“Unnie… are you… uhm… okay?” Seohyun asked the kid leader after having walked in on her crying her eyes out in her room, sobbing like a toddler.

“Ehh. Gonnn. Take. Maaa. Jesksdglakjglajdlgjlag…” the kid leader tried explaining in between her sobs but it was just too difficult, so she just gave up.

“Unnie please, I can’t understand a word you are saying. Did something bad happen?” Seohyun tried asking her hysterical unnie again.

Taeyeon simply nodded her head and then buried her face into her pillow.

The youngest member wanted to dig deeper but she knew she wasn’t going to get a clear answer anytime soon. Instead she decided to do the next best thing.

“Fany unnie! There’s something wrong with Taeyeon unnie!” Seohyun shouted as she exited the room.

In a flash, Tiffany arrived at the scene, took one look at Taeyeon and sighed.

“TaeTae-ah,” she sat beside her best friend and her hair gently to comfort her. “I know it’s really upsetting but don’t you think it’s time to let go?”

Teayeon lifted her head slightly just to give an answer, “Y-You don’t t-think I’ve tr-tr-tried?”

“I know, I know. But I mean it’s time to just accept the fact… Okay, I understand but I hate seeing you like this,” Tiffany said gently as to not further upset her best friend.

The kid leader sat back up and composed herself as best as she could. She herself knew that she was being a little over emotional about the situation and yet, she was attached, more than anyone would believe, more than she could explain why. If she did, people would probably find her insane. Perhaps she was but she was sentimental despite seeming a little distant and cold sometimes. But it was her job as an idol and the leader of Girls’ Generation to bear the most burden when something bad happens and be the most humble when something is accomplished. Few really understood how she really felt or what goes through her mind. They will never understand. All she had were the little things. That’s why this meant so much to her, especially because it concerned someone dear to her heart.

When the incident happened, many made her out to be the bad guy and it was not really a surprise to her. She knew it would happen and she tried to brace herself for the onslaught. But despite having gone through similar situations so many times, the sting never quite dulled. In fact, it probably hurt more each time because it breaks her heart a little more each time. Sometimes she wondered if she was in fact a bad person. It made her retreat back into her shell or at the very least put on a mask that is somewhat agreeable.

But the truth was she missed her. A lot. But there was nothing she could do about it. There was so much that had happened that only they both knew. The other members knew, somewhat, but not everything. And everyone else, well, they knew nothing. Everything that had happened between them, they were regrettable but they were irreversible. It was difficult to explain how things had gotten to this point but even if she tried, things were never so black and white. So she took the blame. In fact, she blamed herself. She cared not what others thought. Sure it hurt but the only person whose opinion mattered was the girl, the girl she had let down time and time again.

Why? Why am I such a failure? Why do I keep hurting her when all I want to do is to protect her?

They were estranged now. It seemed like a distant memory when they had love and affection for each other. She missed those days, a lot. Work has kept her busy but when she had time to think, she often found her mind drifting to the past. She knew she shouldn’t but it wasn’t exactly something she had control over. Sometimes she would pick up her phone and type out a message. But she never hit send, never. Not that she didn’t want to, she just couldn’t. Literally. It wasn’t something she could do, not just yet. But it was all she wanted to do. To hear from the girl. It was difficult for her to watch from the sidelines like everyone else. To know only as much as those who don’t know her. But it wasn’t time. Not yet. She was forced to wait. It felt like an eternity but it was for the best, nay, it was the only thing she could do. She hated it.

But now, it was the last straw. She had tried to be strong since because she had others who depended on her and she didn’t want to let anyone down. Again ironically, she had let the girl down anyway. But this was all she had left. She had spent a lot of time and effort on it. Way too much time. Almost obsessed. But it was more like what it represented. It was the last shard of memory, memento that she had. So she held onto it tightly. But now she was forced to let that go too. So how would she be able to take it easily? She couldn’t. Her brain knew what she had to do but her heart just wouldn’t let her. It felt like she was forced to give up the last remaining ounce of hope left. But the truth was, it had already left and she was clinging to sentiments that were of no use now. She knew that.

“I just wish…” Taeyeon thought out loud. Her voice was barely audible but Tiffany could always hear her.

“We all do, TaeTae. But you know that it’s time to stop clinging and find a way to deal. I’m not telling you to forget nor should you. I’m not saying that she wasn’t important because she was. I’m not saying that we should not concern ourselves about her anymore because we will always be connected. Even if a road splits into two, it doesn’t mean that somewhere along the way it doesn’t merge again. Besides, this is not her, TaeTae. You are projecting,” Tiffany told Taeyeon even though she herself was starting to get a little choked up.

“I… I know… You’re right. I guess I just really miss her and I feel guilty,” Taeyeon confessed.

“Then why don’t you call her or text her, instead of just holding onto your Jessica card,” Tiffany advised her best friend honestly.

“Wait… What?!” Seohyun’s voice suddenly echoed through the room in a loud boom. She had managed to catch the last part of the conversation without the other two noticing. “Unnie, were you crying over your Jessica card for SuperStar SMTOWN?”

Taeyeon nodded her head slowly, feeling slightly embarrassed now that she had heard the way the youngest member had said it.

Seohyun closed her eyes and let out a heavy breath. “I’m so done,” she muttered under her breath and then left the room again.

“I’m sorry, I totally over reacted. Sh-should I text her? I’ve wanted to for so long but I think she hates me,” Taeyeon dropped her head as she asked her best friend for her opinion.

“Come on, you know we’ve all been secretly keeping in contact even if we were told not to,” Tiffany whispered cautiously while peering around the room as if she was worried that someone might hear her.

“Yeah but it’s different with me… I don’t think she wants to hear from me,” Taeyeon said hesitantly.

“Kim Taeyeon, we both know that out of all of us, you are the one she wants to hear from the most. Stop being scared and stubborn. Just text her,” Tiffany urged in a very serious tone.

Taeyeon thought about what Tiffany had said but she still lacked confidence. Her relationship with Jessica had always been slightly rocky.

Tiffany could see that Taeyeon was at least considering the notion and that she wasn’t hysterical any longer, so she decided to leave her best friend to think it over.

“I’m going to leave you to decide on your own. If you need me, I’m just going to be outside, okay?” she told the kid leader and kissed the top of Taeyeon’s head as she stood up to leave.

Taeyeon nodded and watched Tiffany close the door behind her. She heaved a sigh and thought about whether she was ready to face Jessica again. She picked up her phone and typed out a text.

How are you?

[Erase]

I miss you.

[Erase]

I’m sorry.

She stared at the text for a while. She had been meaning to say for a long time but she was afraid. It seemed a little ridiculous for someone to be afraid of apologizing but it wasn’t that she was afraid to say she was sorry but rather afraid of the reply to her apology. She was afraid that she would not be forgiven and it would devastate her.

She closed her eyes, hope for the best and tapped on the send button.

It’ll probably be a while before she replies… if she even replies…

But the reply came almost immediately to her surprise.

“I’m sorry too.”