You were never the type to go out and make a lot of friends. That was his thing. You two loved joking around about how he got all the charisma and playfulness and all that was left for you in the end were laziness and the ugly appearance. That’s how the surprise was quite big when you asked him if you could attend his dance team’s practice hours. You’ve met his friends a few times, of course, but you didn’t show interest in any of them, so he couldn’t understand why you suddenly wanted this. Little did he know… Little did anyone know… Even you.

           He liked to bring his team over to your house and hold parties or small gatherings where they drank and played stupid games. Boys and girls, all having fun, while you just stood and watched from afar. It didn’t bother you. Not until they got tired of doing it and wanted to get some sleep. “Hey, Jessica, can Taeyeon sleep with you? It’s not enough space and mom told me not to crowd them all in one room. Ya’ know how she can be sometimes about guys and girls sleepin’ together.” he said. “Taeyeon’s fine with it.” again. “You’re both girls after all…” and again. “It shouldn’t bother you.” and again. “What’s the worst that could happen?”. You  wonder… really.

           And that’s how that night you ended up in your bed, with a half girl next to you, even her sole breathing taking a toll on you. You didn’t get much sleep, since most of the time you were trying to calm down your racing heart or control the urge to touch her and see for yourself if she was even real. In the morning, you looked like a zombie, but you couldn’t help but smile when she turned her happy mode on and asked for some coffee. You gave one cup to her and later on, you just wondered if she took much more than that with it.

           Your brother noticed something strange about you, about the way you moved and acted around her. You did it involuntarily. You didn’t realize at first that she got a (very) different treatment from anyone else in there. She said she thought you were cool. She said she’d like to see you again. She left. The tingling in your fingers as you shook her hand still lingered.

           He pestered you about it, although at first he found it hard to believe it. “I always knew you were a bit unlike the rest, but this is like… a little bit more.” he told you as he followed you around the house. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” you answered, dismissing him like you usually did. “Taeyeon.” hearing that one word, you froze in your spot. “Are you biual? Are you a lesbian? Or are you just curious?” he asked you and you couldn’t find an answer to any of them. You just realized how confusing this whole thing was. You shut the door, leaving your brother on the other side, but not your haunting thoughts too. 

           When you met her again she seemed a little down. He brought her home saying that she needs a place to crash for the night. You didn’t mind. “You know… don’t believe the crap they say about love lasting forever, ok? Just a friendly advice.” she told you while you were searching for a pair of pajamas to give her. She sighed and looked like she was about to cry. You felt your heart sink as the first tear rolled down her pale cheek. At the second one you found the answer to what’d been bothering you all that time. When she covered her face with her shaking hands, you wanted to cry too. It’s bad enough not knowing what’s going on with you and what you want. It’s worse finding out and realizing that it is something impossible to achieve.

           You lent her your shoulder that night. She thanked you in the morning. It was the last time you saw her, but it still felt like the first.

           Your brother didn’t say anything after that. He could notice how affected you were by it and didn’t want to make you hurt even more. He almost regretted bringing her into your life. He almost felt guilty, but you assured him everything’s fine, that he shouldn’t worry, that you didn’t think of her anymore, that it was just a passing phase. You lied.