+1. Jackson is not in love with YoungJi

There was no spark between them.

Camaraderie, inside jokes, and playful banter, yes. But nothing like what love was supposed to feel like.

Love was his father kissing his mother’s forehead after decades of marriage to his everlasting, childish “Ewwws!” Love was Mark on his phone at odd hours because time differences are annoying but you make the effort for the things and people that matter. Love was his first serious girlfriend back in Hong Kong who regularly pulled him under stairwells to take his breath away. Love was supposed to be this intense, amazing rush that just never seemed to stop, settle or fade.

And he just didn’t get that with Heo YoungJi.

“Bull.”

JaeBum reached around JinYoung’s back to smack YuGyeom’s head. “Don’t curse at the table.”

“So can I curse anywhere else?”

That earned him another smack, from JinYoung this time. On the other side of the table, Jackson shrugged.

“I don’t know what you want me to say.” He said honestly. “There’s just…nothing there.”

“…Really?”

Jackson just really wanted to brush his teeth. Instead, he glanced at Mark, sitting on the closed toilet seat, just staring him. He wanted to say this was weird, but sharing a bathroom with a half-dozen, usually half-dressed guys was kind of the norm nowadays.

“Like, you felt…” Mark made an expansive expression with his hands, “Nothing after that kiss?”

Okay, so maybe, on top of the camaraderie, inside jokes, and playful banter there was this one, tiny, little kiss that he had with her.

But it wasn’t like, a real kiss because it was dark, soju had been involved (Curse you, Goo HaRa!), and it wasn’t like he’d kissed her on purpose (?). San E had been playing overhead and YoungJi had been sweating profusely and some idiot knocked into her in the process, making her stumble and bang their teeth together while she accidentally stepped on his foot. Jackson had busted his lip and YoungJi actually ended up throwing up an hour later, Park JiMin holding her hair back in the girls’ bathroom.

They could actually hear her retching in the hallway outside.

Long-story short, it was decidedly the most un-romantic kiss Jackson had ever shared with a girl. His world did not shatter, his heart did not skip a beat, and his belly had done more flops on Taco Tuesday than it did when he briefly played tonsil-hockey with KARA’s maknae. He spat into the sink and rinsed before swiping at his mouth.

“No,” Jackson answered Mark truthfully. “I guess there was nothing there to feel.”

I feel AWFUL. Received 12:46pm

It’s called a hangover. Sent 1:03pm

It’s supposed to be awful. Sent 1:04pm

I mean about how I acted the other night. Received 1:13pm

I’m really sorry I was so sloppy. Received 1:14pm

Forgive me? Received 1:14pm

Sure. Sent 1:22pm

Just promise me you’ll work on your technique. Sent 1:23pm

Yah. Wang Jackson! Received 1:25pm

No really. How can we find you a husband if all your kisses are that messy? Sent 1:32pm

I hate you. Received 1:35pm

With the passion of a hundred suns. Received 1:36pm

Now if you could kiss with that passion, we could marry you off to someone decent. Sent 1:54pm

“Ooh.” BamBam murmured over Jackson’s shoulder. “I didn’t know she knew how to curse like that in English.”

“I know.” Jackson grinned proudly. “I taught her that; isn’t it great??”

“That’s um…” Amber swirled her milkshake thoughtfully. “That’s good, I guess…?”

Jackson made a face at her, “Don’t tell me you bought into the JackJi hype all this time too.”

“Who needed to buy any of it when you two were practically giving it away for free?” When Jackson only rolled his eyes at her, Amber laughed harder. She said, “Look, I’m glad everything is cool with you guys. But I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a long-time coming.”

“Hey now-”

“I’m just saying,” Amber defended, hands up. “It’s not like I expected it to suddenly make at least one of you realize you clearly should’ve been dating this whole time and confess your undying devotion.” She left out the part that she was in a pretty big betting pool on it though. He may not have appreciated that. Instead, she shrugged and tugged at her ear thoughtfully, “It’s just that, when something like that happens…”

She trailed off then and Jackson watched her expression suddenly, inexplicably soften; eyes hazy and mouth pressed into a dreamy half-smile. It creeped him out and he reached across the table to poke her arm.

“Amber?”

She looked at him without seeing past the haze in her vision and her half-smile curled into something a little sadder. “When something like that happens, things change.”

He couldn’t help but scoff, “Like what?”

Amber tapped her lips lightly, still sticky with her latest sip and answered in earnest, “Everything.” Jackson was taken back because it suddenly felt like he was having a conversation with someone else entirely, someone whose story he wasn’t so sure he knew anymore. And then she blinked and her eyes were clear again. “And sometimes, nothing.”

Jackson was in love once. At least he thinks so anyway.

She was beautiful. Not ‘pretty’ or ‘hot,’ mind you, but genuinely, honest-to-God-beautiful in the sense that everything she did and said was an art form to him. Anyone within a ten-mile radius could tell he was head-over-heels, largely because he’d happily announce it to anyone within earshot. He introduced her to his parents, his bandmates (who were just the guys he shared a dorm with at the time), and sincerely believed that she was ‘it.’

They dated for 5 months and broke up over a text message. A week later, she announced that she was leaving the company completely and Jackson seriously contemplated going back to Hong Kong because what else was there for him in this country?

JinYoung chuckled at the memory, “God, you always were so excessive.”

Jackson wasn’t even sure how they started talking about this but he whined anyway, “You make it sound like I was such a drama queen.”

“You literally tossed your phone into the Han river when you got that text.”

“Hey, cut me some slack.” Jackson protested. “I was in love.”

“So what?” JinYoung scoffed, flipping the meat on the grill between them. “BamBam falls in love at least a dozen times a day; half of those times are with his own reflection.”

