead on mine and said, “I know what you’re thinking yeobo. You’re not Yoona. And she’s not you. Yoona and I were great but with you, I feel like I’m in a presence of an angel. With you I feel happy, I feel like the world just turned right. Saranghaeyo Yeobo-yah.”

He kissed my forehead and turned the engine on of the car. He just smiled and drove off happily, like a kid who just got the best present in the world.

While he was acting like a kid, I was again on my own thoughts. I could still feel the sensation of his lips on mine. It felt warm and I couldn’t help but blush and smile like a fool. But I suddenly remembered something.

I suddenly looked at the cameras, dreading that they captured our moment together. But I saw that they were all turned off.

“Yah! You planned this all along didn’t you?!” I slapped his arm.

“Yeobo! I’m driving here. Do you want us to die and never see our future kids?”

“MWO?! YAH!!” Due to my extreme embarrassment, I slapped him again but this time lightly. He was laughing at my blushing face. But I could see how he looked at me, it was filled with affection. He really did mean what he said earlier. Then I realized I haven’t responded to his feelings.

When he was focused on the road, I stole a kiss on his cheek. He looked at me in disbelief. In normal circumstances, I would look away when our eyes met but this time I held my ground.

“Saranghae Oppa.” I said as clear as a bell. I smiled at him lovingly and I looked away. I felt his hand hold my hand and kissed it.

I really had a miracle. He is my miracle.

Author's Note:

Hi guys, I'm done with this fanfic and move on to a new project. Hehehe Thanks to all the readers. Hope you enjoyed this!

PS. A big shout out to @Trcngg.. My Promise to you hehe

Signing off,

♦♥Pokerman♣♠