CHAPTER 1

Onew was sitting in the living room once again. It was already 11p.m. and yet Jonghyun was not home yet. Ever since that faithful day, Jonghyun started avoiding the older one by all means. The younger one did not know how to face him at all and the only way he could think of was to run away from it. He often stayed in his office or even stayed over with at the other guys’s house which he dared not to think.

Jinki knew that their love had expired, but he was too stubborn to throw it away. He could never imagine a life without him by his side. He could never survive without him. Memories of their good times flashed through his mind like a movie, the only difference was that he was forced to watch it no matter how unwilling he was.

The older one still remembered the times when Jonghyun pulled him into his arms out of the sudden, the times when he gave him sweet simple kisses on his face and lips, the times when he gave him the promise to love him more each day and the times when they cuddled together in bed for warmth and listened to him whispering “I love you”. Those wonderful times had now changed into memories…painful memories that hurt his heart whenever he remembered it.

Everything had changed, no more smile, no more hugs, no more kisses and no more “I love you”.

Onew wanted to cry. He knew crying could release all the emotion he hid within for so long, but he did not. He could not cry. Tears did not fell from his eyes nor were they trapped in his eyes. He remembered someone telling him a true but heartbreaking statement.

“If you can’t cry no matter how much you want to, it means your heart is crying for you.”

He placed his hand on the position of his heart and felt the tears that were flowing out from there.

His heart was really crying.

Onew laughed bitterly at himself, how pathetic he was now.

Maybe he should just end his life.

It was not difficult to set his mind on it. Onew would rather die than looking and experiencing the heartbreaking process of losing Jonghyun. He wanted to die as Jonghyun’s lover and not as his friend.

He entered their shared bedroom. A cold gust of wind blew into the room, reminding him how many months had passed since they stop sharing a room. His memories started playing back like a drama serial in front of his very own eyes. Jonghyun was tackling him onto the bed, tickling non-stop which eventually lead to a make out session. It made his heart churned, why did things have to change?

His legs brought him over to the dressing table where he could see his haggard self in the reflection. Onew stared at his own haggard reflection; no wonder Jonghyun does not love me anymore. The reflection in the mirror started changing to his old bubbly self, replacing his current reflection. Jonghyun appeared behind his old self, wrapping his arms around him.

“I look fat.” The older one watched himself complained to the younger one.

“No you don’t! You are the most perfect person in my heart.”

It was another part of their memories.

Onew reached his hands out to touch his lover 's image, but it disappeared the very minute his hand reached the mirror's surface. He could only see himself. The older one opened one of the drawers to reveal a penknife kept within. He took it out, pushing the razor out of it. The street light that shone into the room was reflected by the razor.

As a doctor, he knew slashing wrist was not a smart way to suicide at all. No matter how many times you were to cut your wrist, provided that your cuts are not deep, you would not die at all. The only most effective way was to make cuts on your neck. Especially the part where you could feel your heartbeat as that is where the blood vessels are located nearest to. The bleeding at neck is much deadly compared to the bleeding at wrist.

The razor was placed gently against his neck. Human tends to feel terrified when facing death and he was no different from the others. Onew was just a normal guy who falls madly in love with Jonghyun. His hand trembled in fear as he know that this cut would probably gave him an one way ticket to death.

Onew knew he would no longer be able to see Jonghyun again. He would miss his charming smile, the cute laughter and so many other things about him that he loved…especially his voice. Maybe he should call him one last time. He took out his phone from his pocket and dialed the number that he had learned by heart.

Ring. Ring. Ring.

Ring. Ring.

Ring.

“Hello, this is Jonghyun speaking. Sorry I am busy at the moment so please leave a message after the beep sound. I will get back to you asap.” It was his voice message.

The last time Onew got to hear Jonghyun’s voice could only be from a voice message he had recorded.

But still, he was satisfied already.

He really was.

A beep sound was heard and he left his last message, “Goodbye Jonghyun, my love.”
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To be continued.