BGM: You That Day - Humming Urban Stereo feat. Yoo In Na

Spring 2014

She has watched Breakfast at Tiffany's at least twice and has even read the Truman Capote novel it was based on, but Han Jaemi did not fully understand what Holly Golightly meant by 'mean reds' until today. Mean reds, according to the iconic Audrey Hepburn character, refer to that horrible feeling of suddenly being afraid without knowing what you're afraid of. As she lay on her bed that Monday morning, her hands clasping the neckline of her black Boy Who Cried Wolf shirt as if she was having difficulty breathing, Jaemi felt that something was about to go horribly, horribly wrong.

She just doesn't know what it is yet.

As she continued wasting more time pondering on Holly's mean reds, Jaemi suddenly jerked when she felt the Samsung Galaxy smartphone vibrate near her arm. A new text message has arrived and it came from Luhan, her boyfriend of almost three years. "Do you have free time today?" the text read. "I have classes," Jaemi typed, composing a reply as soon as she read his question.

"Why did you ask?" she texted.

"Let's meet. I'll pick you up after school."

Jaemi read the text message again. Worried that she might be imagining things while still half-asleep, she sat up on the bed, squinted near the screen, and re-read the message one more time. She was about to compose another reply when an incoming call arrived. It was so unexpected that she almost dropped the smartphone on her bed when it started ringing.

"I thought you were in Los Angeles?" she asked, too excited to say hello first.

"We just arrived," the boy at the other line answered. "We're still at the airport, but we're heading back to the dorm in a while." There was a pause and Jaemi suddenly heard someone ask "Is that Jaemi? Is that Jaemi?" in the background. "Hello, Jaemi? Is that you?" another boy asked, excitedly. "Could you please say hi to Jihye for me?"

Jaemi chuckled. "Sure, Baozi. I'll tell her you said hi."

"Sorry about that," Luhan apologized, seizing his smartphone away from the boy called "Baozi". "What time do you get out of school?" he asked, a sense of urgency hinted in his voice. "I want to see you! I haven't seen you in weeks! I miss you!"

Jaemi quietly sighed.

"No, Luhan. It has already been a month," she thought to herself. "I didn't even have the chance to properly celebrate your birthday." She then peered over the carefully-wrapped present sitting on her bedside table and wondered if today was the last day she'd see it there. Slightly worried that mentioning it would only make him feel guilty for not spending more time with her, Jaemi decided to just keep the thought to herself. Besides, it's not like she didn't know how busy he was with work.

"Jaemi? Are you still there?" Luhan asked.

"Yeah, yeah," she replied, laying down on the bed, closing her eyes as soon as her head succumb to the softness of her fluffy white pillow. "I'm sorry. I guess I'm not just fully awake yet," Jaemi yawned. Staring at the ceiling, she tried to remember her usual Monday schedule by imagining the first few pages of the cute organizer Jihye gave her last Christmas. "I have biochemistry until 3:00, I think, so I'm free to go after that."

"Great! I'll see you at 3:00 then," Luhan said, his voice suddenly overpowered by the screams of a hundred fans waiting to greet EXO-M in Incheon airport. This is what his life has become and Jaemi still couldn't decide if it she likes it or not. She's happy for him, that's for sure, and there is nothing she wants more than for him to finally enjoy the success that he has worked so hard to achieve, but at the same time, she couldn't help but worry about the side-effects of fame: the complete lack of time and privacy and the constant scrutiny over the simplest things.

"I'll meet you at the Freedom Gate."

When the screams took up another decibel - if that was even possible - Jaemi momentarily pulled her smartphone away to protect her ears from all the noise. "Hello? Hello? Hello Luhan?" she asked, unsure of what her boyfriend just said since she could barely hear what he just said. "I can't hear you. It's too loud in there." 

"Hello? Hello? Jaemi? I can't-"

Even if he tried to drown out the fangirl screams in the background by poking a finger at his other ear, Luhan still can't hear properly. The noise was too great that it was impossible for anyone to decently converse in that kind of environment. "I have to go, okay? I'll see you later," Luhan added, hanging up almost immediately, leaving his girlfriend with no other choice but to say "bye" after the call has ended.

A few minutes after her biochemistry class, Jaemi found her boyfriend waiting near the so-called Freedom Gate of the Sookmyung Women's University campus. He was wearing his black baseball cap backwards again and even though she was definitely not a fan of that particular style, Jaemi still thought Luhan looked cute in it. Well, he'd look cute in anything. Her excitement upon seeing him for the first time in four weeks, however, turned into panic in a matter of seconds. Thoughts of "he can't be seen here" and "he can't be seen with me" suddenly flooded her head and the fact that the he didn't bother to wear some sort of disguise to hide his identity made Jaemi even more anxious.

"Are you trying to get caught?" was the first thing she said to him.