“See this,” Jackson gestured between them with a pointed finger, “Is exactly why I take BamBam out more than you do.”

“Look,” Junior said plaintively swatting his finger aside, “All I’m saying is that, while it that what’s-her-face broke up with you-”

“You’re literally the worst date ever.”

“-it’s not like you actually loved her.”

“Yah.” Jackson deadpanned, “Didn’t you hear me-?”

“I heard you.” JinYoung dismissed his interruption easily. “You were in love.” He repeated the phrase like Jackson had been talking about red bunnies pooping dragonflies. “But being in love and actually loving someone aren’t the same thing.”

“How is that-”

“Falling in love is thunderstorms and lightning and tsunamis.” JinYoung interrupted him with a firm, assured knock on the table, “It’s a natural disaster that is amazing to behold from a distance and a terrifying wonder to be trapped inside of.”

Alcohol always made his omma a little more poetic than usual. He was probably reading another romantic tragedy these days. Nevertheless, Jackson found himself asking,

“And loving someone? How’s that any different?”

JinYoung made him a wrap and took another sip from his drink before answering.

“It’s a choice.” He told Jackson, pressing a finger to the window on his left showing the dark, cold night and watching the glass fog around its warmth. “It’s looking outside and seeing hail and rain and lightning and maybe some paparazzi, and still making the conscious decision to open your door because you know they’re out there. It’s choosing to flounder your way through every hell storm on earth just so you can hold their hand and remind them that, even as the world literally crashes around them, they’re safe with you.” JinYoung leaned into his hand, studying Jackson. “Do you understand?”

(Jackson thought of when the news of KARA’s disbandment broke. How he called YoungJi half a dozen times before getting annoyed and essentially left to squat at her parents’ cafe until she had no choice but to show up because her mom had to close the shop but he wasn’t going to leave without speaking to her. She’d been exasperated, mildly annoyed, but grateful. She didn’t say it, of course, because that wasn’t how they worked, but Jackson understood.

She didn’t cry either, but he understood that too.

Instead, he pestered her to make him a smoothie and talked and talked about any and everything except her band falling apart. YoungJi put him to work at cleaning up, nagging him when he spent half an hour just dancing with the mop instead of using it on the floor and sat beside him on the counter while he took tiny sips of her drink. They talked/argued for a long time, and Jackson counted every time she smiled- like really smiled, not in that wobbling way that looked like she was going to fall apart at any moment. It wasn’t her infamous wide-smile, of course, but it was enough to reassure him that she was going to be okay. He stayed another hour, you know, just in case.

They didn’t hold hands though.)

Jackson shrugged. “Kind of.”

“It’d be kind of weird, actually.” BamBam said, angling his head to check his reflection in the elevator mirrors. “YoungJi’s more like my older sister and I love Jackson like a brother so it’d be like my siblings dating.”

YuGyeom gave him a sideways look. “Those aren’t remotely similar situations.”

“I’m reeeally looking forward to when you brats start liking girls.” Jackson drawled beside them, smacking his lips. “I’m going to remember these moments when it happens.”

YuGyeom laughed as the doors chimed open. “So it the same for you too hyung? Do you also see YoungJi as an older sister?”

Jackson held up a finger even as the maneuvered their way through the hallway.

“One, she’s younger than me-”

BamBam sidestepped a rookie group with a brief nod, “By, like, a couple of months!”

“-and two,” Jackson went on, unperturbed as they approached the set, “Just because I don’t have a weird pseudo-sisterly crush on her like BamBam-”

“I do not-!”

“Doesn’t automatically mean that I want to date her.”

They arrived to the stage then, watching the tail-end of a girl group’s practice run and there, off to the side, was a faintly familiar figure. YuGyeom watched as Jackson’s mouth stretched into a weird, almost-delirious grin, eyes focused on a single point in the distance as if he wasn’t just in the middle of a conversation two seconds ago.

“Oy! YoungJi!”

Ah, so it was her, laughing happily as she spoke with the girls in April. When she heard him though, YoungJi turned to see them, obviously surprised and YuGyeom wondered if Jackson was aware of that dumb look on his face, akin to the one he got every time they stepped on stage, won an award, or touched down in Hong Kong. Mmhmm.

YoungJi waved a hand to greet them, calling out. “Hey Jackson!” She then added, “Oh, hi BamBam! Hi YuGyeom!”

Yeah, it wasn’t like YuGyeom and BamBam were standing literally right next to Jackson. Whatever. She bid her hoobae group good-bye and began to walk over to them, heels clipping on the stage.

“What’re you guys doing here?”

“Just figured you might be here.” Jackson answered nonchalantly. “We wanted to say hi.”

Really? Because YuGyeom had been under the impression that they were on the hunt for the buffet table. On stage, YoungJi grinned happily.

“Oh? That’s so thoughtful of you.”

If Jackson’s face had looked dumb moments ago, it was downright ridiculously dopey by the time Heo YoungJi came to stand in front of him. YuGyeom and BamBam shared a glance over his head, that same long-suffering one that they’d managed to coordinate in a dorm with socially-inept hyungs.

“Oh. Bam? Gyeom-ie? Where are you guys going?”

“Anywhere but here.” YuGyeom said at the same time BamBam swooned, “The stench of denial is a little too strong.”

“What does that mean?” YoungJi asked, bewildered.

“Don’t mind them.” Jackson insisted, “They’ve been inhaling too much hairspray.”

YuGyeom looked back when he heard YoungJi laugh, Jackson grinning at her, the backs of their hands grazing each other’s. He snorted because yeah, sure; Jackson wasn’t in love with YoungJi.

Whatever.

(But sometimes she’d smile at him from across a room, and it felt a little bit like coming home for the rest of his life.)

1/22/16