Luhan fixed his baseball cap so the bill was in front to help cover the upper part of his tiny face. "Happy now?" he asked, the smile lines quite evident on his face. Jaemi, on tiptoes, pulled over the hood of her boyfriend's jacket to cover his head with it.  "There," she said, gently patting his head. "Much better."

When Jaemi asked him if he brought a pair of sunglasses to help hide his eyes, Luhan said that he didn't. "It will only draw more attention," he reasoned. He also wanted to remove the hood from his head, but he knew that Jaemi would just nag him about it until he obeys her. "And it's not like there's too much sunlight anyway," he said, eyeing the red paper bag his girlfriend was carrying.

"Is that for me?"

"Yeah," Jaemi confirmed, handing the paper bag to him. "It's your birthday present." When she noticed Luhan taking a peek inside, she quickly begged him to check it out later. "No! No! Don't open it yet," she said, covering his eyes as he tried to take another peek inside the paper bag containing the present. "Just do it later. Please."

"Okay," Luhan obliged.

Neither realized it, but the two of them went quiet for a while - carefully checking each other out to see if anything has changed since the last time they met. Jaemi noticed that Luhan looked thinner. Even the baggy black hoodie he was wearing couldn't hide that. He was already thin to begin with and she knew that it was normal for idols to lose weight because of daily dance rehearsals and irregular sleeping patterns, but Jaemi couldn't help but be worried for his health. There was something different about him.

She just couldn't put her finger on it.

Luhan felt his lips curl up into a smile as he stared at the girl in front of him. "She has gotten prettier," he noticed, quite pleased that she decided not to tie her hair up in a ponytail today. She also didn't have any make up on, which is normal, Luhan thought, since she really isn't the type of girl who puts too much effort on her appearance. For the four years he'd known her, Luhan has never seen Jaemi with make up on.

Not that she needed to anyway.

It was only when his girlfriend adjusted the black straps of the yellow Jansport backpack on her shoulders did Luhan notice that she was wearing a dress. Jaemi's fashion style was usually limited to T-shirts, denims, and sneakers, so the sight of her today - in a sleeveless floral-printed dress that perfectly matched spring - left Luhan pleasantly surprised. Well, that and her exposed shoulders and knees.

"Did you bring a cardigan?" he suddenly asked. "Or a sweater?"

Jaemi shook her head. "Not really," she answered, fixing her long black hair to cover her bare shoulders. "It was pretty sunny when I left home this morning, so I didn't think I'd need one. Besides, it's already May. Summer is almost here. Isn't it about time for the climate to be a little warmer?" 

"C'mon," Luhan urged, gently dragging her by the wrist. "Let's go buy you a sweater."

While it was true that he didn't want his girlfriend to walk around in a sleeveless dress while it's breezing outside, Luhan was actually more concerned about the people around them than the weather. Jaemi, although she neither believes nor realizes it, is a very pretty girl. Her face alone can attract a lot of eyes and wearing a slightly revealing outfit would definitely not help lessen the attention. Luhan was worried that strangers would feast their eyes not only on her face, but also her figure - her figure that made him think less like a gentleman. She hasn't realized it yet, but puberty has been good to Jaemi. 

"Really, really good," Luhan thought.

But Jaemi is his girlfriend.

He didn't want anyone else oogling at her.

The two of them toured the little shops around Sookmyung Women's University in search of a sweater. He originally wanted to buy her a designer sweater not only because he can afford it, but also because he knows that she deserves it - but Luhan knew that his simple girlfriend would find it burdensome to receive something expensive, so he suggested they go street shopping in the area instead.

"I still don't think it's a good idea," she said, struggling to keep up with her boyfriend's pace. Luhan was walking fast - too fast - like he was in a hurry to get things done, but Jaemi's little feet were having difficulty matching his steps. She wanted to walk slower, to savor every second they spend together just like any normal couple - to occasionally stop and listen to buskers or appreciate the spring flowers, but Luhan kept going as if he was filming an episode of Running Man.

"You - walking around like this in a college town... it's really dangerous, you know," Jaemi realized, almost tripping when Luhan suddenly turned to a corner. "What if you get recognized? What if you get photographed? A front-page feature in Dispatch is the last thing I'd want for you - especially now that you're in the middle of album promotions."

"Ah! I think it's better if we don't hold hands," Luhan decided, immediately letting go of his girlfriend. "It would be more difficult to deny that we're dating if we get caught like this." Jaemi knows this, of course, but somehow she still felt slightly offended when he suddenly let go of her hand. She wanted to be the kind of girlfriend who supports and understands the complications of being in a relationship with a celebrity, but she just couldn't help but feel this way sometimes.

And it made her feel guilty.

After browsing through almost every clothing shop in the Cheongpa-ro area, Luhan finally accomplished his goal of buying a sweater for his beloved girlfriend. His choice, which cost way less than his intended budget, was a reddish brown knitted sweater that reached all the way to her thighs. Jaemi thought it was too big and not to mention too long for her, but Luhan still insisted on buying the sweater because it matched the color of her Keds. She wanted to correct him by saying that auburn was a different color from red, but Luhan seemed really pleased with his choice, so Jaemi just kept quiet about it.

"You haven't smiled today."

They were having coffee in a dainty cafe near Sookmyung Women's University when Luhan finally told his girlfriend an observation that has been secretly bothering him since they reunited at the Freedom Gate: during the three hours they have spent together so far, Jaemi has never smiled at him.

Not even once.

He initially wrote it off as Han Jaemi being her usual paranoid self - getting worried that he'd get photographed in the steets or that he'd get recognized by EXO-L - but Luhan just couldn't keep it to himself anymore. Dates were supposed to be fun and exciting - filled with flirting and anticipation - but their rendezvous today was anything but and Jaemi clearly wasn't enjoying herself. If he didn't know any better, Luhan would think she didn't want to be with him anymore.

Jaemi didn't hear what Luhan just said. 

The song Only One by BoA was being played in the cafe and she began to space out as the drama version of the music video, which featured Yoo Ah In, started flashing back to her. It hasn't been long since they arrived at the cafe, but like BoA and Ah In in the video, she and Luhan have already ran out of things to talk about.

Luhan asked her about school and Jaemi told him that it wasn't as hectic yet since the term just started and everyone was just making the most of what's left of spring before summer officially arrives. She wanted to tell him about the new stuff she has learned in class or the trivial things she has experienced on campus - like how surprised she was when her biochemistry professor mentioned that peanut oil can be used in the manufacture of dynamite or how embarrassed she was when the security guard reprimanded her for unknowingly entering the main gate meant for cars instead of the one intended for students - but she didn't think he'd find them funny or interesting and she was worried that she'd just bore him with the details, so she just diverted the conversation by asking him about work instead.

Luhan, on the other hand, wasn't really in the mood to discuss his job. Being an idol, after all, wasn't as glamorous as most people had imagined. He has been struggling - and all the stress was starting to take a toll on his health. They travel between countries so often that the constant international flights seeemed to have worsen Luhan's acrophobia. EXO's schedule, no thanks to their popularity, has also become crazier. Right now, for example, while they are promoting their new mini-album Overdose, the boys are also preparing for their first solo concert. They barely have enough time to sleep or rest, but Luhan realized that talking about these discomforts would only make Jaemi worry about the things that she has no control over.

"You know how things are," he said, trying to play it cool. "I know you read about it on the Internet."

The song in the cafe changed into 2ne1's Lonely as soon as BoA's Only One faded out. When Jaemi unconsciously started lipsyncing with CL, Minzy, Dara, and Bom, as she continued to mess up the leaf art in her latte, Luhan seriously wondered if her true feelings reflected the lyrics of the song. She was just right there - sitting prettily across from him and as foolish as it sounds, he couldn't help but be jealous of the latte art in her cup.

"I remember watching a performance of this song," Jaemi said out of the blue, carefully tucking a few wild strands of hair behind her ears. "It was the one inside a studio - with a band and a string quartet. Well, I'm not really sure if it was a string quartet, but there were violins and a double bass, I think," she recalled, still not looking at her boyfriend. "It bothered me a lot. I mean, they sounded well - the singing was on point, but they were smiling. They were smiling! It was a bit irritating. Did they not understand the song at all? They were singing about being lonely and yet they were smiling about it as if it's a good thing. Especially CL. It was like she was celebrating her misery. Only Dara was emoting, but towards the end, she just-"

When she noticed Luhan staring at her with a worried expression on his face, Jaemi suddenly felt embarrassed for criticizing 2ne1. "I'm sorry," she apologized, biting her lower lip. "I shouldn't have prattled on by myself like that-"

"Are you still happy?", Luhan asked.

Jaemi took a sip from her latte. "What do you mean?"

"With me," Luhan said, his eyes glued to his cup of coffee. There was nothing special about it - both in taste and appearance - but he kept staring at it to avoid looking at Jaemi's face. He was about to ask her a potentially dangerous question and he wasn't brave enough to check her reaction. 

"Are you still happy with me?" he asked. "Do I still make you happy?"

"I don't know how to answer that," Jaemi replied, fumbling with the sleeves of her knitted reddish brown sweater. "You were hardly around anyway, so I don't-" She paused, avoiding Luhan's eyes when he looked up. He wondered why she stopped speaking mid-sentence. Was she paraphrasing what she was going to say inside her head or was she honestly lost for words?

"I don't know," she finally spoke.

The two of them went silent again. Luhan was looking over the window, carefully contemplating what to say next, when the song in the cafe switched to SHINee's Better Off. He snickered. The coincidence was both cruel and funny that he even went as far as touching his teacup to check whether it has cooled off just like the lyrics suggested. 

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